Despite the weather being horrific i still managed to have a lay in till 7am this morning. This has been very rare lately as i normally wake up from a call by the beast and end up fighting an attack for at least an hour. Thankfully this didn’t happen this morning and i have woken with shadows instead. What i mean by shadows is a feeling of pressure all over the left side of the head like it is swollen and intermittent sharp stabbing pains in the neck that also run down the spine into the lower back area. These shadows will slowly build as the day goes on and i will get one or two attacks varying in strength with out any warning apart from this shadow feeling.
These are the days that i always lock myself away in fear of having an attack when i am out in public. It’s not that i am ashamed of the attacks or don’t wish to be seen even though i do feel a little embarrassed at times but its more due to the fact that when you have an attack, due to the pain being so strong, all you want to do is be left alone in quiet to deal with the agony and let it pass. you also don’t want people seeing you smashing your head against the ground as if to crack it open when the attacks are so bad you just wish you were dead. It’s also the fact that when people see a bad attack they always tend to panic and call an ambulance due to not understanding what is happening and many believe you to be having a stroke of some kind. No matter how much you try an explain yourself and try to educate the people around you there is just now way of describing how painful the attacks are and how bad they make you feel.
I am just praying that today the attacks that are due to arrive at any moment won’t be as strong as they usually are or that i am able to abort it with my injection. There was many times during the winter months when i felt like this and had to deal with some scary and horrific attacks and they were so strong they used to over power the injection making it useless but thankfully the oxygen helped to reduce the time the attacks lasted and halved the torment. I sometimes wonder just how much pain the human body can take before it says enough is enough. It won’t be long until my next appointment with Dr. Pickersgill, my neurologist and specialist in CH, and hopefully he will be able to try another medication that may help to put these attacks to rest once and for all but something tells me inside that it is going to be a while before we find the magic combination and i have many more painful days to come.
Again i have had to cancel my next fishing trip as the weather has been so bad making my head play up all the time. This month has been so wet it seems like for the last 2 weeks all it has done is rain and more rain. We had a nice start to June with a couple of hot sunny days and now it has just turned to grey, horrible and wet. I am praying it ends soon so my head will improve and i can start to go fishing again.
Some people ask how i can manage to go fishing yet i cant jump on the bus to go over the shop? my honest answer in I don’t know why? All i know is the when i am fishing i am completely relaxed and focused on the water and how the fish feed and how i am going to trick them in to taking my bait. How i set up my rigs and how i play the fish. I don’t think about my head for one moment and if i do have an attack i can just jump in my bivvi out of sight of others and take my injection. As soon as it kicks in and stops the attack i can return to fishing and if it’s a bad attack i just put the rods onto bite alarms and go and lay down for an hour until it has eased away.
I think i am just lucky that a sport i love so much seems to help me to relax and help me manage my condition. I think if i didn’t have the fishing and the internet to share my feelings i would have been a lot worst by now and don’t even want to think about the consequences and what may have happened to me by now. I am just thankful i have understanding friends and family and have finally found the right doctor to deal with my condition i am just hoping something will be able to be done in order to help me stop the attacks from happening and improve my quality of life.
