I managed to stay relatively pain free yesterday apart from a few small attacks later in the afternoon. They were due to the fact that i went out in the cold wind and probably wouldn’t have happened if i had stayed indoors. Even though i was pain free i seemed to suffer a normal headache and every time i stood up my head began to throb. This is the same type of headache when you get a hangover, strange considering i don’t drink alcohol. I walked over my mothers in the afternoon and as soon as i left the flat and the wind began to blow straight in my face and in my left eye it started an attack. i quickly retreated back into the flat and waited for the attack to ease off before attempting to walk over again.
It’s strange how little things like the wind and cold sets of these attacks and also when i strain myself or do something that takes a lot of strain on my shoulder or neck. These all set off attack and can’t be avoided as i have tried my hardest. It doesn’t matter how much i wrap up warm or try to shield myself from the elements the cold and wind always seems to get to me and cause me some of the worst of my attacks. I just wish i knew what was going on and how these attacks were being caused, at least that way i could do something about it and avoid what ever it is that causes them.
Being frightened to go out of the flat due to the weather and the fact that i end up getting attacks is starting to take its toll on me again. A couple of years back i couldn’t bare to be in the flat at all, for the same reason, and ended up spending most of my time around friends houses and out on the street just doing nothing, hanging about waiting for the days to pass. This wasn’t good for me at all and i ended up hanging in the wrong type of crowds and with the wrong type of people who were not really friends just acquaintances and ended up in real trouble that in turn made my health worst than it already was. It got so bad i ended up inside a mental hospital for my own protection for a few weeks until i was well enough to return home.
There are some things i wish never to repeat and that is one of them, being stuck inside a mental hospital watching people at in their chairs drooling whilst rocking back and forth mumbling under their breath. not being able to sleep at night due to the screams and moans from the other patients that you could hear from other parts of the complex. Getting told by the psychiatrist that the pain i was getting was all in my head (excuse the pun) and that no one can be in that much pain all in one go, he said “they would be dead if they did get that much pain”. Oh how i would love to shove my diagnosis right up his ***.
I have to admit in the last 10 years this has been going on, i have been through a hell of a lot. Not knowing what it was and thinking it was just me and no one else suffered such a thing for many years. Self medicating and getting addicted to every type of pain killer you can imagine including morphine and heroin and having to seek help to get off the stuff. Putting my body through hell as it went through different types of withdrawals from the different drugs really making me very ill and i lost so much weight, if people saw me, they thought i had shrunk in the wash. Then to finally come through it all and start to see a light at the end of a long and hard tunnel was so uplifting. Meeting the specialist for the first time and talking to him, it was like he was inside my head, he knew every pain i was getting, every attack and how it developed it was as if he was getting the attacks instead of me. Then finally getting the diagnosis and understanding it wasn’t just me and there are others who suffer just as bad if not worst than me. Now finally to be getting some answers as to what is causing it and if there is anything they can do about it or if i have to pout up with it for the rest of my life is becoming overwhelming.
It only started to make me think about it yesterday and i started to become scared of going to the specialist! Do i really want to know? Will it be the end of me or the start of a new life? Am i going to get worst over the years to come? There are still so many questions un-answered its very scary. I know i MUST go to see the specialist no matter how scared or upset i feel as it is so important to get these answers. I don’t want to let my mother down as she has been my rock the last year or so and i don’t know if i would have got through it with out my mother and step father being there for me. As you can tell by what i am typing my emotions are all over the place and out of control at the moment. There are times where i am crying for no reason at all and then times you will hear me laughing out loud. It doesn’t help being bi-polar as my emotions are hard to control at the best of times, but this is no excuse as i have had my bi-polar under control for many years, with the help of medication, so there is no excuse for it.
I was again woken early this morning but thankfully it wasn’t by an attack and just a strong shadow. the feeling of pressure on the left hand side of my head and the swelling on my scar has become larger than normal. this could mean i will get an attack later in the day but hopefully i will be able to avoid setting it off if i am careful. All i can do for now is sit and wait and count the days left as we wait to see the specialist. Its already the last day of January and it seems to have flown by for some reason. I can’t wait for my holiday in April as i so need a break from it all. To be able to go away and shut all my problems away for a week and do something i love to do, fishing! I can’t wait!
