Once again i have been woken by the beast in the early hours. 4 AM on the dot the eyes open and the sudden feeling like something is about to happen. The realization that you don't feel tired and that you are wide awake which can only mean one thing. As you suddenly jump out of bed and rush towards your injections and the pain starts and shoots over the top of your head. Before you have even got the injection in your hand you are in extreme pain and your left eye has swollen and is pouring with tears. The left side of the face reddens and the eye and cheek droops and the constant sharp pain grinds deep into your brain. A Sharp line shoots over the left of your head as if someone had taken a ruler and cut cleanly with a sharp blade deep into your skull. The pain starts above the jaw on the left of your face and runs over the entire head into the back of the neck on the left side at the top of your shoulder. The pain effects not only the head but also causes spasms and pain to shoot down the lower left side of your back not to mention the aches and pains after the attack has finished.
Once you have taken your injection all you can do is hold your head and cry and pray to god for it to take effect or if that don't work then to stop the pain and put you out of your misery. The pain is at a level where sound becomes muffled and the smell of electricity is in the air. You feel like you are on the edge just clinging on to life by some unknown miracle and wish for it to stop. The pain just feels like it is getting stronger slowly and that there is no end to the level of pain you are going to get. Suddenly as if someone has switched a small switch in the side of your head it stops. No pain all gone. The injection has worked and kicked it. You know for sure it is the injection that has stopped it as the chest suddenly tightens and you become short of breath for a few seconds and then it begins to ease and the attack is gone. Unfortunately due to the pain level and the amount of attacks i have had the nerves in my upper back and shoulder are also damaged and the amount of pain i get in my upper and lower back after an attack is a big issue in itself.
I have had to deal with these attacks for well over 10 years now and can honestly say they never get any easier to deal with and i sometimes think they are getting stronger as time goes on and its only leading to the inevitable. The one attack that i wont be able to handle or recover from. The on attack where the pain becomes so much that the body and mind will just say no more. I sometimes wonder how much pain the human body can be in at times and think surely there must be a point where the body and mind says it just cant take any more and switches off. God only knows when that point will come and i am just grateful that i do now get some pain free days even though they are few. I still get attacks every morning and can sometimes go weeks with very little sleep and end up really run down but i think about all the people who are worst than me and i struggle on.
I can now deal with 2 attacks per day with the injections so i am finding i am having more pain free days as we call them due to not having to deal with full on attacks for hours on end. At least my attacks have reduced and for now i am getting some sort of break but i know the luck wouldn't last and that the beast would have to return. I am not getting out as much as i should and find myself shut away in my flat all the time so i am really trying to make the effort top get out and do some fishing over the next couple of months while the weather is good as i can cope with the attacks better when its warmer. I am hoping the weather holds and my back doesn't start playing up or something else to come along and spoil things. I have my 6 weekly appointment with the doctor tomorrow so hopefully we can discuss a solution to my sleeping problems and see if i can rest more at night so i have more energy during the days to do things. Fingers crossed the beast has gone back to sleep for the rest of the day and i wont get a visit till the morning
