Let the Beast sleep, I’m off fishing …..Hooray!!

Luckily i haven’t been woken by the Beast this morning but my bowls are playing up something rotten. My back is in agony and the muscles in my back are in constant pain and are all tense. The amount of wind i have is crazy and painful when it keeps getting trapped. I am hoping a day out in the fresh air will do me the world of good. We have decided to go fishing again so i have been awake since 4 am. I still get excited before a fishing trip even after all these years of fishing. It’s something i look forwards to and when i am actually fishing i seem to relax. Fishing is the only sport and exercise i know of that actually stops my attacks from developing and helps me to concentrate and think through problems to find solutions. It is the only time i can honestly say i am completely relaxed and happy.

Its mad how such a small thing like fishing can effect someone so much it actually helps them on a mental level as well as physical. Being the only sport i love that i can actually participate in. I also love rugby but with my head and back i don’t think it would be a good idea playing that sport. I am just hoping that my back behaves itself today so i can really enjoy my fishing trip. The last time we fished the pond we are going to fish today we were non stop catching fish and it was a very busy and physical day so fingers crossed we have another day like that. Even though i am sat in a chair catching fish it still helps to exercise my joints and muscles and will hopefully help with the nerve and maybe even help un-trap what ever nerve is trapped in my shoulder that keeps making my left arm go dead.

The head has been behaving itself for the last 2 days with only a small attack late yesterday afternoon. I am sure it was the problem with the trapped nerve in the shoulder that caused the attack to come as i could feel the nerve in the neck being aggravated and swelling every now and again. The amount of pain you get from a nerve is unreal and when they decide to play up you know about it. Anyone passing my flat last night must have thought someone was being killed the amount of screaming i did from a small head attack all because the nerve was swollen over the head and the amount of pain that gave off was unlike anything i can describe. Fingers crossed it doesn’t play up today and i catch some nice big fish.

“The Beast & The Back”, what a combination..

I haven’t been updating my blog for the last few days as i have been feeling extremely unwell and very weak. Together with the attacks from the beast i have been going through hell. My stomach is constantly bloated due to internal wind traveling around the organs and causing me sharp pain when it gets trapped. I have sharp pain shooting up and down the spine and the muscles in the back are constantly tense due to aches and pains within the muscles making them feel weak. When i try to go to the toilet the back muscles no longer want to work correctly making it a nightmare to even push out trapped wind.

When i walk i still get aches and pains in the muscles and i get the feeling like i am about to pass out but manage to struggle past it and find myself out of breath and energy. I still have a nerve trapped in the left shoulder causing it to go numb all the time and also cause me to have small panic attacks. My sides feel tender and every now and again i will get a sharp stabbing pain as wind moves and finds itself trapped in another position. The bowls seem to be playing up to the back pain and the more back pain i get the more wind i get making it very uncomfortable in any position. When i try and do simple jobs like washing the dishes or sweeping the floor my energy drains really quick and i find myself having to sit down and let myself recover for 10 minuets before completing the task waiting for the numbness to stop and the feeling to come back in your hands.

I have been to the doctor and she is dumb founded! She has ordered some blood tests to check for problems in my joints and cholesterol and even gout tests. It could all be down to one nerve being trapped or it could be something else but all i know is it’s getting worst as time goes on and i no longer know what to do. They have just cancelled my appointment with the specialist whom i need to see urgently as i just cant go on like this for much longer. I am hoping to go fishing tomorrow to help take my mind of the problems i have and the stress and maybe it will help me to focus and get some fresh air. All i know is it will take all my energy and strength to go fishing in the morning but nothing is going to stop me as i am really looking forwards to it and looking forwards to getting out in the fresh air while we still have the weather to do so. Winter is just around the corner and i know how bad my head gets when the cold weather comes. Something else i am dreading.

Another wake up call from the Beast……

Another wake up call from the Beast at 3 am this morning resulting in me having to fight an attack for over an hour despite taking my injection to try and abort it. I hate it when you get the really strong attacks that always over power the injection as it always seems to leave me with a very sore neck and pressure on the left side of the head. If i irritate the head just a little it will then set of yet another attack so i have to try and keep calm and relax as much as i can. The feeling of having a golf ball stuck in the joint of your neck where the pain seems to be going to is so annoying. When the pain shoots over the top of the head from behind the eye it seems to make the golf ball feeling stronger and when you try and move your head it grinds and aches with each slight movement.

One thing i have found strange is ever since i have developed IBS each time i get an attack it causes the IBS to become bad and wind builds up in my body. This also includes hard wind inside the body not just the bowls and this wind tends to move around hitting the internal organs making it very painful and uncomfortable. No matter what i try i just can’t seem to shift this wind. Taking medication for the IBS helps to relieve the wind that is trapped in the bowls and helps to calm the stomach but i still have to contend with the hard wind traveling around my internal organs. I don’t mind being woken up so early this morning as i am going fishing today with my mother and step father at out local fishery. We have been planning this trip all week and i am really looking forwards to it despite having bowl problems and attacks building every hour. When i am fishing the attacks always seem to stay away for some reason. Maybe it is because i relax and stay calm when fishing or it could be that i concentrate so much on the fishing that i just don’t think about the attacks at all.

I know i have a nerve trapped somewhere in my shoulder as the last few days my left arm keeps on going dead or becomes extremely week even when i am typing up this blog my arm is aching and i have to rest it every 4 minuets or so. I have tried everything i can to release the nerve and stop this from happening but nothing seems to help. I have been rubbing in pain killer cream into my shoulder for the last week at least twice per day but this hasn’t helped one bit. I am hoping it will just release itself after time and the dead arm will go away but it doesn’t look like its going to happen any time soon. If it continues much longer i am going to have to seek professional help and see if i can get the shoulder manipulated so that the nerve can come free and stop causing me all this trouble. Each time the arm goes dead i tend to panic and with me suffering from mild bi-polar disorder the panic always tends to develop into full on panic attacks.

I am sure it is also setting of my attacks as it keeps on irritating my shoulder and neck and this seems to irritate the head and cause the attacks to appear. I am hoping i am wrong and the 2 have nothing to do with each other but something is telling me otherwise. At least i am booked in to see my doctor next week as i don’t know how much more i can put up with. I am fed up with being in pain all the time and being woken up in the early hours all the time. It always drains my energy and i always end up feeling like a zombie. lets hope a day out fishing will help to relax me and re-charge the batteries.

Attacked by the Beast and Feeling Low …….

At first your eyes open and you are just laid there staring up at the ceiling wondering what is going on, you realise you are wide awake and don’t feel tired at all. Then suddenly it dawns on you and you sit up in bed only to be welcomed by the beast in the early hours of the morning. The pain shoots out from behind your left eye over the top of the head and into the base of the skull where it joins the neck. You get a feeling like there is a ball stuck in your neck at the point it joins the skull and no matter what you do you can’t seem to remove the feeling. The pains grows in strength and your eye begins to close and water starts to stream out from behind the eye ball. By this point you are in so much agony you are praying to god for it to stop. You jump out of bed and reach for your injection knowing it is one of only two you can take to abort the attack. You start to question yourself, do you waste it ion this attack? will you be able to ride it out? or will the pain ease after a short while?

As time goes by you can feel the attack getting stronger and stronger, you run into your living room and sit there with your oxygen mask over your face and the valve opened up fully. You are still praying for the pain to go and at this point you are starting to welcome death. Just to be in peace and not have this pain all the time you wonder will this be the one? Will this be the attack to end all attacks. You feel like you are about to have a heart attack or a stroke and the panic starts to set in so you decide to give in and take your injection. What seems like a life time, is actually only a few seconds waiting and the injection begins to kick in. Your breathing becomes shallow and your chest becomes tight. You believe you are going to have a heart attack but before anything starts to happen the pain just suddenly stops as the injection takes over and you are left feeling short of breath and energy and a slight feeling of sickness.

I have lost count the amount of times i have had to start the day like this. I hate the early morning wake up calls from the beast as i can never get back to sleep afterwards and always end up feeling like the walking dead for the rest of the day. I can see why it has started over the last couple of days as the weather is turning once again and storms are on their way. It has been raining all night and is forecast to continue for the rest of the day so i think it is down to the weather that the attacks have been set of once again. I always think to myself that it is silly to think that the weather can cause such a problem but i have seen some crazy things so far in my life all down to the weather. I have seen bad depression triggered by the winter knows as S.A.D. I have also seen people who suffer migraines all caused from the weather and the low pressure fronts that move over us. I believe that’s how it effects me as i get some crazy swelling on the head when the attacks are bad and the swelling travels from the front of the skull all the way to the back where the pain enters the neck.

Well i am praying and hoping for better weather tomorrow as i was planning to join my mother and step-father fishing at out local lake. Even though my back is still playing up something terrible i will still go as i want to get out of the flat for the day and get some fresh air doing something i enjoy and i can;t think of a better way than fishing with your friends and family. My bowls have also decided to play up today and i have to say they are very bad as it is making sitting here at the desk very uncomfortable and painful. I am not sure what has set them off as i have only taken my medication and had a cup of coffee so the only thing i can think it could be is the milk. Maybe i am starting to become irritated by full cream milk and maybe i should go for the more healthier option in the future, Maybe that will stop the bowls playing up first thing in the morning. Ever since i took the Verapamil and had the reaction to the medication, that i thought was about to kill me, i have suffered with IBS and for some reason it just wont go. You would have thought once i stopped taking the medication that caused the problem your body would return back to normal but for some reason it has left me with IBS and now i suffer on a daily basis on top of everything else that is happening to me.

Its crazy as not only do i suffer from CH (Cluster Headaches) and Mild Bi-Polar Disorder i also now suffer from IBS (Irritable Bowl Syndrome) & Arthritis of the Back or something similar. I can’t say for sure what is going on with the back and my walking until i have seen the specialist and got a proper diagnosis from them. To top it all off with the bowls causing hard wind travelling and trapping in and around the organs causing me sharp pain all the time. So you can imagine, i am getting pain when i walk, pain when i sit, pain when i move a little and the wind moves and pain when the attacks come, and the specialists wonder why i am so down all the time and depressed. Then just lately i have been also suffering from some very strong panic attacks just to put the icing on the cake so to speak. I normally get panic attacks from being bi-polar but these are mild and after suffering the condition since i was 9 or 10 i have learnt to deal with them and normally ride them out with out a problem but these new attacks are very strong and hard to deal with. Even though you know deep down that it’s only a panic attack it is still scary and with every thing else that is going on you tend to think you are about to die or have a stroke making it  a lot harder to deal with and stay calm. i have tried all sorts of relaxation and breathing techniques but nothing seems to work or help. Lets just hope things start to improve a little once i have seen my doctor next week and try and get her to chase up the referral for my back and walking. At least if i can get an answer as to what is going on i won’t worry so much and the panic will be a lot less and easier to deal with.

The Beast has decided to join the party!….

Well there was me hoping that with all the back pain i was getting at the moment the beast would at least stay away and give me a longer break from the attacks but unfortunately the beast decided to join the party and woke me at 3am this morning with an attack from hell. Again another strong attack so strong i am sure i lost consciousness at one point. Another attack where the injection just seemed to help for about 10 minuets and then the attacks continued to grow in strength. I have had some strong attacks before but this was one of those you can class as the worst. It took me almost an hour before i could honestly move about again. I was so drained of my strength i just lay there on the floor staring up into space with ringing in both ears. It was as though i had been nocked out by a boxer and was just laid there on the canvas waiting for the referee to suddenly stop the fight.

When i did finally start moving again i was immediately welcomed by sharp pains in the back and neck and again a feeling of pressure on the left side of the head. the shadow seems very strong today so maybe we are about to have a storm or rain and there is another low pressure front coming over my area at the moment and that's why it is so bad. There are so many different triggers for my condition  it is almost impossible to guess what may have set it off this time and why they are so strong. It could actually be the pain in the back that has aggravated the nerve and caused an attack to build. I am just hoping that there won’t be any more attacks today or at least if i do they will be smaller ones and easier to handle but something tells me i am in for a rough day again. I have this feeling i will have a few more of these attacks before the day is over.

I have decided that on Friday i am off fishing at one of the local fisheries just to have a bit of fun and get out of the house again and get some fresh air in my lungs. Maybe this will help to make me feel a bit better and calm some of the stress and worry i have been getting this week. I think my mother and Brian my step-father will be coming with me for the day out so it should be great fun. My friend John has also decided he could do with a break and is going to come with me. He has been a real god send just lately as when i do decide to go fishing he volunteers to carry the heavier equipment saving my back from further agony and pain. I can’t thank him enough when he does this as it saves me from so much pain people just don’t understand. When you try an explain the level of pain they always seem to have the same answer, “Yes we understand the pain you are in as we get migraines” or “have had a bad back before” and then when you try and explain that its like amputation with out anaesthetic they always look shocked at first and then a look of disbelief comes over them as if to say “no one can be in THAT much pain”.

I decided to chase up my appointment with my specialist the other day as i was due to see hi in April but i still haven’t had the appointment. I managed to leave a message with his secretary to try and see what is going on as i am having such a bad time of things. Eventually she managed to ring me back the other day and said they were very sorry and they could see i was over due the appointment but where he has been so busy with other things he is running extremely late with all of his appointments and they will be able to see me in October the 21st. I was gobs smacked when she said the date and asked if there was any way they could see me sooner as i am having serious trouble and even explained about the Verapamil giving me an allergic reaction and almost killing me. She said they would keep me on the cancellation list and if they have a cancelation they will ring me in the morning to go in to hospital in the afternoon. This means i now have to watch for the phone call as it could come at any time making it difficult for me to go out. So i contacted Virgin media and asked them to put the answer machine on my phone just in case she calls when i am out.

I think i should also make an appointment with my normal doctor and when i ring the surgery insist that i see her and no one else so i can try and get this problem with my back and walking sorted. She can at least chase up my referral that was made at the start of the year. I did receive a letter saying i was on the waiting list and then nothing for well over 4 months now. I know they are busy but all this waiting is really stupid as people end up getting worst by the time they are seen and instead of maybe they can sort the problem out if they catch it early enough they end up leaving the person suffer for ages and then when seen its too late to do anything and they will just have to learn to live with the condition. It took well over 10 years for them to discover my condition and then about 2 years to diagnose it. This was mainly my fault as i just wouldn’t give in to the attacks and ended up self medicating for many years and ended up in big trouble and had to have the doctors detox me before i could get any treatment

There are so many people stuck on waiting lists getting worst and worst until they are seen and they say the health service in this country is the best in the world as it is free. If i could afford it believe me i would be going private and going to the best doctors in London to try and put a stop to these attacks but i can’t afford the prices they put on treatment today. Many other countries pay for medical insurance and you have to pay a monthly fee to get the treatment you want. I wouldn’t mind that, having to pay a monthly charge to get treatment, as long as the treatment was second to none and you were seen straight away with no messing about. Oh! how we wish things could be so different! All i can do is try and chase things up and sit and wait for my appointments and in the meantime battle the beast on a regular basis and try and enjoy the pain free days when i do get them.

The Beast is Asleep but the pain goes on and on

Thankfully i have managed to have a couple of days pain free with regards to my head and the attacks. unfortunately my back hasn’t been as good. I am still getting a lot of pain around the back on both sides and it spreads into my bum cheeks all the time. When i walk the calf muscles in my legs ache and on the front it feels like the skin has been stretched tight. The upper muscles of my legs hurt and at the back it goes into the bum all the time. Normally this only happens a couple of times a month but for the last 3 weeks it has been constant and every day i have had to deal with the difficulty in walking and moving about. i am not sure why it has become so bad and can only assume it is down to the damaged nerve that keeps giving me the attacks. I have never had this before the attacks started so can only assume that's where it has come from.

It was a bit of a nightmare shopping at Tesco’s over the weekend as i was having so much difficulty with my movement. Every step i took just brought me more pain and agony and my left arm and shoulder also kept going dead from the nerve getting trapped or playing up. Every time my arm went dead i ended up getting a panic attack. i don’t know why as i know what was happening to me but for some reason panic would set in and it would take me ages to calm down. So far there has been about 4 days where i have had bad panic attacks over the last week all due to my arm going dead. I even went to the doctor and reported what was going on but i couldn’t get to see my normal doctor and had to see the locum. This just resulted in her telling me to rub this cream i have for pain in my back into my shoulder 3 times a day and the dead arm would eventually stop. She said she thought i have trapped or pulled something during my sleep and that's why it was playing up so badly. She totally ignored the fact of my back being in pain and my walking being so bad. So i ended up asking for stuff to help with my IBS and bowls and just left the surgery. I will have to try and get a proper appointment with my normal doctor to chase up the referrals for my back as i can’t go on like this. I do get a few days where i am ok and i can move about pain free but they have become far and few between.

I am hoping to go fishing again at the end of the week as i am just fed up with being stuck indoors all the time. If it’s not my head playing up or the fear of an attack happening in public keeping me from going out its the pain in the back and the painful movement that causes me to be stuck in all the time. I try my hardest to do normal things every day and make sure i exercise or at least go for a short walk to get some fresh air but its been getting harder every time. I just can’t seem to walk any distance any more before pain starts to build and i end up in trouble or having to jump on a bus because i can’t walk back. Then when i get on the bus i start to have panic attacks as the bus vibration aggravates my head and neck and the fear of having an attack whilst trapped on a full bus just starts to get me worried. It just seems no matter how hard i try i just end up having to stay indoors all the time.

I know i am going through these things because of my illness but i just can’t seem to get my head around how quickly i seem to be deteriorating. At the age of 40 i now feel as if i am 80 and my back is in constant pain. If i eat well and put on weight it just makes things worst so i end up missing meals and making myself ill. The stress of everything seems to be getting me down just lately and even the depression has been difficult to cope with. I seem to be going through quick mood changes as one minuet i am up and looking forwards to the future and then the next i am down and so low i just don’t want to go on anymore. The fight seems to be draining from me and i seem to have a lot less energy each day. Having attacks in the early hours all the time and the fear of sleeping as u know you will wake to yet another attack leaves you lacking of sleep and rest. The body feels so tired all the time i just don’t know what to do any more. I try to think to myself that i can get through this and eventually control the beast but as each week passes and i feel like i am slowly getting worst it becomes harder and harder to stay focust and positive. God i need help!

Hoping for a “pain free” day fishing at local lake.

I didn’t get anymore attacks yesterday and managed to get through the evening with out the Beast showing its face again. This morning i have woken early at 5 am not from the best and not due to shadows or pressure its because i am going fishing today with John my best mate. We decided yesterday instead of just having a couple of hours in the evening we would make a day of it instead and at 7 am we will be off down our local lake. I don’t know why but when ever i go fishing i don;t seem to get any attacks or even signs of the attacks building in the back ground. Even if my back is painful and i can’t move around too much there is something about the sport of fishing that seems to keep me calm and relaxes me. It actually relaxes me enough to stop the attacks from coming. I am hoping this will be the case today as i can already feel some shadows when i woke up this morning but they are not very strong and i doubt an attack will come of it.

There are some showers forecast for today and a low pressure system over Cardiff so i have to watch out as normally this will set off my attacks like there is no tomorrow and i end up getting anything up to 15 attacks in one day. I can then go 3 or 4 days with no attacks after a bad spell or it could end u a couple of days of attacks. my condition is so erratic at the moment it is hard to tell what , when and if the attacks come and how long they will last.

Well fingers crossed for a great days fishing at out local lake and for the chance of catching a monster carp. Lets hope the beast stays in hibernation for a while i and i can enjoy my day staying relatively pain free. i don’t mind the back playing up now and again as its only natural if i am going to be moving about and carrying fishing gear. I will take a couple of pain killers with me just in case it does start to become unbearable and very painful. The one good thing is that John will be coming with me so if there are any problems he is there to help. I have to say he has been a life line just lately and has helped me out no end of time. I should do something nice for the guy just to say thanks, i will see what i can find and then surprise him.

The Beast attacked again this morning….

I did manage to get through yesterday with out any attacks or sign of the beast. Not even shadows or swelling on my head came yesterday so i managed to get 2 days pain free and break from the attacks. Unfortunately this morning i was again woken by the beast at 5am wit another massive attack. I did well to get two days break with all this horrible weather over us at the moment. For the last couple of days all it has done is rain and of course the low pressure system that brings the rain is what seems to cause me problems with the head. If someone was to tell me the rain and cold weather systems would cause me massive attacks i would tell them they are insane. If i wasn’t experiencing it for my self and it was happening to someone else i would say to them that they are loosing their mind as the weather just can’t effect you like that, but it does.

Again this mornings attack had left me feeling really ill. My back is killing me and i have pains running up and down the spine. My neck feels like there is a ball stuck inside the joint again and my head is very tender. I have taken my medication but that doesn’t seem to do anything when the attacks come it is only the injection that can abort the attacks but i don’t want to waste what few injections i have left. I do use the oxygen when things do get really bad and if i have very strong shadows. It helps to half the time an attack will last for and helps to take the edge of the very bad ones but has of yet to actually abort an attack.

It doesn’t look like i am going fishing today as the rain looks like it is set in for the entire day. If it does clear up i may pop down the lake for a couple of hours this evening but if not it will just have to wait until the weekend. I do want to go fishing so i get out and get some fresh air as i am so fed up with being stuck in doors all the time shutting myself away due to fear of having an attack in public. Also shutting myself away as i am frightened of the attacks and what they could lead to. When having an attack you feel like you are about to die or have a stroke at least. It’s also horrible when people see you having an attack who don’t understand what is going on and keep on asking if you are OK and ring the ambulance when you don’t need one. No matter how many times you tell them you suffer from a condition and control it with injections all they see is you face drooped on the one side and your eye puffed and swollen and they are convinced you are having a stroke.

The Beast is Asleep, let’s hope it stays that way!

I managed all day yesterday to go pain free and no sign of the beast. Same as the day before apart from the early morning wake up call i managed to stay attacks free during the day.i am hoping i get the same today and the beast stays asleep but that's hoping for too much i think. I can already feel the shadows and they are slowly becoming stronger and stronger. I was woken up by the shadows alone this morning and that’s not good as i know i tend to end up getting big attacks sometime during the day. It could be just the weather front over us at the moment bringing all this rain and colder weather with it. That would explain why the pressure i feel on the top of my head keeps coming and going. I get the feeling that an attack is about to build and then suddenly it disappears so i am hoping its the medication i am on that is causing that to happen. I have been on Pregabilin for some time now and i should be getting some sort of help from the medication by now. I know the attacks have halved in the amount i get but that could just be down to t6he seasons changing in temperature and as soon as winter is hear i will be in trouble again with up to 10 attacks per day.

The trouble with all this cold wet weather is it makes my back ache and hurt like nothing i have ever experienced. Every time i walk i get sharp pains either side of my spine in the lower back that spreads into my bum cheeks and i also get shooting pains up the spine to the base of the neck. When the wet weather comes it makes it a lot worst than it already is so i think its going to be another lazy day stuck indoors. It drives me almost insane having to put up with all these different aches and pains. If its not my head its my neck and if its not the neck its the back and if its not just the beck then its all of them together causing me to feel like i am falling apart at the seems. All i can do for now is try not to move around too much and rest the back as much as i can. Sitting at the desk typing on the computer can also cause the back to play up something rotten so as soon as i have updated all my web sites i think its going to be a day stuck in front of the TV.

I have just checked the weather forecast for the weekend and its not looking good. It looks like its going to rain every day until Monday. I was hoping that it would give us a little break on one of the days from Fridays onwards so i could get a couple of hours fishing in. It says that Friday will have showers in the morning and clear in the afternoon and evening so i could pop down the local lake then and the same for Saturday but we will just have to wait to see what its going to turn out like. It’s funny how fishing is the only activity i am able to do with out it causing me attacks. Why this is the case i just don’t know but am grateful i can still do something that i love so much. I am worried that things will become worst with my back making it very difficult for me to go fishing but i have seen people in wheel chairs, including my mother, who seem very happy when they are fishing and don't get many problems. So even if i do loose my mobility i will still be able to keep up the sport i love so much.

My web sites have started to become very popular over the last couple of weeks and are now over the 9000 visitors mark. It has also been reviewed in one of the big Carp fishing magazines witch is brilliant but i don’t know witch one it was yet. My mate is going to grab me a copy of the magazine so i have it for my collection and i can see what they wrote about my site. This has given me a new outlook on the future and hope that it is a step in the right direction especially when it comes to  my health. I have to be grateful that my bi-polar hasn’t been playing up as bad as it used to and i don’t feel so depressed all the time and as long as i stay positive i should be able to tackle what ever life wants to throw at me but it is very hard sometimes. My mothers health was bad and looked like it was going to get worst at one point but thankfully she has pulled through and is on the mend. She is such a strong person i really look up to her as there is no way i could go through what she has gone through and still be positive. It is thanks to her i have managed to get as far as i have today. It was her idea to start a blog and get my feelings out instead of bottling it up all the time and thanks to her i fell in love with fishing all over again after taking a 10 to 12 year break.

Well i am hoping this weather will become a little bit better and give me a chance to get back out on the lake to see if i can catch a nice fish to go in my online scrap book. We have lots of different places we would like to visit over the course of the next few months and with the fishing club we intend on visiting loads of different venues over the next 5 years. The club is slowly growing and the group is becoming bigger each day. We currently have 6 main members of the team that will be fishing the different venues with loads of other people in cue to join in with the fun and join our team and come on the different trips and adventures we have planned. I am really happy with the fishing web site and over the moon it is turning out to be so popular. Lets hope this continues over the next couple of years.

Dead Arm, Bad Back, Painful Neck and the Beast…. come on give me a break!

Yet again another wake up call from the beast this morning at 3 am. I am quite surprised as i haven’t had any attacks all day yesterday and no signs of any shadows. Apart from my bowls playing up something rotten and the strange feeling of my left arm going dead and pins and needles i feel fine. So to be woken in the early hours by a rouge attack is quite strange. Normally i am only woken when i am having a bad day or even week. I did manage to go back to sleep at 5 until 7 so its not as bad as it usually is. Let’s hope its the start of a rest period where i won’t get any attacks for a while. The longest rest period i have had to date since last year is 6 days. i haven’t quite reached a full weeks rest yet.

I made my appointment with the doctor at 20 to 5 yesterday evening to see what was going on with me. The doctor seemed to think that the arm going dead all the time is due the the nerve being trapped or the muscle damages dome how and aggravating the nerves in the arm. She said it could be that i have hurt my muscle during my sleep as i have very restless nights with my head the way it is always tossing and turning until i drift of and that could have been enough to damage the nerve. I have to admit she could have a point as i have been feeling some strange pulling sensations in my neck going into the shoulder over the last couple of days and that could explain what is going on. With regards to the panic attacks she said its only normal that i have had panic attacks especially when my arm is going dead for no reason. She would panic if her arm was going dead all the time and the strength just disappearing. especially if she had my illness and had to deal with the attacks i get every day. i was very shocked at her comments as she seemed to understand what i was going through. The doctor was a locum and  she seemed very nice. She said she suffered with bad migraines so that could explain her understanding. She said all i can do for the panic attacks is to try and stay calm and ride them out when they happen. As i am used to getting milder panic attacks due to my bi=polar she didn’t see the need of extra medication on top of everything else i am taking.

It also doesn’t help to be taking extra medication when suffering from constipation either. Due to the stress and me worrying about what is going on it has set of the IBS and made it very uncomfortable for me at the moment. I am constantly feeling bloated and have wind travelling all over my body causing pain and agony when it hits an internal organ. The doctor has again given me Lactulose solution to help get things moving again and also some Buscopan tablets to help calm down the bowls and help deal with the extra wind. The last time i was this bad was due to the Verapamil and me being either allergic to it or another medication conflicting with it causing me IBS.

I have to admit i have had a couple of very stressful weeks witch would explain for all the problems i have been getting with my bowls and why the IBS is so bad and i am not surprised i am getting panic attacks when my arm goes dead. the first ting that came to my mind was i was about to have a stroke due to my attacks or even worst a full blown heart attack. It human nature to think the worst all the time so i have to try and keep calm and knowing what is causing these problems is half the battle. i am just hoping the panic attacks stay away for a while and let me get on with things. Again i have been shut away for weeks in the flat only going out once for fishing on Saturday and once for Sunday dinner at my mothers. i really have to start getting out in the fresh air a bit more than i am as it will help me with my depression and stop me feeling so down and alone all the time. I think that's why the panic attacks have been so strong as i am on my own all the time and fear the worst, if something happens to me there is no one here to help.

I do have a little bit of the shadow this morning so i am not completely out of the woods yet and could easily have another attack yet. Normally after an attack i get strong shadows so for them to be slight is a good sign at least. One of the things i hate the most is the ringing in the ears. Ever since these attacks began i have been getting a loud ringing sound in my ears and when the attacks is gone and i feel normal the sound goes quiet but i can still make it out. It is there 24 hours a day 7 days a week and i don’t remember a day where i didn’t have the ringing. I used to put it down to loud music as i used to DJ in a night club in Ayia Napa in Cyprus for a few years and the loud music could have had an effect on my hearing but i don’t think it’s that. Ever since these attack began just over 13 years ago i have had this sound and when i have a bad attack it gets so loud it can drown out the outside world and you can’t even hear people who are speaking at you directly and end up trying to read their lips. I was lucky as when i was very young, living in St. Neots just outside Cambridgeshire, i used to have a friend who was completely deaf. He taught me to communicate with him by sign language and used to try and teach me to read lips. I wasn’t very good at the lip reading but seemed to pick up the sign language very quickly and for years we used to hang around together every day and go fishing together on the river Ouse. You don’t think at the time you could be using these skills for yourself in years to come but i am so glad i had his friendship and remembered the tricks he taught me. I wonder what happened to him? maybe one day i should look him up and maybe even go pay him a visit.

Well at least i know i am not having strokes or heart attacks and am thankful for the help the locum doctor gave me yesterday. At least it has put my mind at rest as to why it is happening and why the arm keeps on going dead with pins and needles all the time. The only thing i don’t understand is why the lack of strength all of a sudden. I can only assume it is because of what ever has happened to the muscle in the arm to have caused all the problems in the first place. Fingers crossed i don’t get any more visits from the beast today and hope the weather improves soon as i think all this rain and low pressure above us at the moment is sure to bring the beast out of hiding again.

Talk about being scared half to death…..

Another wake up call from the beast but this time it was only a small attack and i was able to go straight back to sleep after it had calmed down. I then managed to sleep in until 8am this morning when my alarm woke me up as i had to get up to ring the doctors to make an emergency appointment.

The reason for the emergency is due to the other day. The day before we went fishing, Friday, it was in the evening when suddenly after having an attack and aborting it using one of my injections i was laying calm on my sofa watching a bit of television when suddenly i jumped up out of breath and all panicky. I felt like i was unable to breath and my left arm had gone dead with very strong pins and needles and a feeling as if my shoulder was in a clamp. The chest began to hurt and i had a very strange feeling come over me. I sat in my chair placed the oxygen mask on my face and just sat there stunned at what was happening to me. For several seconds it was if time had stood still and i thought to myself this was it i was about to have a heart attack and it was going to be game over. I suddenly snapped out of this trance like state and began to panic again.

If it was a panic attack it was the scariest i have ever had and it took me ages for me to calm down and i had to get one of my friends to come down and sit with me for an hour in my flat just in case. My mate David was a star, he flew down from his flat and stayed with me until i felt calm enough to go to bed. The next day we were fishing so i didn’t really worry about what had happened and just put it down to another panic attack. When i got home from fishing i was again watching the TV in the evening after cleaning all my fishing tackle and whilst sat there calm again my left arm suddenly went dead and i had strong pins and needles through it. I kept shaking my arm to try and bring it back to life but it just didn’t want to and my chest again became tight my breathing again became shallow and hard to get any air and my shoulder again had a feeling of pressure as if someone had gripped it tightly. Again it took a while for me to start to feel normal but this time i didn’t panic as much and just waited until i felt tired enough to sleep and went to bed.

When i woke up in the morning on Sunday i again started to feel funny and my arm again became dead and pins and needles came just as strong as the night before but it didn’t last for long this time. the thing that was worrying me the most was the fact that i couldn’t lift my arm above my head and the strength i had was gone in a second. Then when the arm returned to normal my strength then started to return but by that time i was again worried and scared of what it could be. I then decided to get some fresh air and walked over to my local supermarket witch is only 10 minuets walk away from my home. I bought some aspirin tablets as my shoulder was still feeling a little funny and then after i took the tablets it came back to normal and the problem was gone. I am not sure what is going on and what ever it is it is scaring me half to death. I have had loads of panic attacks in my life time so far and none of them have ever done that to me or made me feel like that. i know how bad panic attacks can be and at times you believe you are going to die but what ever this was it was different to those kind of feelings.

It is possible it is just a nerve being trapped or is trapped and that is what is causing these problems but i just wish it would go away as i think i have enough problems already and i don’t need any more. Due to all the worry my IBS is playing up and causing me loads of problems with my bowls and trapped wind. My back has also been playing up badly and my walking …well….. the feeling i normally only get once or twice a month where my legs turn to lead and all the muscles ache and the pains in the back on both sides seem to spread into my bum cheeks seems to have decided to stay for a while as i have been fighting it now for just over 2 weeks and it doesn’t seem to want to go again. I have been getting terrible aches and pains in both sides of my lower back and these pains are spreading up the spine slowly. What ever is causing the back to play up so badly seems to be getting worst.

I can’t believe the state i have got into and all the problems i now have. I am a complete mess and think someone needs to check me out from head to toe and find out what on earth is going on with me and my health. It just seems to me that i am slowly getting worst and no matter how bad i get the doctors just don’t seem to be interested in making me well again. All they do is throw more tablets at you and tell you to call back if things don’t improve. The trouble is things never do seem to improve and the problems always seem to come back no matter how hard i try to avoid anything that could make me worst or set off some part of my illness. No matter how hard i try i just don;t seem to get anywhere and my health seems to be slowly getting worst as time goes on. I really do need to chase up my specialist and find out when my next appointment is. I just can’t go on like this. Well at least i now have my appointment with the doctor at 20 to 5 today so hopefully we may get some answers as to what on earth was going on the last couple of days and why did i feel like i was about to die.

A Shocking wake up call from the beast…..

Another wake up call with a visit from the beast at 4am this morning. This time it was actually the shadows that has woken me first and then the attack didn’t appear until an hour later. It was yet another massive attack resulting in me diving for my injection and using extreme heat treatment to deal with the pain. What i mean by extreme heat treatment is that i use my electric fire to put heat on the side of my face and then move away slowly decreasing the heat levels as the pain eases. It helps to reduce the time an attack will last but can result in you throwing up for about 10 minuets for some unknown reason.

I don’t mind it waking me up so early today as i am off fishing with my mother, step father and John my mate. It has left me with strong shadows that i will no doubt have to deal with for the remainder of the day. Also when i woke this morning i was in for a very nice shock. My mother was rushed into hospital last night whilst i was sleeping with chest pains. It was her heart. She believes it was angina but where she was waiting for the cardiologist for so many hours and he didn’t turn up she decided to come home and sod than as she was feeling better.

I woke to an urgent message on my mobile to ring my brother as she was rushed in so immediately i called at 5.30am this morning only to get my mother on the other end, as i had woken her, witch gave me a shock of my life as i thought she was actually still in hospital. She has decided to still go fishing even after wheat has happened and i have to say has inspired me with her strength. She didn’t really rest after her operation on the kidney and is still in agony as the nerves repair themselves where she was cut open and the kidney removed. She is on pain killers but they don’t seem to hold off the pain for long so she has had to get extra tablets from the doctor to try and bridge the gap in between doses.

With al the problems i have been having and the pain i get each day with my attacks i can honestly say i respect my mother for the strength she has and the way she is just getting on with her life, despite being nocked down she just keeps on getting back up. I don’t think i have any where near the amount of strength and courage she has and i don’t mind saying i am proud to be her son. With my illness through the years and then being diagnosed with another illness, this time rare and incurable, she has always been there for me and when i fall always picked me up. This is one of the reasons i started a fishing journey around the fisheries of Wales.

I didn’t want to give in to the beast and just rot away stuck in my flat, not going out and shutting myself away in fear of the attacks all the time. It’s from my mothers strength and support i have been able to take up my hobby again and fall in love with it all over again. Fishing has now become my release and relaxation method. I am able to get rid of all my stresses just by going on a fishing trip. It’s crazy the effect it has on me and that’s why I want to do as much as i can. That’s a good thing really as it gets me out of my flat and stops me shutting myself off from the world. For the first time in many years i have something positive happening in my life and want to grab hold of it with both hands.

Weekly Update due to loss of connection…..

Well what a week i have had. Firstly i had my internet restricted all because i carried £5 over from my last bill to the next one and had to wait a whole week for them to switch me back on so i haven’t been able to do any work on my web sites or update my blogs so i decided to sit down and write them each day, save them and then just do one major update at the end of the week to catch up. I have to say this has been one of the worst weeks i have had and one of the most stressful.

To start the week off i was waiting for some order to be delivered from certain companies that i won’t mention their name but when the order showed up there was half of it missing. It actually wasn’t their fault it was just a clerical error but as you can imagine when you are waiting for stuff to arrive and only half shows up you tend to get a little upset and stressed. After sorting out this problem the next delivery i received was also wrong and the next company had also made some errors and actually sent me the wrong products. By this time i was pulling my hair out. I managed to get them all sorted and now the correct items have been delivered but i am still waiting for one order that i am hoping will arrive sometime today (Thursday). The items i am waiting for are new wheels for my fishing wheel barrow as the last time i went fishing the wheels burst and split under the weight as i was carrying 3 lots of fishing gear and its only made to handle one load. I don’t mind as the wheels are only cheap to replace but it stops me from going fishing at the moment.

THURSDAY

The beast has been playing up all week with its constant attacks in the early hours of the morning. I have only had 2 days this week where i haven't actually had an attack and the lack of sleep is starting to get to me. Yesterday i had a massive attack at lunch time and by the evening i was really suffering. I ended up with yet another big attack by bed time and ended up having to take my injection before going to bed. For some reason when i took the injection it had a strange effect on me and as soon as the attack aborted all of a sudden i started to feel unwell and extremely strange. My breathing became difficult and i suddenly became ice cold. I jumped up and moved to the other chair where my oxygen is and placed the mask over my face and turned it on full. I began to shave and my back became so cold i can only describe it as standing up against a freezer with you back placed on the ice, that's how bad it was. Something inside me started to think i was about to have a heart attack or stroke. I then began to panic and ended up having a massive panic attack and was convinced it was my time to die.

There has been many occasion when i have been having the massive attacks where i have prayed for death to come and put an end to all my suffering and pain. To be so bad that you welcome death is not a good thing and i really need to start chasing up my appointment with the specialist as yesterday gave me a wake up call. No matter how much you pray for death to come when it actually comes down to it and you think you are about to die you suddenly change and fear death. The feeling i had yesterday when having the panic attack was very strange. I have had loads of panic attacks in my life time due to the mild bi-polar that i have suffered all of my life since a small boy. I was diagnosed at the age of 8 years old when my mother found me in my walk-in-wardrobe hanging from the railing by a neck tie tied around my neck. If she hadn’t have found me at the time she did i would have been dead. The feelings i had back then when i was a child and thought i was going to die is the closest thing to what i felt yesterday. It brought so many memories flooding back to me and my life flashed before my eyes. The coldness that came over me was like nothing i have felt before and i can only describe it as death itself.

It took a good hour before i calmed down enough to start realising what had happened to me. When having the attack i became so weak i couldn’t even get out of the chair for quite a while. It took all my strength away from me and scared the life out of me at the same time. That was one of the worst panic attacks i have every experienced and it was very different to the panic attacks i was used to. I know the body can do some strange things when it want's to but i just wish it would just stop these attacks from happening or at least let me know why they are coming so i could take precautions not to set them off. After my scare yesterday i have now woken up with some strong shadows and a lot of pain in the back. I hope it will improve as the day does on. Fingers Crossed!

FRIDAY

Again i have been woken by the beast at the ungodly hour of 2.30am with yet another massive attack. The attack happened so fast i didn’t even get a chance to take my injection before i was in so much pain i couldn’t even move. I actually dreamt that i was in agony and having an attack and then suddenly realised it was actually happening whilst i was asleep an woke straight into the attack. This has happened a couple of times before where i was actually dreaming about the attacks i have but its the first time i woke up half way through an attack and in extreme pain. Normally the start of the attack and the strong shadows are enough to wake you before the attack comes. I was so tired after having a week from hell i suppose that's the reason for me actually sleeping until the attack got to a stage where the body couldn’t take it any more and woke me up.

I ran into the living room to take my injection but where i was already into a full blown attack i couldn’t see properly out of my eyes and walked straight into the edge of the door causing me even more pain. I then fell to the ground hard. It was like i passed out for a few seconds and then came around whilst i was actually falling and hit the floor with a massive THUD! It looks like i must have twisted as i fell as i now have pain in the left leg just behind the nee on the lower muscle so i must have pulled or twisted the muscle as i fell.

My back has been playing up something rotten the last couple of weeks. Normally i get walking problems once or twice a month, a strange feeling like my legs are made of lead and pains and aches in the lower back area followed by shooting pains up the spine into the neck. The last 2 weeks i have been getting it almost every day now and it is really starting to worry me. There seems to be so many problems with my health all of a sudden i just don’t know what to do or how to cope with it all. I am going to book in to see my doctor on Monday and ask for extra help in order to deal with all these issues. I need them to investigate my back problems and try and push the referral that she made months ago to the back specialist. It seems like the back problem is making the head and my condition play up a lot more than it usually does and this time of yea i am getting almost 3 times more attacks than i had last year so something is definitely aggravating my condition.

With every thing that has gone on this week and the problems i have been having my stress levels are at their maximum so i have decided i want to go fishing and try and relax and release some of the stress. My mother and Brian, my step father, have decided we are all going fishing on Saturday (tomorrow) at one of our local carp and Coarse fisheries. My mate John is also joining us so myself and John can get some practice in at Carp fishing and get used to some of the new gear we have got. I am so looking forwards to getting out in the fresh air and relaxing by the lake side its unreal. Fingers crossed we have a good days fishing. I can’t wait.

Another painful day, shut away. Shame you can’t shut out the attacks…..

Again the attacks continued right through the day and into the evening and no matter what i tried i just couldn’t stop the onset of pain and agony i had to put up with. Trying to get to sleep was a challenge in itself as each time i kept moving to try and get confortable i would either end up in pain from my back or neck or make myself so uncomfortable i would feel an attack build. this continued up until the early hours as the last time i woke up due to me moving and making myself uncomfortable i looked at the clock and it was just approaching 1am. I did manage to get to be early as i just new i would have difficulties in getting to sleep and i also knew that the beast would be paying me a few visits during the night and i was correct as i had 5 or 6 quite large attacks before i managed to get off to sleep. Thank go i did go to bed early, at least by doing so i ended up getting enough sleep not to feel like the living dead today. I wasn’t woken by the beast this morning, thank god, but i do have some strong shadows and my neck feels just as sore as ever. I crawled out of bed at 6 am this morning witch is really good for me as normally about 3am the beast would be dragging me out of bed by the head.

It must be down to the horrible weather front we have at the moment bringing all the wet weather and wind with it causing stormy conditions for most of the weekend just gone and the week ahead. We do have a couple of days that are forecast to be clear but most of the days next week are forecast to be wet and windy. It looks like i have a week ahead of me that i would rather not have to endure. When the weather gets like this it causes havoc with my condition and i always end up paying for it. The attacks seem to get stronger and the duration of the attacks longer as the weather gets more and more unsettled. I don’t know why the weather has such an effect on my condition but after reading back through my blog and looking through all my notes i seem to come up with the same conclusion every time and that is that the weather is THE main trigger for my attacks and the extremities of each thing such as extreme heat or cold seems to cause me more attacks than anything else i know. It always seems to be a change in the weather or the start of a bad spell that always triggers off my attacks and with the attacks comes bad backs and aches and pains all over.

Last year i remember my attacks suddenly stopping and going away for a while when the warmer weather came and through the spring and summer months i didn’t have hardly any attacks but this year has been completely different with the attacks remaining bad all the way up to summer and then it did improve but no where near as good as last year. I believe it has been my back that has aggravated my condition mostly this summer, if i wasn’t getting so many pains up and down the spine all the time i think i would have had a lot less attacks but can only make assumptions. I know the Pregabilin tablets did make a difference when i started taking them as i could actually see the difference in the amount of attacks i was getting but then after a while it seemed to level out and i wasn’t making any more improvement. I did try the Verapamil treatment but due to me being allergic to something in the tablet or actually to the drug itself it made me really bad and made everything worst and has now given me IBS to deal with on top of everything else. I am praying that with the help of the specialist we will find some other combination of drugs that i can take that will eventually put this beast to sleep once and for all.

2 Days of non-stop attacks….God help me!

What an absolutely horrific day i had yesterday starting of with an attack from the beast at around 3am and then another at 5 just to start the day. Both attacks were big ones resulting in my eye swelling shut and my face drooping like i am having some kind of stroke. the pain was so strong all i could here was the loud ringing in my ears and feeling faint as if i was about to just pass out again. I hate actually passing out from the strong attacks as when you come round you feel just as sick as you do at the start of the attack and then the pain returns until the attack has run its course. What ever i going on inside my head is causing me so much agony and pain its just unbelievable. If it was happening to someone else i would say they were exaggerating the pain as no one could be in that much agony,… but its true!

The day continued with on and off attacks all through the day but the main attacks i think reached about 9 or 11 i am not quite sure but the big ones were very bad and scary. All i could do was sit and wait until the next attack came and then had to go through the process of dealing with the pain al over again. By the time the end of the day came and i went to bed i was almost asleep on my feet i was that bad. The worst thing is i was then again woken this morning at 3am and 4am with bad attacks and then had another at 9.30am. It seems like there is a weather system just passing over is bringing rain and storms and it seems to be effecting my head yet again. No matter how much i try i just can’t seem to stop the attacks from happening. OK it’s great to have the 2 injections to abort 2 of the big attacks but witch two do you choose? at the start of the day or at the end? keep them for when you wake up or keep them for when you are sleeping? Some times it just drives me insane.

My mother and step father managed to get out and went fishing yesterday at one of the local fisheries and by the sounds of it they caught loads of fish and had a great time. I had to miss out as i was waiting for parcels to arrive plus my head would just not stop playing up so i think it was for the best that i didn’t manage to go. I was thinking about getting out for a couple of hours today down at the local lake at the bottom of the road i live near but unfortunately it has been closed due to a problem with the water and the hot weather. What's actually going on i am not sure but there is no fishing for at least a week down there so that idea went out the window. To be honest i think again its a good idea i didn’t go the way my head has been today. Yet again i have another attack forming and i can feel my neck getting tighter and a feeling like i have a golf ball stuck in the joint. This means i have a big attack on its way so i will have to leave my blog at this for today and do the update sometime over the weekend.

The beast is here to stay… another day of agony

I spent the entire day yesterday suffering from attacks all the time and the after effects of the attacks. Not only was i having a bad head day but also a bad back day as well. The beast wasn’t content with just making me suffer in pain from  the head and the attacks all the time but also wanted me to suffer pain with every movement i made. I couldn’t even get up to go to the toilet with out serious pain starting and resulting in me spending most of the time laid on my bed un able to move in fear of pain all the time.

I really do dislike it when my back plays up just as bad as the head as i end up feeling helpless and unable to do the smallest of tasks. Not only does it make you feel helpless and useless but also starts off my depression and i end up in some sorry states.The attacks are only half of the battle and drain all of your energy so even after the attack is over all you can do is lay there waiting for your strength to return hoping it will come back before the next attack shows its head again.

I have experienced the worst of the attacks before but nothing prepares you for a full day of them. One attack after the other, the next just as painful as the first and nothing you can do except rid it out and let it takes it course. I can only put the day down to the weather and all the rain and wet  weather we are getting at the present moment. Maybe this low pressure area is what has set off all the attacks and will hopefully be over soon especially as the better weather approaches.

My head at the moment is not only suffering from strong shadows but also aching like it is swollen and in pain. The throb i am getting in my head is worst than having a migraine yet not as powerful as an attack and is constant. If it was only a n ache every now and again i wouldn’t worry so much but this is just non stop and doesn’t even show signs of stopping any time soon. My sides feel like someone has been punching me in each side leaving it bruised and in pain and my back also feels as if i have been run over by a truck or something.

I am hoping that today isn’t as bad as it was yesterday but i have a bad feeling as the aches and pains are just too strong at the moment and aren’t showing signs of easing off any time soon. All i can do is try to stay as still as i can and try not to do anything that will aggravate my current condition and end up making me feel even worst than i all ready do, if at all possible. :Lets just hope this nightmare ends soon as i just don’t know how much more i can take.