Back is bad and attacks keep on coming…..

Yet again i have had to start the day with an early morning wake up call from the beast at 2.30am this time with another attack stronger than i have ever experienced before. Not only my head was in pain but also my back. Right down to the bottom of the spine and over the top of the head behind the eye. It seems that what ever nerve is playing up in the back it is setting off the nerve in the head and causing me to have lots more attacks.I think it is the sciatic nerve that is playing up and that's what i can feel up my back like a line straight up just slightly to the side of the spine on the left. This runs from the neck down into the bum and the pain is like nothing else i have experienced.

I have my scan on Friday so hopefully they will see what nerve is causing all the problems with the back. The last few weeks it has really been bad and the amount of attacks i am getting is no joke. I have had up to 11 attacks in one day last week and they just keep on coming. I don’t want to increase the Pregabilin tablets as i end up with really bad side effects, wind and kidney pains all the time. The side effects got so bad at one point i was so constipated i had to have an enema and that's not something you really want. I have never felt so embarrassed in my life. The trouble is if i don't increase the medication am i going to continue to get loads of attacks every day or will it settle out as the warmer weather approaches? I just don;t know what to do, i feel lost.

I cant continue with these attacks as it draining my strength fast and i am really not sure how much more punishment my body can take. The pain is so strong within 10 minuets i am screaming and pleading for death to come and put me out of my misery. As i roll about on the floor i am rubbing my head furiously so to make friction against the skin. This seems to help me manage the pain level and ease it slightly but i still can’t handle the pain no matter what i try. It’s pointless taking pain killers as it doesn’t even touch the pain. OK i agree it takes the edge off the back pain but it doesn’t even come close to the head pain and just ends up making me feel sick.

I think i am  going to have to ring the doctors at lunch time and ask to speak with the doctor and explain what's going on as there is no way i will get to the surgery. By the time i have taken a few steps the back is off in pain again and then an attack starts to build. Its going to bad enough getting to the hospital on Friday for my scan as i am going up on the early morning bus. Thankfully i will have someone with me just in case i have an attack and will have to save some injections so i can have them for the journey there and back. I can just imagine having an attack whilst inside the scanning tunnel, oh what a night mare!

4 days of hell on earth and it’s still going ……

I have bee going through hell since Thursday and it hasn’t stopped. I ran out of injections and had to ride the attacks when they came but unfortunately i ended up having 10 or 11 attack during Thursday and this continued into Friday morning when i went up to get my medication. When i got to the chemist they could see the state i was in but informed me they were having trouble getting hold of the injections and the had none there for me so i thought i would have to go all weekend with out a way of aborting my attacks. Thankfully after seeing the state i was in Phil from the chemist rang the company and told them that they needed the injections urgently and managed to get them by Friday evening at 16.30.

I had to ride out attacks up until that point and was in no state to walk back up the chemist so i ended up having to send my friend John up to pick up the injections for me. Since then i have been having non stop attacks and very strong shadows so the pain is not going it does ease of for a short while but the neck and back stays painful continuously all day long. Saturday was much the same, Starting with an attack in the early hours and still sore from the night before. Then even though i was able to abort 2 attacks i continued to get more attacks right up until late evening where i ended up having to beg my friend for some pain killers so i could get some sleep. Luckily my neighbour is suffering from very bad pain in the legs and has tramadol every day so he was able to give me some so i could take the edge of the pain and get rid of the worst of the aches.

With this help i was able to sleep and managed to lay in until 4.30am this morning where i was woken by the beast yet again with another attack brought on by the cold and low pressure weather front. I have noticed when ever we have rain or a low pressure front advertised in the weather i end up getting loads of attacks. Why this happens with the low pressure i don’t know but it seems to be a trigger for my attacks just like the cold wind blowing on the face sets off attacks so does the weather fronts. I can only assume it is causing pressure on the head as i can feel the nerve or something swollen over the top of my head.

If you run your hand over my head you can feel a line swollen from the front of the head, where i have a scar from being cracked open, to the back of the neck. It then goes into the neck and then comes back out on my back. It then runs down my back slightly to the left side behind the shoulder blade right down to the vase of my spine and into my bum cheeks. I have my scan coming up this Friday coming and hope they can find out why i am getting so much pain up and down my back. Especially in the lower back area. This then starts to cause pain in my neck that then sets off the head all over again. If its not something triggering the attacks its the back setting them off. Why my back has suddenly got so bad and why the attacks are playing up so much is a mystery.

Normally after having an attack and aborting it with an injection i do get a sore back and neck but this usually eases off after a few hours leaving a mild shadow and feeling of pressure on the left side of the head. Lately the pain is staying there even after the attack and i can spend up to 3 or 4 hours in so much pain i am sweating buckets and being sick. The last few days have really got to me and worn me down. I have no energy left and feel very weak and sore. Every movement ends up with pain in the back , neck and head so i try and stay as still as possible but even then i can end up getting an attack from not moving around as the back ends up going stiff and hurts like hell. Then, yet again, it will set off an attack. I can’t win!

I actually managed to lay in this morning …Yay!

Thank god i managed to actually have a proper lay in this morning and didn't wake up till well gone 7am this morning. Thankfully i didn't get an attack from the beast when i did wake but i do have some little shadows at the moment so wont count my chickens just yet. The last time i got excited i didn't get any attacks during a morning i ended up s[ending the rest of the day battling with the beast so i am praying it won’t be a repeat of that episode. Getting attacks during the day is just as bad as getting them in the mornings except you always end up having more than one attack if they appear during the day.

I can feel the attack trying to build as the nerve is still tender from yesterdays attacks and i can feel the pressure on the left side of the face. The nerve runs over the top of my head into the neck and then down my back behind my shoulder blade slightly to the left of the spine. It doesn’t help i am still getting pain in the base of the back right across both sides. This is the pain that they will be scanning for when i have my MRI next Friday morning. I can’t wait until i have had the scan as i really want to know what is causing this pain and why it makes life difficult to walk.

I am hoping that as soon as i have had the scan and got the results the doctors will then be ale to put a plan of action together and put me on the right medication to do the job. I am praying its not something serious as its bad enough having to deal with CH let alone any other condition but something inside tells me i am going to have a shock and its going to turn out to be arthritis just like my mother has suffered with for years. Not only the arthritis runs in the family but also heart conditions too. I have been diagnosed with very high cholesterol when i had my last blood tests so i have the feeling that in the years to come i will end up with problems with my heart or even end up with angina due to the cholesterol building up in the tubes.

Lets hope that things won’t turn out as bad as i fear and that i worry for nothing but i was right about my head, years i was telling them and for years they ignored me putting it down to depression and drink and drugs especially when i haven’t drunk alcohol in over 14 years. I was told it was migraines and that alcohol makes them worst, i was also told it was stress related as when i get an attack i become blotchy all over my skin so they thought i was having some extreme stress attack but in the end they were all proved wrong and finally they found out that i was suffering from CH and there was noting they can really do except try and help me stop the attacks from appearing as the condition isn’t well enough known to have a cure yet.

I was told clearly its a condition that can’t be cured and i will have to learn to live with for the rest of my life. Ever since they started the medication i have ended up with other health issues due to the side effects and there is not much i can do except wait for doctors to change the medication each time. So far i have tried 4 medications and only 2 are working. The other 2 put me in hospital and almost killed me as far as i am concerned. Lets hope the next medication change will be a bit better than the last 2 attempts.   

A Better start to the day but still suffering….

At last a better start to the day, Don’t get me wrong i am still having small attacks but at least i managed to sleep until 7am this morning and managed to recharge a bit of energy as the attacks take it out of you. I am still getting strong shadows and have a sore neck and jaw. Its typical because just as i started to type this blog an attack ha started to build and it looks like its going to be a big one. I have just had to take my injection and have a cloth pressed up against my face on the left side eye. This is to apply pressure to the eye while the pain increases so you are able to manage the pain a little easier, Like rubbing your arm after bumping into some thing.

There is no possible way to manage all off he pain but at least the injections work. Its just kicked in and the pain has eased away. I am able to move my neck with out screaming in agony. The injections work quickly if you catch the attack just right and don't let it build and then take the injection as it will sometimes over power it and you have to ride out an attack but when you catch it early enough the pain disappears instantly. It’s such a shame i am only allowed 2 injections per day as sometimes i can have 8 or 10 attacks through out the whole day and evening and this can be agonising. They are so strict about only taking 2 injections as it can cause you big problems in the long run and you can end up with other health issues that you won’t want to deal with such as angina or heart attack.

I am now pain free for at least one hour but i know i will have more today as i can feel the cloud over my head and the pressure on the left side of the face and head. The scar on my head where it was split open swells and then the body starts to sweat that's when i know its going to be a big attack. If i get a soreness in the neck first and on the back then its normally a smaller attack that i am able to ride the pain until it is over. All depending on what warning sig  get depends on how bad an attack it will be. I have noticed this only just recently whilst being woken up in the mornings at 1 or 2 am sometimes has an effect on you and by mid day you are knackered. Being woken up that time in the morning means there is sod all on TV so its either a film, catch up TV or Internet and computer. I end up reading back over my blog to see if there is any patterns to my attacks when i am bad and when i am good. The trouble is i have to sift through all the side effect problems i have had from the medication i am on. It wasn’t until i read through all the blog that i realised how much i have put my body through.

It’s no wonder i have been suffering and feeling drained and tired all the time. I think i need a tonic of vitamins to pick my body back up off the floor again and then start going for a walk once and day just to get exercise. At least it gets me out and i get fresh air. They are forecasting a very hot summer this year so hopefully i will be able to get out a lot more and go fishing a lot more again just to get me out this rut i am in at the moment. Get the attacks to stop for a while and let me have a rest or a break. Normally they almost disappear in the summer months but last year i still suffered so this year will be no different i suspect so i need to prepare myself and get things organised so i can get out a bit more.

Wacky Weekend battling the Beast . …. ..

Saturday

Thankfully i managed a bit of a lay in before the beast came to visit and it wasn't until 6am i had my first and hopefully last attack today but some how i don’t think that's going to be the case. The strangest thing is that there is no reason for all the attacks and for me to be so bad. I am not going out in the cold and keeping the flat warm so the temperature doesn't drop during the night. It could be the strange weather we are having but normally when we have good weather i get less attacks not more and especially not stronger. I have tried to pin point the exact trigger as to what is causing it and can only think its something to do with my back and spine and something in there, when i move, is aggravating it and causing them to appear.

At least i am no longer getting the attack right up the spine when it comes and is staying up in the head area this time. The other day scared me as the pain was just not stopping and no matter what i tried i couldn't get rid of it. for 3 days i was going through hell and each attack i was having was making the after pain stronger and stronger. I ended up resorting to Solpadine Plus tablets to ease the sharp pain in the spine. All the did was take the edge off the pain and helped me manage it for a couple of days. I couldn't take no longer than 3 days worth anyway as they are very bad drugs to be taking and it tells you on the box with a big warning.

I used to eat these like sweets when i was first back in the UK and didn't know about my condition. I understand now why they never used to work on me and all i was trying to do was medicate the pain instead of stopping the cause. Lets hope these next 3 months fly by so i can see the specialist again and get the next plan of action. So far we are 2 for 2. 2 Failures & and 2 Successes with regards to the medication they have put me on. 2 actually help me and the other 2almost killed me as far as i was concerned. I may be exaggerating a little and would probably just been ill until i came back off the medication but they made me real bad and that's not what i need.

Sunday

Back to the same routine battling the beast and having to put up with agonising pain for hours on end. I don't know what is setting off the attacks all the time but i know they are stronger than i have ever had before. The pain i am feeling is starting in my back at the base and i can feel is when i move sometimes, it then travels up the back and into the base of my neck. This causes the neck to be in a lot of pain and even massaging it doesn't ease the agony. The pain then builds in the base of the neck until a full attack happens and then it lights up right over the top of the head on the left side of my face and in behind the eye and top jaw. It honestly feels like someone is trying to rip my head open the pain is so bad.

Even after taking the injections the pains seems to be lingering around for a while before it disappears completely. This has never happened before and its worrying that the pain continues even after the attack. When i ride an attack out ad not bother with the injections after an hour or so it usually eases off but this is just staying and the left side of my face is in constant pain. Even when it is bearable and i am able to sit and write this blog it continues to hurt and remind me that i have a problem. he left side of my body feels so sore at the moment i just don’t know what to do. I rest and stay warm but that doesn’t even seem to be enough to keep the beast from attacking.

All i can do for now is pray that this bad period passes quickly and that my MRI scan at the end of the month will give us some answers as to why this is all happening to me. Something has got to show up some where surely. Where is all the pain coming from and why does it keep happening. Simple questions but difficult to answer but if i am to live with this condition for the rest of my life i need some clues as to how i can manage it and what keeps setting the attacks off. If i knew that i could avoid them all together but that's too much to hope for. I am praying the next visit to the specialist and the new medication he will give me will help instead of making me worst as the others medications i have tried so far have all made me feel more ill.

How much more pain can i take? ……

The last couple of days have been complete agony! I have been getting between 6 and 10 attacks and these attacks are so bad not only does it crush my head but also completely incapacitate me as the pain runs right down the spine to the base so when i move it travels up my back and then over the head setting off attack after attack. Unfortunately i have used my ration of injections so have to ride out each of these attacks and they are so bad that when the attack finishes it still leaves the pain behind and the soreness so i have had to resort to pain killers to stop the pain in the back. The most i can take is the Solpadine Dissolvable tablets as they work quickly and help take the edge off the attack when it comes and helps to ease the pain up and down the spine. I am only allowed 3 days maximum with these tablets due to the addictive nature of the codeine in the tablets.

I have tried to make an appointment with the doctor so i can sort something out as i cant go on like this and will have to go back t the old naproxen painkillers to help ease the pain in the back all the time as i cant keep taking the codeine all the time. They told me to ring back in the morning and they will give me an appointment for Monday afternoon. Typical you can't just book it in there and then you have to be 48 hrs. before you can book an appointment. I have to see her as i can’t put up with this. These attacks are getting worst. I am going to have to increase the Pregabilin back up to 150mgs twice a day and put up with the wind and bowel problems and the other side effects off the medication just to get rid of some of the attacks.

At the moment i am sat sweating all over just from pain and soreness after the attacks that i have been having this morning and am feeling rather ill. I keep getting cold sweats before i have an attack and it a horrible feeling because no matter how warm it is you feel cold and wet. You change your clothes 3 or 4 times a day as the sweating is non stop and have to drink at least 2 pints of water per day just in case i have some kind of bug that is making things worst. It has happened before i have caught a cold or the flu and it made my head so bad it was almost unbearable and it seams like i have gone through a similar thing. The attacks were regular in the morning and the early hours but the always stop and the pain eases. This is something different and the pain in certain areas like the back neck and side of the face continue to suffer from strong pain. There has to be something causing it. I know i have had a few rough weeks lately and have been so bad i can’t even get out and go fishing this weekend so will have to plan for next weekend or when its warmer and do some bait testing for a company.

I will only be able to get back out in the fresh air if i can control this pain and the attacks. I am  hoping the increase in my medication will and should make a difference in a coupe of days and i will get less attacks again also with the use of the oxygen i should be able to get back to normal but will have side effects from the meds but its better than having to put up with so many attacks and pain all the time. i would rather the side effects and a couple of attacks. At least i can get on with my life again and get back to fishing. Its horrible being shut indoors all day scared to go further than 10 minuets walk from the flat just in case you have and attack and have to ride out the attack. When outside its embarrassing watching people look at you strange as you scream in agony and the side of you face swells up. All you want to do is die and the pain to go away that's how it makes you feel. How i ended up with this condition i don’t know and can only guess it was when i had my head split open and the nerve is now damaged. They say there is no cure but can control it with medication but i could be spending years testing different drugs and making me ill having to deal with the side effects all the times.

A Week of Hell and Battles with the Beast every day…..

Thursday 6th March 2014

I have again been woken up by the beast at 2.30am this morning with attack after attack, So far i have had 3 attacks in just under 3 hours. Thankfully my injection worked on the first one so i didn't have to suffer for long but the second attack lasted well over an hour and then i was forced into using my last injection on the 3rd attack as it was gong to be a bad one. Even though i had taken the injection i still had to go through the first 15-20 minuets of the attack witch is when it is at its most painful but thanks to the injection it was over very quickly.

Trouble is i have now run out of injections a day early as i cheated the other day as i was having so many attacks so instead of having only 2 injections to abort 2 attacks out of about 8 or 10 in a day i decided to have half of the injection instead allowing me 4 halves so i could abort 4 attacks instead of just 2. The trouble doing this is that you end up wasting the other half of the injection and use double the amount of injection pens so you end up running out earlier. I wish there was a way i could save the other half and then administer it myself. The last couple of weeks have been really bad with pains in my back and neck and so many attacks i am actually getting worst than i was when they first became daily attacks.

They seem to have jumped back up to between 4 and 8 attacks every day instead on just a couple per day and now its most days at the moment. At least i was getting short breaks from the attacks as i would have 3 or 4 bad days then one or 2 god and then 6 bad then 3 good then 5 bad and then followed by 3 good days. So as you can tell i was at least getting some break and rest in between bouts of attacks. Most of the attacks have been during the night and the early hours with the odd 2 or 3 attacks appearing during the day time. The last 2 weeks i have had attacks every day including the days where we tried to go out fishing as the weather seems to get to the neck and set them off so i spent most of my time laid in my bivvi recovering from the attacks.

At the moment i am cut off from the Internet so i can't update my blog unless i tether it to my mobile phone and i cant be bothered going through all the hassle especially when i am feeling so bad It’s only because i am a week late paying my bill so i should be back online within the week so i will write my blog every day and then just update it at the end of the week. Should be an interesting long read the way things are going. I am just praying my back and head behaves itself today as i don’t have any more injections and wont have any more till Friday that IF they have managed to get them in. I Will give the chemist a ring later just to see if they have managed to get hold of my injections as i don't think i can go a whole week with no help what so ever.

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Friday 7th March 2014

Boy have i been having some attacks just lately it seems i am going through a bad bout of attacks as all day yesterday i would get attacks followed by strong shadows all through the day and the again this morning at 01:00 and again at 02:30 and then the shadows are so strong it feels like the attack isn't over and is waiting to kick off again. They have been really bad attacks too, making me sweat like a shower had been turned on. Making the left side of my face droop and swell. Making a line swell up over the top of the left side of my head into the back of the neck aggravating the neck itself making it feel like it is going to start off an attack.

I have also noticed pains in the chest but in the actual muscle of the chest on the right and left side. Every now and again i will get a sharp pain in the muscle and have to massage it till it eases. When i get it on the left i worry a bit more and don’t massage it as much as i don't want to make it worst or start thinking i have problems with my heart. The pains are just general and i think its the cold weather that's making me get aches and pains in different places. I am starting o believe, on to of everything else, i have arthritis. Isn't it enough i have to suffer these attacks all the time and side effects of medication. I don’t kneed more added to the list.

I had my phone call from the social to check up on my illness and progress and was shocked when he told me how i was i didn't really have to say a thing. He apologised for having to ring and do the interview and it was more of a chat than an interview it was very nice, the guy seemed very professional. He advised me on how i should write a letter to the head of the social department for ESA claims and inform them that my illness is worst and due t its nature will get worst over time and there is no cure just management through medication. He old me i had no chance of going back to work and i should even think about it with my condition at the stage it is at. I am to get copies of all the letters from between the specialist and the doctor and send them along with the letter so it can be placed on record and then they will stop having to call me every 3 to 6 months checking up on me. he also said i should update the DLA about my condition is getting worst but at the moment they are all at standstill until they make the change over to a new benefit.

I am now starting to thing about having a part time carer here with me at the flat so when i a bad he can help out with things that i cant cope with. My mother was and still is my main carer but there is not a lot she can do now with having to have blood dialysis every week. Ok she can do it at home and she can hep me hen it come to writing letters but when i am bad and i have my low periods because of the bi-polar it would be wrong to give her the stress and worry now so its about time i thought of a carer. John Rees, one of  my best friends, has been a god send and has helped me out so many times i cant thank him enough and he has volunteered to be a part tie carer so i am going to ring u the social DLA and carers help line and ask their advice as he is also seeking work Because most of the help needed is first thing in morning and through evening and late night and early morning we find that his day is free so he is still going to seek work so i want to find out how we can make it official and notify them that he cares for me part time but can still look for work so he doesn't get in trouble with them. That's the last thing we want.

I have to make an appointment with the doctor firstly to inform her that i am about to have my MRI for the bottom of my spine at last to see what is going on. I also want to see her about advice about pain killers for  the after attack pains that are left in the neck and back. Maybe i need to start taking Naproxen again as i don;t want to start eating pain killers like sweets again. That's what got me in trouble in the first place, but back then they though i was just getting migraines ever couple of months and didn't know about this condition. It’s was just by luck i met  specialist that also suffers the condition like i do and even my chemist has suffered from mild CH and gets attacks if he gets stressed. I was surprised how many people i know who suffers the same or something similar. Hal of them haven't had the proper diagnosis yet but there are more than people know. Most are just migraine sufferers but one or two that i know need to be seen by a specialist and get checked out as they show all the signs of having CH and believe me when you are told you have a condition that is more painful than amputation with out anaesthetic and that there is no cure for the condition and you will suffer the rest of your life is one hell of a kick in the nuts.

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Saturday 8th March 2014

Again i have been woken in the early hours but no so early this time it was around 05:30 when the beast decided up pay a visit and thankfully the chemist had my injections in when i went there yesterday to pick up my monthly medication. I still had to go through the firs 15 to 20 minuets of the attack but as soon as the injection kicked it it stopped instantly.

I still couldn't go back to sleep even though the injection had got rid of my attack as i am stull getting strong shadows, a feeling of pressure building up on the left side of my head. So yet again its laid on the sofa lie a zombie waiting for the day to start watching a load of rubbish on TV. At least  can have a break and write up my blog but i am still going to be offline until Tuesday but at least i will be double the speed when i re connect it.

I am also upgrading my computer system to make it  a lot more powerful and be able to run the entire of fishing adventures ales direct from my system. e are updating it to 4GB memory on a dual core processor running window 8.1 with a Terabyte of storage space and 100MBS Internet connection with unlimited download. I Think that will last me quite some time. It will also be running 2 monitors with a splitter so you can be doing 2 different sets of work at the same time. the storage space will help as we don't want to loose the picture of all the fish we have caught over the years.

Each fish is photographed and documented even the small fish. This way there is an actual record of exactly how many fish each member of FAW catches and the dates,times,size and weight of each fish.. This will eventually build up a big database of the fish in the different lakes and when you catch the same one twice you will know as they all have their own distinguishing marks shapes and sizes making each fish individual.

Well my back is starting to hurt so its back to the sofa to chill out and hop an attack doesn’t start building and i end up having another this morning as the back pain on its own is bad enough and the pain i get in my shoulders because of all the aches and pains is enough for anyone to suffer with out having the CH attacks as well. Let hope my MRI scan on the 28th March 2014 at 11:20 will start to shed some light on the subject and we can start to narrow things down to the causes of the pain and finally get some help arranged. Lets hope this year, 2014, will e MY year, i finally start to get all these problems under control and really get my fishing up and flying.

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Sunday 9th March 2014

The gates of hell opened and the demons on by one came flooding through attacking my head constantly one after the other. Nothing i could do would stop the pain. The level was so bad even the injection had no effect on the pain or the length of the attack what so ever. It felt like my face was being ripped off my skull all over the left had side of the head. The eye was flooding with water and swollen making it difficult to see and it felt like my eye ball was being pushed through the back of my head with a blunt interment,. The pain kevels wee so high i don’t remember the last time i had one this bad. All i could do was roll about on the ground holding my head as tight as i could as if it was trying to explode. I kept banging my head on the ground hoping to crack it open and release what demon is inside out. All i could do was scream out to god for it  to stop and prayed for death to come swiftly and painlessly and wanted he agony to end.

I have had a few attacks where i have been very scared and thought i was going to die and wanted the end to come quick but only a couple that have really scared me and the one i had tis morning scared me as i am still feeling the effects of the attack and the pressure on the left side of my face and its now 14:30, this all started at 01:15 so as you can imagine the side effects of the attacks have ben going on for a long time and it feels like its going to build into another bad attack that will be just as painful as the other. I am praying this isn’t the case and am trying to keep my injection for that attack if it comes. All i can do is now relax and try and get some sleep before the beast returns in  the early hours to fight again.

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Monday 10th March 2014

Thankfully the beast decided to stay asleep until 5 am and then decided to attack me this morning so i managed to get a few extra hours before i had to get out of bed and deal with the pains for another day. My back is getting bed and i now get periods where the pain is so much it makes you sweat buckets and you have a constant ache up the back originating from the centre and spreading equally left and right across the back. Normally the back is only really bad after i have had a bout of head attacks but today for some reason it is playing u on its own and there is no reason for it be so bad. There’s nothing much i can do about it apart from rest it or exercise it , its difficult to know which one to do.

It’s not long now until i get my MRI scan of the base of my spine so i can find out why i get these aches and pains and are they just down to muscular problems or side effects of my medication or is there some thing else going on that is causing the back to hurt all the time. The date of the scan is the 28th of March 2014 so not long to go and its a morning appointment so i have t get there early. They said they will have people on standby just in case i have and attack whilst i am in the scanner as its the last thing i need is my head to start just as they are about to scan the  base of my back, its just my luck to happen but i hope it doesn’t. I will take my injections with me just in case so i will be able to stop the attack and continue the scan i can’t imagine what i will do if it turns out to be a massive attack and overpowers the injection, i think the hospital will be in for a shock.

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Tuesday 11th March 2014

Again i was woken by the beast but thankfully it wasn’t until 4am so i managed to get a couple of hours extra sleep, Just lately every hour counts as i always feel so weak after i have had the attack. Even after taking the injection in order to abort the attack that even takes it out of you. Suddenly all of your energy drains, the chest tightens and your breathing becomes deep but then it stops the attack and your head slowly returns to normal bar a few sore patches from where you have been massaging like mad to get rid of the agony.

I decided to go out and get my money early today as it is my main payday from the sick and walking in the cold air instantly started of an attack. As i walked through the field behind the supermarket to get to the cash machine i could feel the pressure building on the left side of the head and all of a sudden an attack began. As i didn't want to use my injection and waste it as i don’t have many left and don't want to use them up when i may need them more later in the night or early hours i had to ride the attack out and rushed back as quickly as possible to get back in the warmth and get my head warmed up and ease the pain. The attack lasted about 20 minuets and thankfully wasn’t a big one so i recovered pretty quickly.

Its starting to get to me being woken up in the early hours all the time with attacks  and always being in pain. Just once i would love to lay in till lunch time and not get out of bed and relax spending the day dong what i want , maybe even take a trip into town and do some shopping to make me feel better but even this morning i chickened out on going into town because i had an attack start and my back began to hurt. So its not looking good. i am finding it difficult to go further than 5 minuets walk away from my flat as i want to be able to get back if an attack happens and not be stuck out in the open with people watching me scream in agony and pain.

I may have to increase my Pregabilin medication and just put up with the bad side effects for a while just to reduce the number of attacks i am getting. I also need to make an appointment with the doctor as i have been having funny balance problems. I seem to loose my balance on the left side and keep bumping into things and falling over things. This is a strange this as it isn;t all the time

A Beastly Start to the Week! How much more can i take..?

Today has been one of the worst days i have had so far this week starting off with 2 attacks at 2am and 3 am this morning and the continuing the attacks all day long. It see,s like i have a couple of hours break and then another attack starts. Not just being the normal strong shadows but it has continued to give me big attacks one after the other. Only being allowed 2 injections makes things difficult. Sometimes i cheat and only take half of an injection so that i an have 4 halves instead of 2 whole injections. The only trouble is by doing this i am going through twice the amount of injections i should be using and end up running out early of injections leaving me to suffer the rest of the month.

Sometimes i just wish i would have one major attack that is going to be the last attack i ever have. I have felt this way a couple of times but just lately i have had it on my mind more and more each time i go through a bout of attacks. I sometimes feel that my life would be better of if i wasn't alive anymore and the attacks would finally finish and be over, but then i get the fear that i will end up having to suffer this condition even through death as my punishment for everything bad i have done in my life. It’s hard to try and think of the positive things in life when all you are doing is suffering such a high level of pain all the time. Each hour that you suffer seems to drain the energy from you and by the end of the day you feel like the walking dead anyway. I am just at at my breaking strain and don't know if i continue living my life like this, only someone in my position would understand how i feel and i have no one i can turn too.,

Things at home haven't been doing too well either, i seem to have got myself into debt with some pay day loan companies that i am now paying off bit by bit but wish i never got involved with them in he first Place. Now i am struggling just to keep my head up above water and keep the flat warm all the time as if i let the heat drop to much i get even worst attacks so that has now become a main expense having to make sure there is enough gas i the metre all the time. There is some help that British gas give those who are ill and disabled but i wont hear from them until the end of may o see if the have accepted me fully. The electric is not as bad as it used to be when i was using the fire to control my head all the time but its is still a little pricy with the computer and everything else running at the same time. I never seem to have enough money to do a proper shop due tome smoking alt the time and the price of fags now days. I know i should cut down and try and give up buy there i nothing else that u do so i have to have some stress relief,

I think to myself some times is it worth all the hassle having to deal wit all the pain and problems all the time and all the hassle i have to go through every day. My depression seems to be at its lowest and i can’t seem t find my way out this time. I a just hoping something improves real soon as i am so tired and fed up with it all. I don't know how much longeri can go on with all this crap. Lets hope when i get y scan i get a bit of good news and wont end up in a wheel chair in the future.

More attacks and feel more alone than ever before….

Yet again i was woke from my slumber at 2.0 this morning with an attack from the Beast that lasted well over an hour and left me aching and feeling rather strange I think its because i am so tired but  keep getting sharp pain in my chest muscle on the right hand side, I know it cant be anything serious but is starting t become annoying and uncomfortable.

The head has left my back so painful its crazy each time i bend to do something i have to get up really slowly or i get sudden sharp pain and then it locks on me and when it locks n matter what you do you cant get free until the muscles around the back relax. Its now getting that bad that a simple rip to the shop becomes a huge expedition. At least we know have the date for the MRI Scan ad they are going to make sure there are people on standby in case i have an attack when in the unit. I can imagine ripping bits of to get out and escape and costing then 1000’s of £ just to replace. Not the sort of thing i need to happen, not that it would but you never know with my luck.

All i need to do now is wait for my next appointment with Dr Pickersgill and see what other drugs we can try to get tis condition under better control and try and keep the attack from attacking at all. So far only Pregbalilin and the injections work the last 2 medications gave me such bad side effect they almost killed me. I am dreading trying the next one but i have no choice but to try again and again and again until the right combination is found. I cant live my life having attack all the time  feel so isolated its unreal i cant even think about Girlfriend with out getting my condition under control there is no one out there that would take someone like me on with all my troubles and illnesses all the time they would need their head tested that's why i a sometimes cold with  women or push them away as its so embarrassing explaining the condition time and time again.