Again i was lucky yesterday with no attacks appearing until late in the day. The attacks seem to have reduced in the number that i get during the day. Not only have they reduced but it seems like they don’t start playing me up until late afternoon or early evening and the bigger attacks seem to be late in the evening and early hours of the morning.
Yesterday i had a meeting with my doctor, luckily it was in the morning so i didn't have an attack when i was there but i did have a depressive bout and a bit of a break down. As we discussed the medication i was on and what was expected in the future it just started to get to me and i couldn’t hold it back no matter what i tried. My depression has been all over the place the last few weeks and i feel like a yoyo with my moods constantly changing up and down. I have never cycled through so many feelings so fast before.
One minuet i am fine and i can do anything. I can fight this illness, do the things i want to do and go about my normal day with out any problems at all and then there are the other times, when i can’t even go out of the flat door, close myself away because i don’t want people seeing me when i have an attack and when i am feeling so ill and helpless. I cant even cope with the little things. Even small thing like spilling your coffee seems to have me on the edge of a break down when i am feeling as low as i do sometimes.
Well, all this was reported to the doctor so she has now decided to freeze my medication for a couple of weeks until either the depression settles and stops yoyo-ing or we hear what to do from my Neurologist. She is worried that one of the main side effects is depression and as i suffer bi-polar anyway it could be making it worst. I understand her feelings but at the moment i thought it was more important to get to grip with these attacks. I thought the medication is actually having an effect and reducing the number of attacks i get so increasing the dosage as planned should eventually have these attacks under control, i hope so anyway. I understand that my depression could be made a lot worst by this medication as well so its hard to choose between the devil or the beast.
Lets hope my moods start to settle a bit after a couple of days. I am sure it is just everything that has happened over the last couple of months that has made my depression worst and aggravated a normally controlled condition and caused it to yoyo the way it is. Anyhow, i am feeling a lot better today and hope that getting it all of my chest is the first step to getting it back under control again and it won’t last long so we can get my medication back on track.
