Again the Beast attacks and leaves you praying for death….

At first my eyes opened and i was wide awake! Not even feeling slightly tired i sat up in bed and though here goes and waited but nothing! No aches and pains and no sign of the shadow, the pressure feeling i get on the left side of the head. This was strange. I didn’t want to go to the toilet and i couldn’t think why i would wake up so suddenly. I looked at the clock and it was 2.30am so i though i would just try to empty my bladder and then go back to sleep and see if that worked. I managed to get back to sleep after a short period of time tossing and turning but was then suddenly woken by the beast!

This time it was a raging attack that had me running back and forth from one room to the next not knowing what to do with myself. the pain was so bad all i wanted to do was take off my head. Just chop it off to end the agony. I could actually picture my head on a chopping block and someone decapitating me with a large axe or blade. To wish for something so crazy when in pain amazes me as you become so desperate you think of some crazy ideas. The pain becomes so bad and so strong you want to split your head open as if to release the pressure or let the daemon out. All you want to do is just rub it better but you can’t get to it. Luckily after 10 minuets of agony the injection kicks in and the attack stops just as sudden as it starts and you are pain free again although suffering from shortness of breath and a feeling like you are about to experience a heart attack due to the injection.

After this attack i was exhausted and just wanted to sleep so a lay back down on my bead and must have drifted back off to sleep. Now this is rare as normally after a big attack i am unable to go back to sleep even though and my energy is gone i always seem to get aggravation from the back and the neck causing me pain and stopping me from dropping off. It was good to get a bit of extra rest after an attack and i just hope it was a little longer than it was as suddenly i was again woken by yet another attack by the beast. When i looked at the clock it was 5am and that was it i just gave in to the beast and had to ride yet another attack.

3 Attacks before the day starts and that’s 1 with nothing except a wake up call and  2 bad ones. I was unable to take an injection for the 3rd one as i used one of my injections on the second attack but didn’t make a note of the time so i ended up just having to ride it out for well over an hour and i am talking pain like no other it was a full on attack, swollen eye sore neck and pain full back. The worst is the pain that goes over the head and behind your eye. What ever nerve it is its the worst one in the body to get a problem with. I am praying the specialist will be able to find something that will stop this from happening as these attack can become very scary and at time you think you really are going to die and instead of fearing it you start to welcome it  and that's not a good way to be in. You know you are in serious pain for your mind to start to think this way.

Managed to sleep through but with a price….

With the strong shadows continuing through out the the day on Sunday i decided to have a day of rest and ended up going to bed very early at around 5pm in the evening. I am so glad i did decided to have an early night to catch up on the sleep i had lost over the week due to the beast waking me up in the early hours. I am so happy as i managed to stay asleep right the way through until 8am this morning and woke with no shadows or any sign of the beast so far. The only trouble with staying in bed for so long was the effect it has had on my back. When i tried to get out of bed when i woke up this morning i was in agony and could hardly move my back. I ended up having to roll over in bed and literally fall out of it as i just couldn’t bend my back. After 20 minuets of suffering and trying to bend the back slowly it suddenly released and returned to normal. It felt as if the muscles had all locked together and just didn't want to move and when i tried to force it it gave me bad pains on both sides of the lower back on either side of the spine. I don’t know what had caused it apart from over sleeping but i am just glad its gone and hope it doesn’t return.

I have started having problems with my back and walking ever since the head attacks turned to a daily feature and along with the pain from the beast i also get trouble walking. I used to think it was the medication causing it but as time has gone on and my medications changed i am still getting trouble and it is getting worst. I am now even getting trouble with my arms, strange, but as i am typing the area of the shoulders and the under arms are aching like crazy and i have to drop my arms to my sides to rest for a while before i type my next bit of the blog. I can only assume it must be something to do with what ever is causing me back problems as i can feel the muscles pulling and the aches and pains as i move and type. If i sit and try and twist in my seat my back starts to hurt and the pain returns so i have to try and sit as still as is possible but this makes things very uncomfortable. I have never had problems lifting my arms before and it feels like i just don’t have any strength to hold them up but i know i have had plenty of rest and other than the back and arms playing up i am fine, and the head is behaving itself.

Fingers crossed i should get my appointment with the specialist this week and will be able to get some extra help with everything that is going on. It is really starting to worry me as my movement is becoming very restricted and my back more painful as time goes on. Each time i have a big attacks in the head i end up virtually paralyzed as it is just too painful to move. It seems to take days to recover from a bad attack instead of just hours like before. This is showing and telling me that things are slowly getting worst and its not until you sit down to write your blog and look back over older notes that you realise that you are getting a lot worst than when you started your blog. I am just praying the specialist will be able to help and hopefully have some answers as to what is happening to me and why my back and movement is now paying the price for my illness.

The Beast has taken away my strength….

All day Saturday I suffered with strong shadows and the occasional attack from the beast but assumed it was down to the sudden change in weather and the storms we are having in the early hours. I was again woken this morning at 3am by the strong shadows and i have been awake and suffering every since. To be honest i didn’t really get any sleep apart from a couple of hours during the night where i must have dropped off despite the head aching and thumping all the time.

Normally after a weather change the attacks always seem to calm down and the shadows ease away after a couple of days but for some reason this year is not happening and i am suffering with the shadows more often. I should be grateful that the attacks have reduced to the number they have as if i was still as bad as i was in the Winter i don’t know what i would do. The trouble with the shadow feeling all the time is that you know it is leading to an attack and is only time before you are battling with the beast once again so end up shutting yourself away scared to go anywhere.

I have yet to have a full week where i don’t get any attacks at all and am wondering if my condition is actually getting worst. I seem to be getting stronger attacks and even though we are in summer, where the attacks normally disappear completely, i am still getting some very bog attacks and a lot of pain. My back is also in a lot of pain all the time and also seems to be getting worst. i am finding myself experience more days where i find it difficult to walk and lift my legs. Its as if they suddenly become really heavy and ache with each step i take as if someone or something has given you a dead leg.

All i can do for the time being is wait for my next appointment with the specialist and hope he can help to find some of the answers as to what is happening to me and if they can do something to help. For today i will just have to try and get plenty of rest and see if i can make up for all the lost sleep and hope that the beast is just as tired as me and will let me rest to gain my strength.

Some Times you get Fed Up with being Stuck In

Again i have woken up at 4 am this morning but not from an attack but from the strong shadows and feeling of pressure. To be honest i am not surprised after spending the day fishing yesterday sat on a hard fishing box instead of my comfortable fishing chair. My back ended up in agony by the end of the day and after over heating and getting my arms sunburnt by the end of the evening my head was banging. It felt like someone was hitting it with a hammer and was throbbing from the pain. It wasn’t an attack but a normal headache from the sun so for the first time in ages i took a couple of normal pain killers to deal with the ache but it was the sleep that ended up calming it down.

Although i have strong shadows today i am surprised i am not in more pain. My back doesn’t feel that bad at the moment and the neck is behaving itself. However this could change at any moment and at the drop of a hat i could end up in agony all over not just on the head. I know its starting to cause problems with other nerves in the neck causing these pains as i can actually feel it when it happens. Like an electric shock down the nerve before any pain begins warning me or the agony i am about to endure.

It was strange fishing yesterday as i had the strong shadows for the entire day and was shocked i didn’t have any attack during the day due to the bright and hot sun. i had taken precautions and wore my fishing cap and sun glasses for the entire day to keep the sun off my head and out of my eyes. I had also taken my fishing brolly in case it really did get too much but i didn’t have to use it as there was some cloud cover at times and a haze that was stopping the worst of the sun from getting through. Even though i didn’t end up with sun stroke i found the day to be tough with the strong shadows effect my fishing and i just couldn’t seem to get my rhythm and ended up loosing quite a few fish and became extremely frustrated by the time to pack up.

I did enjoy the day and got plenty of fresh air that did help me to relax a little. Also spending time with my mother and step father Brian helps to break the monotony of being stuck indoors alone all the time scared to go anywhere in case of a big attack. i am connected to the net all the time and also with my mother on blackberry BBM service and pester her on that so i do stay in touch with people but its not the same as seeing them and getting out and about.

The beast is asleep so lets try not to wake it!

Thankfully i haven’t been woken by the beast again this morning or have i had a big attack but last night was absolute murder. I ended up having over 10 attacks yesterday with 8 of them being through the day and then 2 massive one late last night that left me looking at my life in a different light. Again it scared the living daylights out of me and i actually thought i was going to die. No matter how many times i get attacks like that they don’t get any easier to manage. The pain was so intense i passed out twice only to wake up again a few seconds with my head feeling like it was going to explode.

I have woken this morning at 4am not due to an attack but i do have some strong shadows at the moment and a feeling of pressure again on the left side of the head. My neck seems to be ok at the moment although its still a little sore from last nights attacks.My back is normal and i do get small shooting pains up and down the spine when i move but i think that is due to another condition that i am waiting for my referral appointment for to find out what is going on in the back and why i am getting so much pain when i move or walk about.

Today we have decided to go fishing so i am praying my head behaves itself so i can go with my mother and step father as i have been missing my fishing like crazy. i don’t mind having one or two attacks by the waters edge as i can deal with them with the injections but to have a full day of attacks like yesterday i don’t think i would be able to cope. The weather is forecast to be warm with a little sun shining so it should be a good days fishing and i am going to try and see if i can get a nice big Carp out of the water. The lake we are fishing is known as the swan lake up at Peterstone Lakes complex just outside Newport in Wales and has a reputation for producing some big fish so i am really looking forwards to going as it is one of my favourite fishing venues.

Well its only a short entry into my blog today as i have to get myself ready for fishing and have loads to do. I have to go pick up all my medication for the week, get my money out of the bank, pay all my bills and orders and then get my tackle ready to go all by this morning. Should be a fund day rushing about but should be worth it when i catch a few nice fish.

Again i am having to fight the Beast….

Once again i have been woken by the beast at 3 – 4 am this morning with yet another big attack. I actually managed to have time to recover my energy before it decided to attack for the second time. They eye begins to close the pains shoots from behind the eye up over the head into the neck and down the back to the base of the spine. The main pain remains constant over the top of the head but the shooting pain down the spine is only occasional so i can only assume one nerve is touching or pressing on another causing a secondary issue. The eye eventually closes and it feels like someone is trying to scrape it out with a spoon.  Constant pressure on the top of the head with sharp pain all the time and all you can do is rub or massage it to see if you can ease the pain. You can’t actually reach the area the pain is coming from as its deep inside the head and somewhere behind the eye. It always feels like you eyeball is actually on fire and burning and no amount of massaging or rubbing the painful areas helps. You scream in agony as if to try and release the agony and pain but end up falling to the floor , rolling around in pain holding your head praying for it to stop.

You are fighting an invisible force, its as if someone is trying to pull your brain out of your head through your eye socket, you are fighting with the beast. The pain continues to grow stronger and stronger and all you can do is let it run its course and try and manage the pain but its impossible. You bang your head against the ground as if you want to crack it open to release the evil and hope it will go away. The side of the head becomes so tender and your senses seem to increase as sound becomes unbearable so you have to sit in silence and bright light makes it hurt more so you try and stay in the dark. Eventually the pain becomes so bad you end up with ringing in the ears like a TV that's out of tune and all you can hear is the static signal. This becomes so loud it blocks out other sounds and starts to drive you crazy. As the pain starts to reach its peak you start to become light headed and feel like you are going to pass out. I have actually passed out a couple of times before but only for a few seconds and when you do come around you head throbs hard and the pain then returns.

Suddenly the pain stops! Just as quick as it started. You look at the time and realise over an hour has passed but at the time you seem to loose all sense of time as it feels like a life time of agony and pain. For hours after the attack the neck hurts and grinds and even the back becomes painful. Its hard to walk around the flat because the legs start to feel like lead weights and all the muscles ache. Then when you finally start to feel comfortable another one starts to build. Again you have to go through the whole thing again. If you are lucky enough to take the injection and abort the attack some times you don’t have to feel the intense pain but most of the times it takes a while for the injection to work so you end up having to go through short attacks that last around 10 to 15 minuets until the injection takes hold and stops the attack in its tracks. Unfortunately only being able to have 2 injections in a day you begin to pry that no more attacks come as after you have used up the injections you then have to ride out the full attack with only oxygen to help.

I can only assume that the attacks have become so bad due to the strange weather we are having. I know the extremes of cold and heat are 2 of the main triggers that set of my attacks so i think the very hot weather started them off and now the storms and lightning seems to be having an effect on my head and its causing it to feel worst again. I am praying as the heat wave is coming to an end an the weather starts to return to normal i will go back to having more pain free days again. Normally this time of year my attacks become very scarce and only happen one or two day a week but i can end up having up to 10 or 12 attacks over those 2 or 3 day periods. When the Winter come i end up having that amount in a day and they then start to happen every day as it gets colder. I am praying that now i have help from the specialist and they are trying different medication i should hopefully be able to avoid the nasty attacks during the winter but we won’t know until it comes.

All i can do for now is pray that no more attacks happen today and as this weather passes i start to feel better and get less attacks. I will have to push the specialist for more help as these attacks are some of the strongest i have had in a while. I think the beast is trying to remind me that he’s still there and want’s to be in control but no matter what happens i will not let it control my life, I have to find a solution and i will fight the beats with every breath and bit of energy i have left in my body.

Woken by the beast 3 times ………I can’t cope

Yet Again i have been woken up at 3 am this morning by the beast with another massive attack. I honestly thought my head was about to explode it was that strong and the pain i get in the neck and a feeling like i have a ball or something stuck in the joint of the neck is an experience i would rather go with out. Every time i move my head it feels like the bones are grinding together and causes sharp shooting pains to run up and down the spine. The eye has swollen shut once again and the sweat is pouring off me like there is a leak in my water works.

Not to be content with just one attack the beast decided this morning it would wake me with 3 large attacks one after the other. About 20 minuets after the first one had finished and i was recovering my strength when i could all of a sudden feel another one building. The trouble when they are so close together like this is that i can’t take another injection so soon after taking the first one so i end up having to ride the full attack out only with the aid of oxygen. Don’t get me wrong the oxygen does help to reduce the length of the attack and can sometimes help stop the attack building if you use it when you have the strong shadows. When you are woken straight away with an attack it doesn’t give you a chance to take any precautions so you have to deal with the attack head on (excuse the pun).

3 big attacks, one after the other, has completely drained my energy and now i feel like i have been in a boxing match for the last 3 days with no rest. I am now left with a sore head, on the left side, with the scar swollen up like a lump and an extremely sore neck. I keep getting shooting pains down the spine again and pain in the back. These always seem to happen after big attacks and i have come to know them as the side effects of the attacks. When i try and walk its like lifting lead weights as my legs seem to have become more heavier also i get pain in the lower back with each step i take and the ache and pain seems to spread into the butt cheeks. No matter how much i try i can’t seem to get rid of these side effects after an attack and have to wait until they ease away on their own witch normally takes a couple of hours.

There has been a huge change in the weather so i am wondering if it is that that has caused me so much trouble and pain. We were enjoying a nice heat wave and a hot summer and are still enjoying the heat but it now seems to be on the change. Yesterday around 3 or 4 am we had torrential rain and a storm like no other with loads of thunder and lightning. This seems to be the reason for my attacks and with more of the same forecast over the next couple of weeks i am sure i am going to have a lot more attacks before this cycle is over. I have started to notice that after something has set off the attacks and caused them to start then i have to let them run their course. It seems like each attacks is stronger than the last and they have to reach a peak.

Once this peak is hit then the attacks stop and i end up having a couple of days pain free and no attacks. This must be what they mean when they say some people suffer with attack cycles rather than on a daily basis. I am hoping this is the case and that the medication i am on is starting to change the way the attacks work and hopefully with the help of other medication that the specialist will recommend i should be able to put the beast to sleep and stop the attacks once and for all. I will have to chase up my appointment with the specialist as it is now over due and i really need to see him to get some extra help in order to cope with  the pain all the time because at the moment i am just no coping. It would also be nice to try and find out why my back is hurting so much and why it is effecting my walking and movement. It seems the longer i leave it and the longer it takes to get seen by a specialist for the back the worst it is getting.

Well as you can see i have decided to change the design of my blog and make it a bit more easier on the eyes. It was giving me a headache looking at the bright colours all the time so god knows what it was doing to others. I have decided to keep this daily blog and incorporate it into my other web sites and link them all together so it is easier for people to find the information they are looking for. I will be continuing my daily blog as well as doing a monthly update blog also that just covers the key points and what is going on with my treatment.

I enjoy doing the web sites as it is the only release i have and keeps me from climbing the walls and going nuts from being shut away all the time. With the attacks still coming when they feel like it and are usually big attacks it makes life very difficult if i want to go out any where. Thankfully being connected to the internet helps me keep busy and keeps my mind active so i don’t just dwell on my situation and end up making myself depressed and ill. I am able to stay connected to family and friends in order to get the support i need , when i need it. There are days where i can’t even face going online but these day i tend to sleep away and stay locked in my room. I know its not healthy but i don’t really have any other options.

There is one thing that does seem to work and keep me calm and also helps to keep the attacks away. Its very strange how this happens and maybe its because it keeps my mind busy and i don’t think about my attacks. Fishing seems to be a miracle cure and for some strange reason, no matter how bad my head is, if i am busy fishing the attacks seem to stay away. Don’t get me wrong they don’t completely disappear and i have had a couple of nasty attacks whilst fishing but am able to disappear under my umbrella or into my bivvi, take my injection and when the pain is gone return to fishing. It seems to me that by keeping my mind busy and concentrating on fishing it helps to keep the attacks from building most of the time. However i do end up paying for it in the evening or the next day as the attacks seem to always return stronger after i have had a days fishing.