Woken again at 2 am This Morning …..

I have been woken by the Beast yet again his morning at 2 am and has left ne with a strong shadow so there is just no way i could go back to sleep. All i have been dong is laying on the sofa nursing my eye with a  cool towel waiting for the pain in the back to ease away so i can move around. I have noticed my balance has gone all weird and i keep bumping into things with my left side so i have to be careful.

Why it has suddenly gone like that i don't know it seems to be ever since i went fishing on Saturday and as we fished through the night i ended up having 2 nasty attacks during the night and thank god John was there with me as my back locked in a strange position and i asked him no matter how much i screamed to pull me up and straighten me out and t worked. Ever since this strange attack my balance had gone all funny so i will have to report it to the doctor on my next appointment.

Finally the letter came for my MRI scan on the base of the spine to see what is causing me all theses problems when i am walking and why there is so much pain. It could just be muscular and i am praying that is all it is but my mother suffers with very bad arthritis and started suffering the same way i have started so its a bit worrying that its in the family and i will have no choice but to suffer with arthritis when i am older. At least we now have an appointment on the 28th March 2014 at 11.20am so i will have to make sure i get there early so don't miss my slot otherwise i could be waiting another year or 2 for the next available appointment.

I had my meeting with Helen from CAU who is my share-care nurse and if i have any major problems i am able to ring her and she will try and help as much as she can. She has  given me the addresses of some companies that deal in caring in the community and also cheap transport to and from the hospital as apparently due to my condition i am entitled to the transport in order to attend my appointments. This is all new to me and i didn't know until yesterday day so i will give them a ring a few days before the appointment and arrange transport that was as  can’t keep relying on my mother and step father who are both ill themselves so its a little unfair to assume they will always come and take me.

On a sad note Helen will be retiring from CAU soon as she has been one of the best share care nurses i have had to date and its such a shame to loose someone you can actually talk to and know that they are not ju6ts going to brush you off or give you a load of BS they tell you how it is and what you have to do. I will be sorry to see her go and she will be surely missed.

Another Early morning wake up by the Beast…..

Another wake up call from the beast this morning at3 am again with an attack that just over powered my injection. The [ain was so strong i couldn’t walk properly as my balance was all out of sync and i kept walking into the walls as i made my way into the living room. These early morning wake up calls can become a pain as all i end up doing is staying awake, watching TV and writing my blog on the computer.

I wouldn’t mind so much if i was fishing as the fish seem to feed better in the early hours so being up at this time would actually be a bonus. Thankfully we are off fishing for the weekend tomorrow with my mate John Rees and my Step-father Brian Lloyd. Brian is only joining us for half a days fishing as he doesn’t like t leave my mother alone to long even though my brother is there and i can’ fault him or that.

Myself and Jon will be fishing right through the night and through the next day so we will get all day Saturday and all day Sunday to see if we can  catch a big Carp I am jut hoping the weather holds and we don't end up with gales during the night as this will jus spoil the tip and means we would have to take the rods out of the water until the storm has passed. I don’t think so as the weather forecast for the next few days are looking good.

I have all my medication ready to take with me just in case the head decides to play up and i am also taking a spare set of clothes not only in case i fall in the water but also if i start to feel cold i will start putting layers on so that i don't catch a cold. So far this winter has been mild and no where near as cold as it was last winter so its all looking promising and with some new baits and tackle to try out we should have a enjoyable weekend. (Fingers Crossed)

Depression so bad i felt i had been hit around the head with a baseball bat!

For the first time in over 5 years i have ha to struggle hard with my depression. It just started out of a chain of things that went wrong yesterday. Being let down by friends whom you normally look after if they are in trouble but when the shoe is on the other foot its a different matter. I should really have been feeling happy and excited as i am going fishing on Saturday as long as the weather holds and my health is ok then we are off on our first trip of 2014.

The depression was so bad yesterday talk about having harmful thoughts about hurting yourself. For over 6 hours last night i had to fight the urge to do something stupid. This has really worried me a i haven’t felt like this for a long long time and the last time i did feel like it i was locked away in a mental hospital for my own safety and i don't want to end up in that situation again. All i want to do is concentrate on my fishing and get on with my life  but it seems like i keep getting knocked back every step i take.

I ended up getting a few valium of a friend of mine and a couple of sleeping tables sat with a cup of coffee waiting for the valium to start to take effect and then took my sleepers and went to bed, It seemed to do the trick as i fell asleep straight away and didn't wake until 6 am this morning. Not even the Beast was able to wake me. So i managed to get a good full nights sleep. When i woke this morning i felt fine and then all of a sudden an over whelming feeling of depression and feeling low came over me like a dark cloud covering your whole body. It can only bee the same depression as nothing else as happened to set it off. Maybe all i did by taking the valium and sleepers was delay the inevitable and the depression has returned once again with vengeance.

So again i have another day having to battle with these feelings that i don’t want and don't even know where they come from. I have spend all week getting ready for my fishing trip and trying to make sure i have everything wee need for the trip. Something inside me tells me that something will go wrong on or something will stop us going. Its probably just the depression playing tricks on the mind like it does so i am hoping this cycle will break before the weekend starts.

No attack this morning just a bad shadow, is it all worth it…..

Sometimes i just feel like giving up and wonder is it all worth its having to suffer pain every day, and then i think about all the people out there that are also suffering and that feeling of not being alone for one second is what brings back my strength and hope that something can eventually be done about it. So far most mornings is when u have the worst attacks and t is so hard to keep going all he time. The depression becomes hard and gets on top of you and you just cry for hours for no apparent reason even just spilling a drink can cause out to break down.

There has been many a time i have just wanted i all to stop so much and had to push the dark thoughts to the back of my mind and ignore them. Feelings of hurting and feelings of ending it all are not normal feelings they are fake and its the illness that brings them on so i have to fight hard when they come. I am slowly loosing strength and hope i can continue going. Each time the depression comes its getting harder to shut these feelings away and for the first time ever i broke down in front of my fishing partner John witch was a bit embarrassing but he understood. He has been a god send to me and have helped me so much but now its time to get my mind off my illness and back on the fishing.

We have planned a trip to the local lake on Saturday 22nd February and we will fish right through the night and the next days and come home around 8pm Sunday evening. We know the days wont be so bad but we are making sure w can wrap up if the night becomes very cold and frosty and we will take every precaution possible. I am excited about getting out fishing and trying out some new baits that we are waiting for and some new rigs that we have been testing, I am just hoping nothing happened from  now until then to stop the trip if that happened i don't know how  i would cope, i need to get out of this damb flat staring at the walls all the time waiting to get out to go fishing is making me nuts.

Fingers crossed everything goes ok with the doctors and i don’t want  to get any surprises when i go there as i don't think i could cope anymore i am on the edge and about to snap. Although i feel fine and my body seems back to normal after taking those weird tablets i am hoping it stays like this and when the summer comes the attacks will decrease as they normally do and i wont have so many so with his being a mild winter i should e ok. I will stay with the pregabilin at a low dowse as not to aggravate the side effects and the injections and oxygen and the wait for my next appointment with the specialist,

Another wake up call but feeling a bit better

Yet another wake up call from he beast to start the day. I am feeling a lot clearer head today for some reason not so pressured and dark as i can describe it, but actually think without being confused.The last couple of days have been painful ones with attacks happening through the day i am hoping it is starting to calm down again as when it gets like this it seems to calm and i only get one or 2 attacks in a day.

My back and sides are not so sore today either so it looks like a promising day. I just wish i had they means to go fishing as the weather has ben nice the last couple of gays. I have booked a trip 2 days and one night to see if we can get out first winter carp. I cant wait for this trip i have been preparing for so long. The first trip outs are always the interesting ones as you are getting used to new gear and tactics.

After everything i have been through i deserve a break. I have the doctor's again tomorrow for my six week check-up. I also have to report on the new drugs i was taking and what was happening to me over a week. I will not be taking them again nor will i take anything other than the pregabilin until i see me specialist again.

Woken early again, sweet dreams

Well yet again i have been woken just past midnight with yet another attack from the Beast! Again it almost lasted an hour but thankfully the injection worked and put a stop to the attack just in time. Again i have to stay awake as i have now got strong shadows on the left side of the head like some one pushing down on it constantly so there is now ay of getting back to sleep. All i can do is take my mediation and lay on the sofa watching TV and hoping i doze off or actually get some rest.

Its mad is i star dong the house work as i am normally done y 8 a and then have nothing to do for the rest of the day, I am going to have to go fishing soon as i don't mind waking up at this time by the lake setting up new traps to catch the big fish. It’s fun when you are dong something you like but for the moment all i can do is take a lay down and hope i drift back off to sleep so i will update my blog later as to how i get on..

Sweet Dreams

Up early again with more attacks, give me a break

Another attack in the early hours this time at 12.30 and lasted just over an hour. As soon as the attack as over i jumped on the computer to try and wake myself up a bit as i have strong shadows and there us no way i could go back to sleep as i can feel the pressure and other attacks building.

It so not fair i feel like i am living like a zombie. I am up all night long as  just cant sleep as the drop in temperature is just causing the attacks to set off so i end un kipping during the day time to make up for the los of sleep. The pain i am currently getting on the left side of the face feels like someone is cutting it of slowly. This is after an attack so you can imagine the pain levels it gets to. My neck feels like i have a ball stuck in the side of it and the pain down my back is almost crippling .

These will now slowly reduce as the day goes on and the medication takes over. Thankfully the Pregabilin is still working on the attacks as the last lot of tablets i was given almost killed me. the side effects were so bad i was having fits on the floor. I now have to wait another 4 months before i can see the specialist to tell him they didn't work and get something new to try. At least my injections and oxygen still works so  do get some help and relief.

I had my six monthly interview with the social yesterday and ended up having a panic attack as they didn't even know about my condition at first and was waiting to turn up for an appointment at the office, I had rang a phew days before telling them i couldn’t make it but some gut called Phil said not to worry they would call me at m appointment time.I waited and hour after the time and still nothing so i rag them t find out what was happening and no on knew about it and who this Paul was. I thought oh no here we go i m going to loose y benefits and there is nothing i can do about it as i cant get to the office. Thankfully this lovely gentleman listened to my story and seemed to understand my condition and understand how it made me. He put my mind at rest and there's is nothing to worry about. My benefits will continue and i have to write to their head office updating on them on the decease in my health.

I wish i didn't have to report a decrease as i was hoping to get better. To be honest i thought they would find something with the scans ad say this is what is causing it and n operation will put to right. Its hard having to accept you have no cure for your condition an you have to fight these attacks for the of what life i have left. How do i explain that to the government what di i say and put. Sorry but my life is screwed and there's sod all i can do about it. i have to spend the rest of my life taking strong drugs that really mess me up and have bad side effects. Happy days ahead,

The only break i get from all this is when i go out fishing. Even though i still have attacks inside my tent i don't get anywhere a near as i normally do. Either its the fresh air or being outside relaxing something seems to calm then when i fish so i have to get out soon. As soon as this weather calms down i am gone for a couple of days and see if i can get my head to calm down a bit. I really do need it.