Another couple of early morning wake up calls to notch up! God i am getting so tired of these attacks all the time. Again at 3.30 am then at 5 and once again at 6.30.I don’t seem to get any small attacks anymore only massive ones. These are the worst attacks i have experienced. At least last year i would get a few smaller attacks so it wasn’t always screaming agony but just lately all i seem to get is the big ones, even though there are less of them, and the strength of the attacks are so bad that it takes me a whole day just to recover from them. Now i am sure my body is getting used to the medication as they seem to be getting worst in the last 2 weeks, when we decided to freeze the amount of medication due to me having bad depression mood swings (bi-polar playing up). I have made the appointment to see the doctor to ask her to continue the increase and get my medication sorted but its not for another week so i have to put up with these attacks for a little while longer.
I have spent the last week trying to catch up on house work and also sort all my fishing gear out ready for the new year and the start of my tour of the Welsh lakes and rivers. You would think being stuck in all day i would have loads done and my flat should be as sterile as a hospital all the cleaning i “could” be doing but do you think my head will give me a break so i can get on with these things, NO! Constantly i am in pain no matter what i do. I try to do the house work then the back and the neck plays up, i try to take things easy and end up in pain from sitting to long and then i can’t stay still. I can’t win! I take Naproxen pain killers that help with the swelling in the neck but are absolutely useless for anything else. They don’t ease or stop the pain and most of the time make my stomach do summersaults as they seem to have a bad effect on me especially if i haven’t eaten anything. I cant take normal pain killers as they only seem to last for a short while and the last time i started taking pain killers i ended up going down the road of a “drug addict” as i became addicted to the different pain killers especially opiates and codeine. I have now managed to push through that barrier and no longer rely on pain killers or any drug to control the pain, i just have to ride it or use the injections and oxygen to abort the attacks.
I have to be honest as i feel so much better now i no longer run each morning searching for pain relief and my drug fix, wondering where the money will come from to keep me pain free all the time. Constantly wheeling and dealing just to earn some money to be able to purchase my drugs and tablets. I really understand where some of the drug addicts are coming from, when they are constantly searching for the drug in order to self medicate and get the help and relief they so drastically need. I don’t understand the ones that are constantly searching to get high or “chase the buzz” as we say, these kind of drug addicts will never get the help they need as they don’t really want to stop taking the drug as they would prefer to be high than live a normal life. In that respect i am VERY lucky as i could have gone down that road and ended up as bad as them or if not worst, dead! At least i get my highs out of being pain free and normal and also my fishing keeps my occupied and gives me something to look forward to.
It has been ages since i last felt confident or looked forward to something, i am grateful to my mother and step farther for re-affirming my love for fishing and starting my hobby up once again. It has been like a new light in my life and given me some direction and focus. I am actually looking forwards to the different places i may fish in the next few years and the fish i may or may not catch. Even though i have to put up with these attacks all the time i am sure with a little help and the medication being the correct level i will be able to manage the condition. I have a gazebo brolly (a special fishing umbrella with sides) so when out fishing i can crawl in out of the wind and if i have an attack i can hide away in there for an hour and then continue fishing when it has stopped. I have also decided to buy myself a fishing bivi, like a small one or two man tent that is specifically designed so you can stay out of the weather and still watch your fishing rods so i will be able to stay in there if i get attacks and will be able to take my oxygen with me if i need it or decided to have a long fishing session over a weekend.
I have some strong shadows again but hopefully these will pass as it is the after effect of the attacks i have had this morning. The weather, although still cold, has been forecast to be clear with a little sunshine so i am hoping it has a positive effect on my head and i get my pain free days as i so need them right now. My body just feels drained after the last 2 weeks and i am running out of strength fast. Even when i try and lay down to get rest the back and neck starts to play up so i can;t even recharge my batteries that way. I am so tempted to go out and do some winter fishing but i know with the weather the way it is and the time of year i will just be in pain or will end up paying for it the next day with massive attacks so i think i will pass on that for now. Let’s just hope i get a pain free day soon!
