As usual just when i think things are starting to get better and i am slowly improving something comes along once again and makes life a living hell. As i was just starting to feel better we thought it was time i should try and take my Sodium Valporate again to try and help control the attacks but unfortunately i have gone and ended up feeling ill after just one dose. An immediate reaction and me feeling as though i was going to die resulted in me not taking it ever again but it has now kicked off the allergy side effects as it did before and again i am struggling with a small dose of oral thrush, nettle style allergy reaction to my arms and hands and lumps on the back of my tongue. Pain in both sides of my neck causing temporary ear ache every now and again and also keeps setting off my cluster attacks making each day a living hell having to deal with 4 or 5 attacks and only being able to abort 2 is very hard when its become every day for the last 3 weeks.
I no longer have any spare injections and am surviving day to day having to collect new from the chemist every few days as they are in shortage and hard to get hold of at the moment. I am taking medication for the thrush with some oral mouse wash and taking paracetamol but that doesn't even touch the pain. Every attack i have drains more and more energy from my body and sometimes i wonder just how much more can the body take. The attacks feel like they are getting stronger every time i have one and no matter how much i try and stay calm and say to myself don't worry i always end up becoming religious wishing to god to end the pain finally and let me be in peace. I wonder how many attacks do i have to have before it will finally kill me and how much more pain do i have to suffer. I then try and think of people worst off than me dealing with pain every day and wonder how do these people do it. How do they struggle on knowing each day is going to be just as painful and if not worst than the one before.
It's not until you actually suffer and cluster attack you realize just how much pain there is. I have had abscesses, broken bones, stuff stabbed in me and cuts all over from a motorbike crash where i had the skin taken off me down the right side of the body when i slid down a road. I have never experienced the level of pain a cluster attacks gives you. You actually want to smash your head open and pull out the pain its so bad and you pray for death to come rather than wishing for an angle to bring a cure. This has to be one of the worst conditions i have ever known and to have no cure, no treatment and to say its never going to get better with out the help of strong medication is a hard pill to swallow sometimes.
I am just praying for a break at the moment and hope that there will be an end to my attacks for a while at l;east a few more pain free days so i can get back out and do a bit of fishing as with everything going on and my health up and down like a yo yo i am finding i am missing out on my fishing trips again so i need to do something about it and try and get a few trips in before the weather becomes cold and the attacks really start. When winter comes and the winds get colder the attacks will be more frequent and i know for sure i will only be able to get out once or twice in the winter months so have to make the most of the nicer weather at the moment. Fingers crossed the attacks will start to reduce again for a while.
