Thankfully i have managed to have a couple of days pain free with regards to my head and the attacks. unfortunately my back hasn’t been as good. I am still getting a lot of pain around the back on both sides and it spreads into my bum cheeks all the time. When i walk the calf muscles in my legs ache and on the front it feels like the skin has been stretched tight. The upper muscles of my legs hurt and at the back it goes into the bum all the time. Normally this only happens a couple of times a month but for the last 3 weeks it has been constant and every day i have had to deal with the difficulty in walking and moving about. i am not sure why it has become so bad and can only assume it is down to the damaged nerve that keeps giving me the attacks. I have never had this before the attacks started so can only assume that's where it has come from.
It was a bit of a nightmare shopping at Tesco’s over the weekend as i was having so much difficulty with my movement. Every step i took just brought me more pain and agony and my left arm and shoulder also kept going dead from the nerve getting trapped or playing up. Every time my arm went dead i ended up getting a panic attack. i don’t know why as i know what was happening to me but for some reason panic would set in and it would take me ages to calm down. So far there has been about 4 days where i have had bad panic attacks over the last week all due to my arm going dead. I even went to the doctor and reported what was going on but i couldn’t get to see my normal doctor and had to see the locum. This just resulted in her telling me to rub this cream i have for pain in my back into my shoulder 3 times a day and the dead arm would eventually stop. She said she thought i have trapped or pulled something during my sleep and that's why it was playing up so badly. She totally ignored the fact of my back being in pain and my walking being so bad. So i ended up asking for stuff to help with my IBS and bowls and just left the surgery. I will have to try and get a proper appointment with my normal doctor to chase up the referrals for my back as i can’t go on like this. I do get a few days where i am ok and i can move about pain free but they have become far and few between.
I am hoping to go fishing again at the end of the week as i am just fed up with being stuck indoors all the time. If it’s not my head playing up or the fear of an attack happening in public keeping me from going out its the pain in the back and the painful movement that causes me to be stuck in all the time. I try my hardest to do normal things every day and make sure i exercise or at least go for a short walk to get some fresh air but its been getting harder every time. I just can’t seem to walk any distance any more before pain starts to build and i end up in trouble or having to jump on a bus because i can’t walk back. Then when i get on the bus i start to have panic attacks as the bus vibration aggravates my head and neck and the fear of having an attack whilst trapped on a full bus just starts to get me worried. It just seems no matter how hard i try i just end up having to stay indoors all the time.
I know i am going through these things because of my illness but i just can’t seem to get my head around how quickly i seem to be deteriorating. At the age of 40 i now feel as if i am 80 and my back is in constant pain. If i eat well and put on weight it just makes things worst so i end up missing meals and making myself ill. The stress of everything seems to be getting me down just lately and even the depression has been difficult to cope with. I seem to be going through quick mood changes as one minuet i am up and looking forwards to the future and then the next i am down and so low i just don’t want to go on anymore. The fight seems to be draining from me and i seem to have a lot less energy each day. Having attacks in the early hours all the time and the fear of sleeping as u know you will wake to yet another attack leaves you lacking of sleep and rest. The body feels so tired all the time i just don’t know what to do any more. I try to think to myself that i can get through this and eventually control the beast but as each week passes and i feel like i am slowly getting worst it becomes harder and harder to stay focust and positive. God i need help!
