Yet again another wake up call from the beast this morning at 3 am. I am quite surprised as i haven’t had any attacks all day yesterday and no signs of any shadows. Apart from my bowls playing up something rotten and the strange feeling of my left arm going dead and pins and needles i feel fine. So to be woken in the early hours by a rouge attack is quite strange. Normally i am only woken when i am having a bad day or even week. I did manage to go back to sleep at 5 until 7 so its not as bad as it usually is. Let’s hope its the start of a rest period where i won’t get any attacks for a while. The longest rest period i have had to date since last year is 6 days. i haven’t quite reached a full weeks rest yet.
I made my appointment with the doctor at 20 to 5 yesterday evening to see what was going on with me. The doctor seemed to think that the arm going dead all the time is due the the nerve being trapped or the muscle damages dome how and aggravating the nerves in the arm. She said it could be that i have hurt my muscle during my sleep as i have very restless nights with my head the way it is always tossing and turning until i drift of and that could have been enough to damage the nerve. I have to admit she could have a point as i have been feeling some strange pulling sensations in my neck going into the shoulder over the last couple of days and that could explain what is going on. With regards to the panic attacks she said its only normal that i have had panic attacks especially when my arm is going dead for no reason. She would panic if her arm was going dead all the time and the strength just disappearing. especially if she had my illness and had to deal with the attacks i get every day. i was very shocked at her comments as she seemed to understand what i was going through. The doctor was a locum and she seemed very nice. She said she suffered with bad migraines so that could explain her understanding. She said all i can do for the panic attacks is to try and stay calm and ride them out when they happen. As i am used to getting milder panic attacks due to my bi=polar she didn’t see the need of extra medication on top of everything else i am taking.
It also doesn’t help to be taking extra medication when suffering from constipation either. Due to the stress and me worrying about what is going on it has set of the IBS and made it very uncomfortable for me at the moment. I am constantly feeling bloated and have wind travelling all over my body causing pain and agony when it hits an internal organ. The doctor has again given me Lactulose solution to help get things moving again and also some Buscopan tablets to help calm down the bowls and help deal with the extra wind. The last time i was this bad was due to the Verapamil and me being either allergic to it or another medication conflicting with it causing me IBS.
I have to admit i have had a couple of very stressful weeks witch would explain for all the problems i have been getting with my bowls and why the IBS is so bad and i am not surprised i am getting panic attacks when my arm goes dead. the first ting that came to my mind was i was about to have a stroke due to my attacks or even worst a full blown heart attack. It human nature to think the worst all the time so i have to try and keep calm and knowing what is causing these problems is half the battle. i am just hoping the panic attacks stay away for a while and let me get on with things. Again i have been shut away for weeks in the flat only going out once for fishing on Saturday and once for Sunday dinner at my mothers. i really have to start getting out in the fresh air a bit more than i am as it will help me with my depression and stop me feeling so down and alone all the time. I think that's why the panic attacks have been so strong as i am on my own all the time and fear the worst, if something happens to me there is no one here to help.
I do have a little bit of the shadow this morning so i am not completely out of the woods yet and could easily have another attack yet. Normally after an attack i get strong shadows so for them to be slight is a good sign at least. One of the things i hate the most is the ringing in the ears. Ever since these attacks began i have been getting a loud ringing sound in my ears and when the attacks is gone and i feel normal the sound goes quiet but i can still make it out. It is there 24 hours a day 7 days a week and i don’t remember a day where i didn’t have the ringing. I used to put it down to loud music as i used to DJ in a night club in Ayia Napa in Cyprus for a few years and the loud music could have had an effect on my hearing but i don’t think it’s that. Ever since these attack began just over 13 years ago i have had this sound and when i have a bad attack it gets so loud it can drown out the outside world and you can’t even hear people who are speaking at you directly and end up trying to read their lips. I was lucky as when i was very young, living in St. Neots just outside Cambridgeshire, i used to have a friend who was completely deaf. He taught me to communicate with him by sign language and used to try and teach me to read lips. I wasn’t very good at the lip reading but seemed to pick up the sign language very quickly and for years we used to hang around together every day and go fishing together on the river Ouse. You don’t think at the time you could be using these skills for yourself in years to come but i am so glad i had his friendship and remembered the tricks he taught me. I wonder what happened to him? maybe one day i should look him up and maybe even go pay him a visit.
Well at least i know i am not having strokes or heart attacks and am thankful for the help the locum doctor gave me yesterday. At least it has put my mind at rest as to why it is happening and why the arm keeps on going dead with pins and needles all the time. The only thing i don’t understand is why the lack of strength all of a sudden. I can only assume it is because of what ever has happened to the muscle in the arm to have caused all the problems in the first place. Fingers crossed i don’t get any more visits from the beast today and hope the weather improves soon as i think all this rain and low pressure above us at the moment is sure to bring the beast out of hiding again.
