Well for the first time in 2 1/2 weeks i actually got a few hours sleep last night! God i feel so much better, not falling asleep on my feet. I am still feeling low and depressed. Mind you it doesn’t help that i suffer depression as a norm.
Apparently i have suffered Bi-polar depression all my life and have been told that i was diagnosed when i was very young after my mother found me hanging by my neck in my wardrobe at the age of 9. (the things we choose to block our are amazing). The depression has never really been an issue until i returned to the UK from Cyprus. I suppose due to the hot weather you don't get as many low days as you do over here.
It seems that my condition (CH) has made my depression 100 times worst and find i have to battle daily with the low feelings of being helpless and alone.
I try my hardest to keep a positive outlook on life but as you can imagine it is very hard to stay that way. Every now and again i get days where every thing seems so hopeless and endless. It is like there is nothing i can do apart from accept my condition and put up with the daily pain.
yet i do get days where i can see that they are helping me but still feel like more could be done. I think that the waiting around for hospital appointments doesn't help when each time you rush up to accident and emergency with so much pain and then they tell you to go home as there is nothing they can do as it is either migraines or a trapped nerve. (God that gets my back up, especially now the specialist has diagnosed me!)
And then there is the loneliness of being stuck in all the time. I know this is something that only i can resolve as it is my own worrying and fear that i shut myself away all the time. It is so hard to go anywhere when you are expecting a big pain attack at the time, and because they last for so long its embarrassing when you are sat in the middle of town screaming your head off in pain, then people approach you to help, but all you want to do is be left alone and to be somewhere safe that no one can see you crying in agony.
You automatically push people away so that they don't see you in this condition, you make excuses when invited places so you don't have to travel anywhere and then you don't have to worry about the attacks you just let them happen.
If it wasn't for the computer and mobile phones i wouldn't even be able to stay in touch with family that are close to me and help out when times are low.
Its amazing how much you can rattle on when you are feeling low like this so i will take a break today. For anyone actually reading any of this nonsense i wont be updating so much when i get my low days so please bare with me. I will try my hardest, if i can make just one person realise that there is this condition and that there are many suffering people out there who cant get their voices herd, then all this is worth it!
Trying to keep my chin up, will talk again soon..
