Today has been one of the worst days i have had so far this week starting off with 2 attacks at 2am and 3 am this morning and the continuing the attacks all day long. It see,s like i have a couple of hours break and then another attack starts. Not just being the normal strong shadows but it has continued to give me big attacks one after the other. Only being allowed 2 injections makes things difficult. Sometimes i cheat and only take half of an injection so that i an have 4 halves instead of 2 whole injections. The only trouble is by doing this i am going through twice the amount of injections i should be using and end up running out early of injections leaving me to suffer the rest of the month.
Sometimes i just wish i would have one major attack that is going to be the last attack i ever have. I have felt this way a couple of times but just lately i have had it on my mind more and more each time i go through a bout of attacks. I sometimes feel that my life would be better of if i wasn't alive anymore and the attacks would finally finish and be over, but then i get the fear that i will end up having to suffer this condition even through death as my punishment for everything bad i have done in my life. It’s hard to try and think of the positive things in life when all you are doing is suffering such a high level of pain all the time. Each hour that you suffer seems to drain the energy from you and by the end of the day you feel like the walking dead anyway. I am just at at my breaking strain and don't know if i continue living my life like this, only someone in my position would understand how i feel and i have no one i can turn too.,
Things at home haven't been doing too well either, i seem to have got myself into debt with some pay day loan companies that i am now paying off bit by bit but wish i never got involved with them in he first Place. Now i am struggling just to keep my head up above water and keep the flat warm all the time as if i let the heat drop to much i get even worst attacks so that has now become a main expense having to make sure there is enough gas i the metre all the time. There is some help that British gas give those who are ill and disabled but i wont hear from them until the end of may o see if the have accepted me fully. The electric is not as bad as it used to be when i was using the fire to control my head all the time but its is still a little pricy with the computer and everything else running at the same time. I never seem to have enough money to do a proper shop due tome smoking alt the time and the price of fags now days. I know i should cut down and try and give up buy there i nothing else that u do so i have to have some stress relief,
I think to myself some times is it worth all the hassle having to deal wit all the pain and problems all the time and all the hassle i have to go through every day. My depression seems to be at its lowest and i can’t seem t find my way out this time. I a just hoping something improves real soon as i am so tired and fed up with it all. I don't know how much longeri can go on with all this crap. Lets hope when i get y scan i get a bit of good news and wont end up in a wheel chair in the future.
