Unfortunately the last couple of days have been really bad. So far the start to this winter has been a lot more painful than i was anticipating. Although i haven’t had as many attacks as i normally have the strength of the attacks have been really bad. I used to get around 3 or 4 small attacks during a day and anything from 2 to 4 big attacks. Now i don't get any of the smaller attacks and still anywhere from 2 to 4 big attacks and i have had days where i have had 8 massive attacks but that isn't a regular thing thank god. I don’t get attacks every day they seem to be in bouts of 3 or 4 days and then i get one or two days rest in between these attacks. Last year i did have periods where i would go six weeks with out a break and the lack of sleep was unbearable as i was falling asleep on my feet. I am praying to god that it doesn't get that bad again but i have a feeling after this start it is going to be hell. No wonder they nick name this condition “The Beast”, as only something so evil would want you to suffer as much as i do everyday.
Again i was woken by “the beast” at 3am with a wake up call from hell. I thought some thing was in my eye burning its way through to the back of my head it was so strong, and that was as soon as i opened my eyes. I am sure i was even dreaming about the pain but i cant be sure as i soon forgot what i was dreaming about within seconds of feeling the actual pain shoot over the top of the left hand side of my head. I crawled into the living room, it was that bad i couldn’t stand properly as the pain that was down the spine was just as strong as the pain in the head. I know it is definitely a nerve that is causing the problems as it seems to effect al the nerves down the spine when it gets really bad. I had to take my injection this time as it was building to be a very strong attack. I managed to get into my “recovery chair” as i call it. An arm chair in the living room with some soft cushions and my oxygen bottle and mask all set up ready for me to use and the telephone next to it in case of emergencies. i placed the oxygen mask round my head switched on the oxygen and started to breathe in and praying to god for the pain to stop.
The oxygen works and helps to reduce the amount of time the attacks last but not always. It isn’t every time you can use the oxygen as sometimes the pain is so bad you can’t sit still and other times it is so bad you can’t move and get to it. When you do manage to use it, it doesn’t stop the attacks but does have an effect on the time. It makes me wonder if , when getting the attacks, oxygen isn’t starved from the brain? maybe that’s why it helps reduce the time. All i know is that it helps and it also gives me some comfort knowing i have it there if i need it, a little bit of security. It managed to help reduce my big attack this morning as it only lasted a further 20 minuets after i sat in the chair and started to use it so i am thankful of that. It has left me feeling like i have been hit round the side of the head with something and my eye feels swollen and sore. My neck is very painful to move so i am trying to keep as still as is possible. The top of my head feels like it has been cut off and then crudely stuck back down again and the swelling on the left side, by the scar, is proud so i know i am going to have a few more of these attacks before the day is over,
I have my “brain” scan on Saturday the 1st December, a nice Christmas present, i will finally get some answers as to what is causing the swelling and hopefully also as to what is aggravating my condition and causing the attacks to be so regular. i have finally got control of my bi-polar disorder (depression mood swings) and have stopped yo-yo’ing so i made the appointment to see the doctor just after my scan and will ask her to continue increasing the medication again. Let’s see if it really is working and it can stop these attacks from building. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that i may have this condition for the rest of my life and that i will probably have to control it with strong medication al the time as well but i really have to get them to do something about my appetite and stomach. half the time i am not eating properly because i just don't feel hungry and the other half i don't eat as my stomach constantly feels sick from all the tablets and medication i take. I will have to ask the doctor for some supplements i think just to make sure i am getting the right nutrition i need as i am feeling weak all the time and i really need my strength the tackle these attacks all the time.
Well its another cold, wet, grey and miserable looking day outside! I can easily see why people suffer from depression so easily in the winter. Just a little bit of sunshine would be nice, just to make it a bit lighter and it wouldn’t be so bad. it is still very cold outside and i don't think it will get much warmer now as the winter is really about to begin. So far we have the worst rain in the last couple of days than what we have had in years with a floods and people loosing their homes and even their lives. The weather is set to become even colder after Christmas with a feeling i have that we will end up with a lot of snow in the new year so i best get prepared for a painful experience. I have been missing my fishing that much i was tempted to do a bit of winter fishing down at the local lake this weekend but after the last few days i have had and the fact that it isn’t going the get warmer now i think i will pass on that idea and stay home in the warmth. Looks like my next fishing trip wont be until the middle or end of march depending on how bad of a winter we get. I am off on holiday with my mother and step farther towards the end of April so at least i have that to look forwards to and it will even be a chance of a bit of fishing down Cornwall. It has been ages since i actually looked forwards to something and the first time i have had something positive to think about in a long time so it is keeping me focused at the moment.
