The clusters are back as they normally are this time if year and having to deal with such pain when you are feeling low is just crazy. People only ever see the happy side of me, a guy who helps others and always seems posative yet deep inside I am screaming out in pain. I have always tried to put on a brave face and take each day as it comes but lately I am feeling lost. I feel alone and with no hope.
As I write this I have tears pouring down my cheeks as I struggle to understand the feelings I am getting and the difficulty in thinking straight is becoming worst. I pray these feeling will pass but I seem to have lost all hope.
It's not helping that the damaged nerve in my left neck and back is causing me so many problems I can barely walk to the shops with out being in agonising pain. I try not to show it but it gets harder each day. I am slowly loosing my mobility and it scares me.
I have always been a person to put others first and always try and help s friend in need. I think this is what has triggered a bad feeling as I helped out close friends struggling during the lockdown, some even loosing thier jobs and having to jump on benefits others even loosing thier benefits due to the changeover to universal credit Nd have to go penny less for 5 to 6 weeks. I'm not one to see someone go with out despite not having much myself. I helped these people but do you think they paid back what they borrowed? No, they forget or pretend to or avoid bringing up the subject. When I then ask for it I am made to feel as though I was in the wrong for helping them and now I'm in the same situation they don't care.
It has made me feel so low I just don't know what to do.
What makes it worst is I am not one for beggin or borrowing so now they have put me in this situation I have no way out all I can do is ride it. I don't like asking for help myself, maybe that's why I try and help others so much. Well I think its about time this stops as I can't physically take any more. My head is on the virge of snapping.
Well if sufferig from depression and pain from damaged nerves wasn't enough, along side cluster attacks, my Hiatus hernia and heart has decided to join in too. Not sure if it's just stress causing it or if I'm going to have a problem but my blood pressure is through the roof, I can tell as everytime I lean forwards or bend over my head starts feeling like it's about to explode as if pressure building up not to mention the chest pains.
Well one thing is for sure, this virus and lockdown is starting to show people's true colours. Selfish people who would rather party and do what they like putting sick and elderly at risk and all they do is complain when all they have been asked to do is help not spread the virus by staying at home or keeping socially distanced, It has opened my eyes over the last year or so. I pray to God that all this gets sorted soon and we start getting some normality back. Not to mention being able to go fishing again as that alone is doing my nut in. I really don't know how much more of this crap I can take!!!!
