Well what a week i have had. Firstly i had my internet restricted all because i carried £5 over from my last bill to the next one and had to wait a whole week for them to switch me back on so i haven’t been able to do any work on my web sites or update my blogs so i decided to sit down and write them each day, save them and then just do one major update at the end of the week to catch up. I have to say this has been one of the worst weeks i have had and one of the most stressful.
To start the week off i was waiting for some order to be delivered from certain companies that i won’t mention their name but when the order showed up there was half of it missing. It actually wasn’t their fault it was just a clerical error but as you can imagine when you are waiting for stuff to arrive and only half shows up you tend to get a little upset and stressed. After sorting out this problem the next delivery i received was also wrong and the next company had also made some errors and actually sent me the wrong products. By this time i was pulling my hair out. I managed to get them all sorted and now the correct items have been delivered but i am still waiting for one order that i am hoping will arrive sometime today (Thursday). The items i am waiting for are new wheels for my fishing wheel barrow as the last time i went fishing the wheels burst and split under the weight as i was carrying 3 lots of fishing gear and its only made to handle one load. I don’t mind as the wheels are only cheap to replace but it stops me from going fishing at the moment.
THURSDAY
The beast has been playing up all week with its constant attacks in the early hours of the morning. I have only had 2 days this week where i haven't actually had an attack and the lack of sleep is starting to get to me. Yesterday i had a massive attack at lunch time and by the evening i was really suffering. I ended up with yet another big attack by bed time and ended up having to take my injection before going to bed. For some reason when i took the injection it had a strange effect on me and as soon as the attack aborted all of a sudden i started to feel unwell and extremely strange. My breathing became difficult and i suddenly became ice cold. I jumped up and moved to the other chair where my oxygen is and placed the mask over my face and turned it on full. I began to shave and my back became so cold i can only describe it as standing up against a freezer with you back placed on the ice, that's how bad it was. Something inside me started to think i was about to have a heart attack or stroke. I then began to panic and ended up having a massive panic attack and was convinced it was my time to die.
There has been many occasion when i have been having the massive attacks where i have prayed for death to come and put an end to all my suffering and pain. To be so bad that you welcome death is not a good thing and i really need to start chasing up my appointment with the specialist as yesterday gave me a wake up call. No matter how much you pray for death to come when it actually comes down to it and you think you are about to die you suddenly change and fear death. The feeling i had yesterday when having the panic attack was very strange. I have had loads of panic attacks in my life time due to the mild bi-polar that i have suffered all of my life since a small boy. I was diagnosed at the age of 8 years old when my mother found me in my walk-in-wardrobe hanging from the railing by a neck tie tied around my neck. If she hadn’t have found me at the time she did i would have been dead. The feelings i had back then when i was a child and thought i was going to die is the closest thing to what i felt yesterday. It brought so many memories flooding back to me and my life flashed before my eyes. The coldness that came over me was like nothing i have felt before and i can only describe it as death itself.
It took a good hour before i calmed down enough to start realising what had happened to me. When having the attack i became so weak i couldn’t even get out of the chair for quite a while. It took all my strength away from me and scared the life out of me at the same time. That was one of the worst panic attacks i have every experienced and it was very different to the panic attacks i was used to. I know the body can do some strange things when it want's to but i just wish it would just stop these attacks from happening or at least let me know why they are coming so i could take precautions not to set them off. After my scare yesterday i have now woken up with some strong shadows and a lot of pain in the back. I hope it will improve as the day does on. Fingers Crossed!
FRIDAY
Again i have been woken by the beast at the ungodly hour of 2.30am with yet another massive attack. The attack happened so fast i didn’t even get a chance to take my injection before i was in so much pain i couldn’t even move. I actually dreamt that i was in agony and having an attack and then suddenly realised it was actually happening whilst i was asleep an woke straight into the attack. This has happened a couple of times before where i was actually dreaming about the attacks i have but its the first time i woke up half way through an attack and in extreme pain. Normally the start of the attack and the strong shadows are enough to wake you before the attack comes. I was so tired after having a week from hell i suppose that's the reason for me actually sleeping until the attack got to a stage where the body couldn’t take it any more and woke me up.
I ran into the living room to take my injection but where i was already into a full blown attack i couldn’t see properly out of my eyes and walked straight into the edge of the door causing me even more pain. I then fell to the ground hard. It was like i passed out for a few seconds and then came around whilst i was actually falling and hit the floor with a massive THUD! It looks like i must have twisted as i fell as i now have pain in the left leg just behind the nee on the lower muscle so i must have pulled or twisted the muscle as i fell.
My back has been playing up something rotten the last couple of weeks. Normally i get walking problems once or twice a month, a strange feeling like my legs are made of lead and pains and aches in the lower back area followed by shooting pains up the spine into the neck. The last 2 weeks i have been getting it almost every day now and it is really starting to worry me. There seems to be so many problems with my health all of a sudden i just don’t know what to do or how to cope with it all. I am going to book in to see my doctor on Monday and ask for extra help in order to deal with all these issues. I need them to investigate my back problems and try and push the referral that she made months ago to the back specialist. It seems like the back problem is making the head and my condition play up a lot more than it usually does and this time of yea i am getting almost 3 times more attacks than i had last year so something is definitely aggravating my condition.
With every thing that has gone on this week and the problems i have been having my stress levels are at their maximum so i have decided i want to go fishing and try and relax and release some of the stress. My mother and Brian, my step father, have decided we are all going fishing on Saturday (tomorrow) at one of our local carp and Coarse fisheries. My mate John is also joining us so myself and John can get some practice in at Carp fishing and get used to some of the new gear we have got. I am so looking forwards to getting out in the fresh air and relaxing by the lake side its unreal. Fingers crossed we have a good days fishing. I can’t wait.
