I am not surprised to be woken up at 3am again with an attack and then again at 4. It seems to be getting a regular occurrence now and i am getting tired of it. It has been a while since i have had a break from the attacks also and my body clock is now all messed up as i seem to be getting up when the attacks starts and then i stay awake all day and try and get an early night. I do sometimes manage to have the early nights sleep and i don’t feel so bad but when i don’t manage to get to sleep early the next day after the attacks i feel like the walking dead.
My face feels slightly funny today as if there is a slight numbness to the cheek. This is the after effects of a big attack i had this morning and my neck and back are also in agony due to this attack. Again i managed to use my injections to stop the worst but the last attack i had seem to just power through the injection and continue until i was in so much pain all i could hear in my ears was ringing and there was no way i could see out of my eyes as they were streaming so badly i could feel the front of my t-shirt becoming wet. The sweat was also pouring off me like someone had switched on my internal tap and left it running. When the injection did eventually take effect it kicked in so hard it took my breath away and made my chest very tight. Again making me feel sick and very very weak. I had to lay there perfectly still for around 10 minuets before i had enough strength to sit up.
I hate the really strong attacks as they are the ones that always scare me and i do sometimes wonder if these attacks will not just end up going too far and i wont recover. Well that is thought for another time as i don’t really want to think about that at the moment. The attack has left my face very sore and i keep getting sharp shooting pains up my back and also at the bottom of my spine where i am sat typing this blog. When i move about i get sharp pains up the front of the legs and they also feel like i have lead weights attached to the bottom of my feet pulling me down all the time. I know its going to take me a few more hours to recover fully and that is if i don’t have any more attacks in between. I am hoping not as i have again used up my injections early and will have to ride out any more attacks that come. I am not looking forwards to that.
Normally around this time in the morning the attacks seem to die away and i will then get shadows for the rest of the day. A feeling of pressure on the left side of the head and a constant sore neck. These shadows always threaten to set of more attacks as if they get too irritated or the neck becomes to painful then another attack will appear. If i am lucky then i will just have a sore neck for a while and no more attacks until late this evening or tomorrow morning when it gets cold. If i do become brave enough to go outside and the weather is just too cold then this will also trigger an attack and is one of the main causes of my worst attacks.
I am so tired of living in fear of being in pain all the time. Wondering if each time i get an attack is it going to be worst than the last. Wondering every time i step through my front door is it going to set off another one. Not being able to jump on a bus and go into town is really getting me down as i have had so many attacks when i have used buses i have lost count. Wanting to go and look around the shops and be able to socialise with out fear of getting pain or being in complete and total agony you are coiled on the ground holding your head feeling embarrassed at the same time as feeling scared and not being able to do anything about it. being away from your home, your sanctuary, the only place you feel safe when this happens and the only place you can let its run its course. I don’t mind getting attacks when i am out fishing for some strange reason but i think mainly due to that fact that i can hide away in a tent style shelter so no one can see me having the attack is probably the main reason.
Well i am just hoping its not as miserable and as wet as it has been for the last few days and not as cold. At least the weather wont set of my head that way. If the weather continues to warm up slightly and we get a break then i will get a days fishing in but i can’t see that happening for a while yet. At least it won’t be long before the winter is over again and i will be back out on the banks. At least it gets me out of the flat doing something that i love to do.
