Let the Beast sleep, I’m off fishing …..Hooray!!

Luckily i haven’t been woken by the Beast this morning but my bowls are playing up something rotten. My back is in agony and the muscles in my back are in constant pain and are all tense. The amount of wind i have is crazy and painful when it keeps getting trapped. I am hoping a day out in the fresh air will do me the world of good. We have decided to go fishing again so i have been awake since 4 am. I still get excited before a fishing trip even after all these years of fishing. It’s something i look forwards to and when i am actually fishing i seem to relax. Fishing is the only sport and exercise i know of that actually stops my attacks from developing and helps me to concentrate and think through problems to find solutions. It is the only time i can honestly say i am completely relaxed and happy.

Its mad how such a small thing like fishing can effect someone so much it actually helps them on a mental level as well as physical. Being the only sport i love that i can actually participate in. I also love rugby but with my head and back i don’t think it would be a good idea playing that sport. I am just hoping that my back behaves itself today so i can really enjoy my fishing trip. The last time we fished the pond we are going to fish today we were non stop catching fish and it was a very busy and physical day so fingers crossed we have another day like that. Even though i am sat in a chair catching fish it still helps to exercise my joints and muscles and will hopefully help with the nerve and maybe even help un-trap what ever nerve is trapped in my shoulder that keeps making my left arm go dead.

The head has been behaving itself for the last 2 days with only a small attack late yesterday afternoon. I am sure it was the problem with the trapped nerve in the shoulder that caused the attack to come as i could feel the nerve in the neck being aggravated and swelling every now and again. The amount of pain you get from a nerve is unreal and when they decide to play up you know about it. Anyone passing my flat last night must have thought someone was being killed the amount of screaming i did from a small head attack all because the nerve was swollen over the head and the amount of pain that gave off was unlike anything i can describe. Fingers crossed it doesn’t play up today and i catch some nice big fish.

“The Beast & The Back”, what a combination..

I haven’t been updating my blog for the last few days as i have been feeling extremely unwell and very weak. Together with the attacks from the beast i have been going through hell. My stomach is constantly bloated due to internal wind traveling around the organs and causing me sharp pain when it gets trapped. I have sharp pain shooting up and down the spine and the muscles in the back are constantly tense due to aches and pains within the muscles making them feel weak. When i try to go to the toilet the back muscles no longer want to work correctly making it a nightmare to even push out trapped wind.

When i walk i still get aches and pains in the muscles and i get the feeling like i am about to pass out but manage to struggle past it and find myself out of breath and energy. I still have a nerve trapped in the left shoulder causing it to go numb all the time and also cause me to have small panic attacks. My sides feel tender and every now and again i will get a sharp stabbing pain as wind moves and finds itself trapped in another position. The bowls seem to be playing up to the back pain and the more back pain i get the more wind i get making it very uncomfortable in any position. When i try and do simple jobs like washing the dishes or sweeping the floor my energy drains really quick and i find myself having to sit down and let myself recover for 10 minuets before completing the task waiting for the numbness to stop and the feeling to come back in your hands.

I have been to the doctor and she is dumb founded! She has ordered some blood tests to check for problems in my joints and cholesterol and even gout tests. It could all be down to one nerve being trapped or it could be something else but all i know is it’s getting worst as time goes on and i no longer know what to do. They have just cancelled my appointment with the specialist whom i need to see urgently as i just cant go on like this for much longer. I am hoping to go fishing tomorrow to help take my mind of the problems i have and the stress and maybe it will help me to focus and get some fresh air. All i know is it will take all my energy and strength to go fishing in the morning but nothing is going to stop me as i am really looking forwards to it and looking forwards to getting out in the fresh air while we still have the weather to do so. Winter is just around the corner and i know how bad my head gets when the cold weather comes. Something else i am dreading.

Another wake up call from the Beast……

Another wake up call from the Beast at 3 am this morning resulting in me having to fight an attack for over an hour despite taking my injection to try and abort it. I hate it when you get the really strong attacks that always over power the injection as it always seems to leave me with a very sore neck and pressure on the left side of the head. If i irritate the head just a little it will then set of yet another attack so i have to try and keep calm and relax as much as i can. The feeling of having a golf ball stuck in the joint of your neck where the pain seems to be going to is so annoying. When the pain shoots over the top of the head from behind the eye it seems to make the golf ball feeling stronger and when you try and move your head it grinds and aches with each slight movement.

One thing i have found strange is ever since i have developed IBS each time i get an attack it causes the IBS to become bad and wind builds up in my body. This also includes hard wind inside the body not just the bowls and this wind tends to move around hitting the internal organs making it very painful and uncomfortable. No matter what i try i just can’t seem to shift this wind. Taking medication for the IBS helps to relieve the wind that is trapped in the bowls and helps to calm the stomach but i still have to contend with the hard wind traveling around my internal organs. I don’t mind being woken up so early this morning as i am going fishing today with my mother and step father at out local fishery. We have been planning this trip all week and i am really looking forwards to it despite having bowl problems and attacks building every hour. When i am fishing the attacks always seem to stay away for some reason. Maybe it is because i relax and stay calm when fishing or it could be that i concentrate so much on the fishing that i just don’t think about the attacks at all.

I know i have a nerve trapped somewhere in my shoulder as the last few days my left arm keeps on going dead or becomes extremely week even when i am typing up this blog my arm is aching and i have to rest it every 4 minuets or so. I have tried everything i can to release the nerve and stop this from happening but nothing seems to help. I have been rubbing in pain killer cream into my shoulder for the last week at least twice per day but this hasn’t helped one bit. I am hoping it will just release itself after time and the dead arm will go away but it doesn’t look like its going to happen any time soon. If it continues much longer i am going to have to seek professional help and see if i can get the shoulder manipulated so that the nerve can come free and stop causing me all this trouble. Each time the arm goes dead i tend to panic and with me suffering from mild bi-polar disorder the panic always tends to develop into full on panic attacks.

I am sure it is also setting of my attacks as it keeps on irritating my shoulder and neck and this seems to irritate the head and cause the attacks to appear. I am hoping i am wrong and the 2 have nothing to do with each other but something is telling me otherwise. At least i am booked in to see my doctor next week as i don’t know how much more i can put up with. I am fed up with being in pain all the time and being woken up in the early hours all the time. It always drains my energy and i always end up feeling like a zombie. lets hope a day out fishing will help to relax me and re-charge the batteries.

Attacked by the Beast and Feeling Low …….

At first your eyes open and you are just laid there staring up at the ceiling wondering what is going on, you realise you are wide awake and don’t feel tired at all. Then suddenly it dawns on you and you sit up in bed only to be welcomed by the beast in the early hours of the morning. The pain shoots out from behind your left eye over the top of the head and into the base of the skull where it joins the neck. You get a feeling like there is a ball stuck in your neck at the point it joins the skull and no matter what you do you can’t seem to remove the feeling. The pains grows in strength and your eye begins to close and water starts to stream out from behind the eye ball. By this point you are in so much agony you are praying to god for it to stop. You jump out of bed and reach for your injection knowing it is one of only two you can take to abort the attack. You start to question yourself, do you waste it ion this attack? will you be able to ride it out? or will the pain ease after a short while?

As time goes by you can feel the attack getting stronger and stronger, you run into your living room and sit there with your oxygen mask over your face and the valve opened up fully. You are still praying for the pain to go and at this point you are starting to welcome death. Just to be in peace and not have this pain all the time you wonder will this be the one? Will this be the attack to end all attacks. You feel like you are about to have a heart attack or a stroke and the panic starts to set in so you decide to give in and take your injection. What seems like a life time, is actually only a few seconds waiting and the injection begins to kick in. Your breathing becomes shallow and your chest becomes tight. You believe you are going to have a heart attack but before anything starts to happen the pain just suddenly stops as the injection takes over and you are left feeling short of breath and energy and a slight feeling of sickness.

I have lost count the amount of times i have had to start the day like this. I hate the early morning wake up calls from the beast as i can never get back to sleep afterwards and always end up feeling like the walking dead for the rest of the day. I can see why it has started over the last couple of days as the weather is turning once again and storms are on their way. It has been raining all night and is forecast to continue for the rest of the day so i think it is down to the weather that the attacks have been set of once again. I always think to myself that it is silly to think that the weather can cause such a problem but i have seen some crazy things so far in my life all down to the weather. I have seen bad depression triggered by the winter knows as S.A.D. I have also seen people who suffer migraines all caused from the weather and the low pressure fronts that move over us. I believe that’s how it effects me as i get some crazy swelling on the head when the attacks are bad and the swelling travels from the front of the skull all the way to the back where the pain enters the neck.

Well i am praying and hoping for better weather tomorrow as i was planning to join my mother and step-father fishing at out local lake. Even though my back is still playing up something terrible i will still go as i want to get out of the flat for the day and get some fresh air doing something i enjoy and i can;t think of a better way than fishing with your friends and family. My bowls have also decided to play up today and i have to say they are very bad as it is making sitting here at the desk very uncomfortable and painful. I am not sure what has set them off as i have only taken my medication and had a cup of coffee so the only thing i can think it could be is the milk. Maybe i am starting to become irritated by full cream milk and maybe i should go for the more healthier option in the future, Maybe that will stop the bowls playing up first thing in the morning. Ever since i took the Verapamil and had the reaction to the medication, that i thought was about to kill me, i have suffered with IBS and for some reason it just wont go. You would have thought once i stopped taking the medication that caused the problem your body would return back to normal but for some reason it has left me with IBS and now i suffer on a daily basis on top of everything else that is happening to me.

Its crazy as not only do i suffer from CH (Cluster Headaches) and Mild Bi-Polar Disorder i also now suffer from IBS (Irritable Bowl Syndrome) & Arthritis of the Back or something similar. I can’t say for sure what is going on with the back and my walking until i have seen the specialist and got a proper diagnosis from them. To top it all off with the bowls causing hard wind travelling and trapping in and around the organs causing me sharp pain all the time. So you can imagine, i am getting pain when i walk, pain when i sit, pain when i move a little and the wind moves and pain when the attacks come, and the specialists wonder why i am so down all the time and depressed. Then just lately i have been also suffering from some very strong panic attacks just to put the icing on the cake so to speak. I normally get panic attacks from being bi-polar but these are mild and after suffering the condition since i was 9 or 10 i have learnt to deal with them and normally ride them out with out a problem but these new attacks are very strong and hard to deal with. Even though you know deep down that it’s only a panic attack it is still scary and with every thing else that is going on you tend to think you are about to die or have a stroke making it  a lot harder to deal with and stay calm. i have tried all sorts of relaxation and breathing techniques but nothing seems to work or help. Lets just hope things start to improve a little once i have seen my doctor next week and try and get her to chase up the referral for my back and walking. At least if i can get an answer as to what is going on i won’t worry so much and the panic will be a lot less and easier to deal with.

The Beast has decided to join the party!….

Well there was me hoping that with all the back pain i was getting at the moment the beast would at least stay away and give me a longer break from the attacks but unfortunately the beast decided to join the party and woke me at 3am this morning with an attack from hell. Again another strong attack so strong i am sure i lost consciousness at one point. Another attack where the injection just seemed to help for about 10 minuets and then the attacks continued to grow in strength. I have had some strong attacks before but this was one of those you can class as the worst. It took me almost an hour before i could honestly move about again. I was so drained of my strength i just lay there on the floor staring up into space with ringing in both ears. It was as though i had been nocked out by a boxer and was just laid there on the canvas waiting for the referee to suddenly stop the fight.

When i did finally start moving again i was immediately welcomed by sharp pains in the back and neck and again a feeling of pressure on the left side of the head. the shadow seems very strong today so maybe we are about to have a storm or rain and there is another low pressure front coming over my area at the moment and that's why it is so bad. There are so many different triggers for my condition  it is almost impossible to guess what may have set it off this time and why they are so strong. It could actually be the pain in the back that has aggravated the nerve and caused an attack to build. I am just hoping that there won’t be any more attacks today or at least if i do they will be smaller ones and easier to handle but something tells me i am in for a rough day again. I have this feeling i will have a few more of these attacks before the day is over.

I have decided that on Friday i am off fishing at one of the local fisheries just to have a bit of fun and get out of the house again and get some fresh air in my lungs. Maybe this will help to make me feel a bit better and calm some of the stress and worry i have been getting this week. I think my mother and Brian my step-father will be coming with me for the day out so it should be great fun. My friend John has also decided he could do with a break and is going to come with me. He has been a real god send just lately as when i do decide to go fishing he volunteers to carry the heavier equipment saving my back from further agony and pain. I can’t thank him enough when he does this as it saves me from so much pain people just don’t understand. When you try an explain the level of pain they always seem to have the same answer, “Yes we understand the pain you are in as we get migraines” or “have had a bad back before” and then when you try and explain that its like amputation with out anaesthetic they always look shocked at first and then a look of disbelief comes over them as if to say “no one can be in THAT much pain”.

I decided to chase up my appointment with my specialist the other day as i was due to see hi in April but i still haven’t had the appointment. I managed to leave a message with his secretary to try and see what is going on as i am having such a bad time of things. Eventually she managed to ring me back the other day and said they were very sorry and they could see i was over due the appointment but where he has been so busy with other things he is running extremely late with all of his appointments and they will be able to see me in October the 21st. I was gobs smacked when she said the date and asked if there was any way they could see me sooner as i am having serious trouble and even explained about the Verapamil giving me an allergic reaction and almost killing me. She said they would keep me on the cancellation list and if they have a cancelation they will ring me in the morning to go in to hospital in the afternoon. This means i now have to watch for the phone call as it could come at any time making it difficult for me to go out. So i contacted Virgin media and asked them to put the answer machine on my phone just in case she calls when i am out.

I think i should also make an appointment with my normal doctor and when i ring the surgery insist that i see her and no one else so i can try and get this problem with my back and walking sorted. She can at least chase up my referral that was made at the start of the year. I did receive a letter saying i was on the waiting list and then nothing for well over 4 months now. I know they are busy but all this waiting is really stupid as people end up getting worst by the time they are seen and instead of maybe they can sort the problem out if they catch it early enough they end up leaving the person suffer for ages and then when seen its too late to do anything and they will just have to learn to live with the condition. It took well over 10 years for them to discover my condition and then about 2 years to diagnose it. This was mainly my fault as i just wouldn’t give in to the attacks and ended up self medicating for many years and ended up in big trouble and had to have the doctors detox me before i could get any treatment

There are so many people stuck on waiting lists getting worst and worst until they are seen and they say the health service in this country is the best in the world as it is free. If i could afford it believe me i would be going private and going to the best doctors in London to try and put a stop to these attacks but i can’t afford the prices they put on treatment today. Many other countries pay for medical insurance and you have to pay a monthly fee to get the treatment you want. I wouldn’t mind that, having to pay a monthly charge to get treatment, as long as the treatment was second to none and you were seen straight away with no messing about. Oh! how we wish things could be so different! All i can do is try and chase things up and sit and wait for my appointments and in the meantime battle the beast on a regular basis and try and enjoy the pain free days when i do get them.

The Beast is Asleep but the pain goes on and on

Thankfully i have managed to have a couple of days pain free with regards to my head and the attacks. unfortunately my back hasn’t been as good. I am still getting a lot of pain around the back on both sides and it spreads into my bum cheeks all the time. When i walk the calf muscles in my legs ache and on the front it feels like the skin has been stretched tight. The upper muscles of my legs hurt and at the back it goes into the bum all the time. Normally this only happens a couple of times a month but for the last 3 weeks it has been constant and every day i have had to deal with the difficulty in walking and moving about. i am not sure why it has become so bad and can only assume it is down to the damaged nerve that keeps giving me the attacks. I have never had this before the attacks started so can only assume that's where it has come from.

It was a bit of a nightmare shopping at Tesco’s over the weekend as i was having so much difficulty with my movement. Every step i took just brought me more pain and agony and my left arm and shoulder also kept going dead from the nerve getting trapped or playing up. Every time my arm went dead i ended up getting a panic attack. i don’t know why as i know what was happening to me but for some reason panic would set in and it would take me ages to calm down. So far there has been about 4 days where i have had bad panic attacks over the last week all due to my arm going dead. I even went to the doctor and reported what was going on but i couldn’t get to see my normal doctor and had to see the locum. This just resulted in her telling me to rub this cream i have for pain in my back into my shoulder 3 times a day and the dead arm would eventually stop. She said she thought i have trapped or pulled something during my sleep and that's why it was playing up so badly. She totally ignored the fact of my back being in pain and my walking being so bad. So i ended up asking for stuff to help with my IBS and bowls and just left the surgery. I will have to try and get a proper appointment with my normal doctor to chase up the referrals for my back as i can’t go on like this. I do get a few days where i am ok and i can move about pain free but they have become far and few between.

I am hoping to go fishing again at the end of the week as i am just fed up with being stuck indoors all the time. If it’s not my head playing up or the fear of an attack happening in public keeping me from going out its the pain in the back and the painful movement that causes me to be stuck in all the time. I try my hardest to do normal things every day and make sure i exercise or at least go for a short walk to get some fresh air but its been getting harder every time. I just can’t seem to walk any distance any more before pain starts to build and i end up in trouble or having to jump on a bus because i can’t walk back. Then when i get on the bus i start to have panic attacks as the bus vibration aggravates my head and neck and the fear of having an attack whilst trapped on a full bus just starts to get me worried. It just seems no matter how hard i try i just end up having to stay indoors all the time.

I know i am going through these things because of my illness but i just can’t seem to get my head around how quickly i seem to be deteriorating. At the age of 40 i now feel as if i am 80 and my back is in constant pain. If i eat well and put on weight it just makes things worst so i end up missing meals and making myself ill. The stress of everything seems to be getting me down just lately and even the depression has been difficult to cope with. I seem to be going through quick mood changes as one minuet i am up and looking forwards to the future and then the next i am down and so low i just don’t want to go on anymore. The fight seems to be draining from me and i seem to have a lot less energy each day. Having attacks in the early hours all the time and the fear of sleeping as u know you will wake to yet another attack leaves you lacking of sleep and rest. The body feels so tired all the time i just don’t know what to do any more. I try to think to myself that i can get through this and eventually control the beast but as each week passes and i feel like i am slowly getting worst it becomes harder and harder to stay focust and positive. God i need help!

Hoping for a “pain free” day fishing at local lake.

I didn’t get anymore attacks yesterday and managed to get through the evening with out the Beast showing its face again. This morning i have woken early at 5 am not from the best and not due to shadows or pressure its because i am going fishing today with John my best mate. We decided yesterday instead of just having a couple of hours in the evening we would make a day of it instead and at 7 am we will be off down our local lake. I don’t know why but when ever i go fishing i don;t seem to get any attacks or even signs of the attacks building in the back ground. Even if my back is painful and i can’t move around too much there is something about the sport of fishing that seems to keep me calm and relaxes me. It actually relaxes me enough to stop the attacks from coming. I am hoping this will be the case today as i can already feel some shadows when i woke up this morning but they are not very strong and i doubt an attack will come of it.

There are some showers forecast for today and a low pressure system over Cardiff so i have to watch out as normally this will set off my attacks like there is no tomorrow and i end up getting anything up to 15 attacks in one day. I can then go 3 or 4 days with no attacks after a bad spell or it could end u a couple of days of attacks. my condition is so erratic at the moment it is hard to tell what , when and if the attacks come and how long they will last.

Well fingers crossed for a great days fishing at out local lake and for the chance of catching a monster carp. Lets hope the beast stays in hibernation for a while i and i can enjoy my day staying relatively pain free. i don’t mind the back playing up now and again as its only natural if i am going to be moving about and carrying fishing gear. I will take a couple of pain killers with me just in case it does start to become unbearable and very painful. The one good thing is that John will be coming with me so if there are any problems he is there to help. I have to say he has been a life line just lately and has helped me out no end of time. I should do something nice for the guy just to say thanks, i will see what i can find and then surprise him.