it's starting to become hell on earth.

Well I was actually going to leave updating my blog until the virus was under control or gone but it doesn't look like this virus is going away any time soon. Already more than a year of lockdowns and restrictions have taken its toll on everyone, including myself. I suffer from mental illness anyway and have done since I was young but I have always felt that I had it sussed and under control as I entered my adult years. Of course I have had bad times along the way as that's what mental health does but usually I am able to pull myself out of these low periods but I have been struggling because of this crazy lockdown. It makes you feel like you are shut off from everyone and any help. I have never felt so alone in my life.

The clusters are back as they normally are this time if year and having to deal with such pain when you are feeling low is just crazy. People only ever see the happy side of me, a guy who helps others and always seems posative yet deep inside I am screaming out in pain. I have always tried to put on a brave face and take each day as it comes but lately I am feeling lost. I feel alone and with no hope. 

As I write this I have tears pouring down my cheeks as I struggle to understand the feelings I am getting and the difficulty in thinking straight is becoming worst.  I pray these feeling will pass but I seem to have lost all hope.

It's not helping that the damaged nerve in my left neck and back is causing me so many problems I can barely walk to the shops with out being in agonising pain. I try not to show it but it gets harder each day. I am slowly loosing my mobility and it scares me.

I have always been a person to put others first and always try and help s friend in need. I think this is what has triggered a bad feeling as I helped out close friends struggling during the lockdown, some even loosing thier jobs and having to jump on benefits others even loosing thier benefits due to the changeover to universal credit Nd have to go penny less for 5 to 6 weeks. I'm not one to see someone go with out despite not having much myself. I helped these people but do you think they paid back what they borrowed? No, they forget or pretend to or avoid bringing up the subject. When I then ask for it I am made to feel as though I was in the wrong for helping them and now I'm in the same situation they don't care.

It has made me feel so low I just don't know what to do. 

What makes it worst is I am not one for beggin or borrowing so now they have put me in this situation I have no way out all I can do is ride it. I don't like asking for help myself, maybe that's why I try and help others so much. Well I think its about time this stops as I can't physically take any more. My head is on the virge of snapping.

Well if sufferig from depression and pain from damaged nerves wasn't enough, along side cluster attacks, my Hiatus hernia and heart has decided to join in too. Not sure if it's just stress causing it or if I'm going to have a problem but my blood pressure is through the roof, I can tell as everytime I lean forwards or bend over my head starts feeling like it's about to explode as if pressure building up not to mention the chest pains. 

Well one thing is for sure, this virus and lockdown is starting to show people's true colours. Selfish people who would rather party and do what they like putting sick and elderly at risk and all they do is complain when all they have been asked to do is help not spread the virus by staying at home or keeping socially distanced,  It has opened my eyes over the last year or so. I pray to God that all this gets sorted soon and we start getting some normality back. Not to mention being able to go fishing again as that alone is doing my nut in.  I really don't know how much more of this crap I can take!!!! 

My Covid19 record 2020

I haven't bothered writing any blogs so far this year as i feel all our minds are on something a little more pressing and important. It really does put things into perspective when in the midst of a virus pandemic. I thought it was important to make a record of some of the main things that has been going on lately with this pandemic. 
So this is my record of Covid 19 - 2020 

 I never thought i would ever in a millions years witness something like a pandemic in my lifetime. Its normally something your read in history books or hear about in lessons at school. things that try and teach us not to make the same mistakes. It's crazy to think whats going on around the world and so many people dying and suffering. It really puts your life into perspective and you start to realise that material things in life are not as important as you thought. 

There are many who believe they have already had the virus and managed to get away with mild symptoms but even then they still struggled with issues from this virus. There are 100;'s of thousands of people who have had a bad reaction to the virus and end up paying with their lives. Everyday we wake up dreading the news on TV telling us of the latest figures and recovery plans to try and get control and recover from the pandemic. People avoid hospital as they don't want to risk catching the virus as no one knows how you will react if it will be mild or deadly, its like a game of Russian roulette 

. Hospitals don't want to deal with minor issues for them but big issues for the patients but they are told to wait for treatment after the virus has subsided as the hospitals are in fear of being over run. Armies rush to build field hospitals in stadiums and various buildings to take care of the increase in infections. People are told to stay home and not visit yet you always get some who refuse to play the game and end up breaking rules by going to parks. Many start taking up cycling to keep fit and get out and about so they are not trapped indoors as it is one of the allowed exercises by the government. 

Its all one big shock to the system and something i never thought i would be involved in. My mother caught the virus and ended up in hospital and is now in recovery and still struggling as i write this. My brother had symptoms at the start and had to self isolate. I suffered a strange flu like illness back in November despite having the flu jab which resulted in loss of smell and taste , a very high fever and struggling to breath. At the time i thought it was because i had a chest infection and my smoking had made it worst. Thankfully i have oxygen at home to deal with my clusters. I then get a second bout of the same illness at the start of the outbreak but thankfully am all clear despite still having to be rushed into hospital twice and finding out that the damage i have in the nerves on the left, i now have on the right side of my neck as well so have lots of trouble to look forwards to in the future with the right side of my body just like i did with my left side.  My step father had to self isolate for a long period due to my mother catching the virus, Its all been one crazy experience and very worrying.

We are now at the end of April (25th) and the amount of infections per day is starting to reduce and the amount of infections becoming problematic and resulting in death has decreased.  As they say the curve has flattened but its still quite a high amount of people everyday getting infected and a lot of people dying so i think its going to be a long while before we get some sort of control over this and i pray that we find the cure and vaccine as quickly as possible.

I can honestly say this is a LIFE CHANGING AND WORLD CHANGING EVENT and one year i really want to forget.....

The main points.......

Prime Minister Boris Johnson started lock-down on the evening of 23rd of March 2020 🚫

On the 5th April he was admitted to hospital after 10 days self isolating with the Corona Virus 🧪

On the 6th April he is in intensive care with deteriorating symptoms 🩺

The Queen addressed the nation at 8 pm on 5th April 👑

Excel now known as NHS Nightingale and will be a hospital for up to 4,000 patients, most of whom are on ventilators. 

Similar venues being used in cities across the country. Opened by Prince Charles at 11am on 3rd April 🏥

Community support groups established, to support the vulnerable, elderly, immune-compromised and people in enforced isolation due to exposure, in their community 🧓🏻👴🏻

Petrol ⛽️ price close to home 🏡 was £1.02.

Schools closed on Friday 20 March. 🏫Remote learning in place 🎓

Self-distancing measures required ☹️

Tape on the floors at grocery stores ❌ and others to help distance shoppers 🛒 (2 meters) from each other.

Limited number of people inside stores, therefore, lineups outside the store doors 🏬

Non-essential stores and businesses mandated closed 🚫 People who can work 👩🏻‍💻👨🏻‍💻 from home 🏡

Parks 🏕 trails, entire cities 🏢 closed or restricted to locals only in their bubble.

Entire sports ⚽️ 🏉 🎾 seasons cancelled. Recreational Sports Banned, No Fishing!!

Olympics postponed to 2021. 🔵🟡⚫🟢🔴

Concerts 🎫 tours 🚌 festivals 🤹🏻 entertainment events 🎭 cancelled 🚫

Weddings 👰🏼🤵🏻 family celebrations 🥳 holiday gatherings 👨‍👩‍👦‍👦 even funerals ⚰️ cancelled 🚫

No masses, churches ⛪️ are closed 🚫

No gatherings of 50 or more, then 20 or more, then 10 or more. Now, Don't socialise with anyone outside of your home bubble ⚗️

Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney+, and all other TV networks are on in every home daily now 🎬

Children's outdoor play parks are closed 🎡

We are to distance from each other. Shortage of masks 😷 gowns 🥼 gloves 🧤 for our front-line workers.

Shortage of ventilators for the critically ill 🤒 in many parts of the world.

Refrigerated trucks for the dead outside hospitals in the USA 🇺🇸 Italy 🇮🇹 Spain 🇪🇸 China 🇨🇳 and more.

Panic buying 🛒 sets in before lock-down and we had limits on toilet paper 🧻 disinfecting supplies, paper towels, staple foods 🥗 hand sanitiser 🧴 Flour is hard to get because the packaging comes from China 🇨🇳 and borders are closed 🚧

Manufacturers 🏭 distilleries and other businesses 🏢 switch their lines to help make visors, masks 😷 hand sanitiser 🧴 and PPE 🧤

Fines are established for breaking lock-down rules 🤑

Stadiums 🏟 and recreation facilities overseas open up for the overflow of Covid-19 🦠 patients.

Press conferences daily from the PM 👱‍♂️ and other government 🏛 officials. Daily updates on new cases, recoveries, and deaths ⚰️

Government 🏛 incentives to stay home. Barely anyone on the roads 🛣

People wearing masks 😷 and gloves outside 🧤

Essential service workers are terrified to go to work 👮🏻 👩🏻‍⚕️ 👲🏻

Medical field workers 👩🏻‍⚕️ are afraid to go home to their families 👨‍👧‍👦

A 99 year old WWII veteran Captain Tom Moore raised £28 million for NHS charities walking 100 lengths of his garden before he turned 100. His target was £1000. People from all over the world donated to his cause. 💂🏻‍♂️🎖🏅💷

The amount of deaths so far is in the 100's of thousands and climbing each day.

This is the Novel Corona-virus 🦠 (Covid-19) Pandemic, WHO declared March 11th, 2020.

Things can only get better,,,,

After years of suffering and constant cluster attacks it has been a difficult journey learning to deal with this illness and the problems it brings. One big problem is the fact that you end up cut off from the world unable to go anywhere due to fear of having attacks all the time. Oxygen is the biggest help out of all the medication and being able to take it with me when i go out would mean i can get out and about more and not feel cut off but its been a difficult battle in order to get a portable version as the big tanks are just too big to carry with you. Its fine for times when i go fishing as i can just chuck the bottle in the van and take with me that way but not always do i have transport available to take me.

Thankfully the hospital listened to me when i last went to see them and understood why i was feeling so cut off from life and struggling on a daily basis. They finally changed my script to not only allow me more oxygen bottles but also a portable system that i can carry with me at all times in case of the attacks when i am out and about. This is such a relief especially after struggling for so many years, When i was first diagnosed i thought my life was over and it would be one down hill struggle but i am finally getting some sort of control again and having portable oxygen available to me means i can once again be a social person. 

One of the reasons i had to stop my fishing through the winter is because my attacks increase to such a level its impossible to cope with on a daily basis unless i have oxygen available to me. Even though i have the injections to abort an attack i am only allowed 2 in a 24 hour period with meant when i have days with 4 or 6 attacks happening i would have to fight the attacks and ride the pain making for one miserable life. Now i have the oxygen and the portable unit i am going to be able to get out much more in winter again meaning i wont have to stop my fishing now and can get back on the bank sooner than i planned. Lets just hope everything else goes according to plans now. 

Things have started to get better and are looking good for the future

Well its time to update the blog again with whats been going on. Thankfully this month its not all doom and gloom and we have some good news for once. Unfortunately its not about the clusters as they have been as bad as ever. This time of year has always been the same for the clusters and they are always worst with the cold wet weather. Mine have been murder for the last 6 weeks. Non stop attacks 2 or 3 every day with out fail. I am using my injections , oxygen and heat treatment to try and control them but its wiping me out. by the end of each day i find myself with no strength or energy and really struggle doing simple things.  All i can do for now is continue to fight and hope they calm down soon. My appointment with the Neurologist is at the start of next month so hopefully they will either increase my medication to try and help ease the attacks or they will try a new medication and ill have to start all over again and hope it works.

I've had good news with my benefits as they have seen how bad i am and thankfully have awarded me my PIP after a long wait and now I can get on with things and try and plan ahead. Its difficult to plan anything when your having cluster attacks all the time but i am hoping as they start to decrease I will be able to get out and about again and go fishing as i have been missing it like crazy. its the only thing that's been keeping me sane during all these health issues. Now March is approaching and Spring will soon be here I am looking forwards to getting back on the bank catching some lovely carp. I am just praying to god that the damaged nerve in the left side of body plays ball and doesn't cause me too many issues.

Thankfully the type of fishing i now do doesn't mean i have to sit with a rod in my hand for hours on end at the side of a water. We place the rods on alarms and can sit and relax whilst waiting for a bite. This type of angling is perfect for anyone with disability problems as you can take everything you need with you. Tend , comfortable bed, chairs pillows you name it. I even take my oxygen with me if going on a long fishing trip so i can medicate myself and take care of any cluster attacks whilst fishing. Having the Bivvy (tent) makes it a lot easier as you can just nip inside lay down and deal with it and no one is the wiser as they don't see you,. This is the main reason i ended up doing this type of fishing, being able to hide away in private whilst having an attack or having to deal with medication is perfect. You can then get on with your fishing once sorted and carry on catching loads of lovely fish. I have to admit it is so much nicer having an attack by the side of the lake doing something you love than it is having one stuck at home and stuck indoors unable to go anywhere. I just wish Spring would hurry up and get here as being stuck indoors is driving me nuts. I miss my fishing so much lately.

It is very tempting just to grab the rods and go down the lake even in this weather but i know in my heart if i do it too soon before the nerve has settled in the left side of the body i will just end up in a lot of pain and will end up not enjoying my fishing and will then not want to go in spring so i am being strict with myself this year so i don't cause any issues and I will try an get in a full season of fishing. I hope!. So far the nerve down the left side of the body has caused problems with my walking, movement when i try and turn the body or twist, issues with lifting things even light objects with the left hand and also serious pain up my left leg and left side of my lower back. Why its causing all this i don't know but i am coping with it and being careful not to aggravate things. . I have also started to get burning pain right at the bottom of my spine. This causes problems when just sitting so I have to get this checked again by the spinal clinic. Thankfully the spine issue is minimal at moment but it does worry me and i wonder if it could cause problems when i opt for the cervical nerve root block in the future. i hope its not going to be an issue and i just have to watch what i do. Its doesn't bother me when out and about or when fishing yet but i can see it causing problems in future.

So things have started to get better and are looking good for the future as long as I continue to improve and watch what i do. I am hoping things will calm down soon but if they don't I am seeing the doctor soon so should be able to get the help i need before the start of the new season. I have decided I am going to concentrate on my fishing this year and by doing so will be able to put all these health issues to the back of my mind which in turn will help me get control of it all and manage my condition so i can get on with it and try and live some sort of normal life. I know its not going to be easy and I will get a few more knock backs before i start to manage things but i am getting used to it by now. Fingers crossed things starts getting a little easier from now on........

January ended up turning into a month of hell

I have been trying to wait to do my new update to my blog as i was getting fed up with all the negative things happening to me and writing the same stuff over and over again was becoming boring and doesn't make for good reading. I was getting hopeful towards the end of last year and into the new year as the nerve in my back had calmed down a little and I was managing the condition with out too many issues. I still have problems moving around and very bad pain when i walk but i was managing to get out, Suddenly the beast decided it was time to return and the cluster attacks started. First i thought it was just a bad weekend and would soon pass but it didn't. The attacks slowly increased back up to 5 or 6 per day and i am really suffering this year.

January ended up turning into a month of hell with the attacks and i haven't yet had a day with out having to deal with the beast. A full month on non stop attacks has really wiped me out. I have no strength left in my body and i struggle daily. Even popping to the shop around the corner has become a major problem. As soon as i go out into the cold air it starts to attack my neck and end up setting off a cluster attack 100% of the time. The oxygen is a god send but i now go through a large bottle so fast its crazy., The stress with the attacks and the depression it brings on has really messed up my moods and my head is all over the place, unable to concentrate in anything. I really don't know what to do except keep fighting and pry that it will improve sometime soon.

Well to top things off today (Friday) my money hasn't gone into the bank so the social haven;t paid my benefits again so Once again i have had to ring up and find out what is going on. At first they told me its been [paid so they don't know why it hasn't gone on my account , after half hour investigations they found it has been paid late and will clear on Monday. Well eventually we got it all sorted and it will now be paid later today but what i notice is that the amount of stress has triggered my clusters Just stressing over the need to go shopping and pay bills was enough to trigger a sudden burst of attacks that are just starting to ease off now.

I woke up this morning feeling so low and fed up and then the head started at 4 am. Managed to deal with the clusters only to find that i had no money when i checked my bank and that has now really put me into a very low mood it scares me. Stress sets off a row of attacks one after each other , what a start to the day. I really don't know what to do anymore i feel lost and alone. Its bad enough that I cannot work due to my condition and that alone depresses me , then when you rely on sickness benefits to survive and even that gets messed up now and again, its no way to live a life but i make do with what i have. I do my best to keep busy and keep my mind off my illness and try and concentrate on the positive things but sometimes it just becomes too much to bare. I cannot wait until i can go fishing next, get some fresh air and take my mind off all this mess doing something i love once again.  Lets hope the nerve calms down and i am on the bank soon!.

I CAN beat this in the end and just keep pushing

Once again the cold weather puts a halt to any type of activity i try to do. The beast visits early mornings between 2 and 3 am like clockwork now and after i deal with the attack or stop it happening i find myself awake and unable to go back to sleep due to the shadows hanging during the day. You would think after all these years i would be used to it by now but i still struggle on a daily basis. I avoid going out during the day in fear of cold wind and me moving about aggravating the damaged nerve in the neck and down the back which also ends up setting off my cluster attacks.  The last 2 years i have to admit have been hell trying to deal with all the health issues i now have. Dealing with the hiatus hernia, stomach acid and re-flux, food trapping and chest pains every day alone takes it out of you. Constant neck pain and sharp shooting pains down the left side of the body, down the back and leg, across the chest and shoulder constantly  weakens you and you find by the end of the day you got no strength and then having to deal with the cluster attacks on a daily basis is enough to finish you off.  I have to admit i am struggling.

When this first started years ago i promised myself i would do anything i could to beat this thing and get these attacks under control. When the clusters turned chronic around 8 years ago i actually thought i was going to die and there was no hope for me yet here i am all these years on still fighting the same fight as when i started. Since being diagnosed I have been on one mad journey with my heath with all sorts going on not to mention the hell it played with my mental health and i am still fighting. Medication made me worst and then slightly better and finally i started to get control of the cluster attacks and by using oxygen, injections, medication and heat treatment i am able to abort more attacks than i suffer. So things were looking up for me for quite some time. I was managing to get out a couple of days every couple of months over the summer months fishing with the club and was enjoying it. I write my blogs and try and keep myself busy. Then 2 years ago something happened to my neck that even the specialists are a little confused, They told me the nerves have been turned up from level one sensitivity to level 10 and can't be turned down.

O k i thought another problem i have to learn to ;live with and at first it wasn't too bad. Occasional dead leg and arm, occasional shooting pains numbness and pins and needles but nothing that would worry me too much. Then suddenly i started to get the freezing experiences over my head and down my arm and back like you are suddenly being frozen. along with some weird and wonderful light shows in my vision. I was told its the nerve and not to worry but that didn't make it any easier.. Then the hernia decides to play up and give me chest pains , along with numbness of the arm meant the doctors worried and sent me in for my heart, where i find out i have swelling around my heart from the hernia and my injections, that are the ONLY thing that can abort an attack, cause narrowing of the arteries so i have to be monitored from now on. Now the nerve pain has decided to spread down the left on my body. My entire left arm is contently having problems along with my left leg. My left foot keeps going dead and i get some mad crazy pains up and down the leg. Also the pain has spread across my lower back with burning sensation on the very bottom of my spine and sharp pain about 2 cm in size just to the right of my spine. All this combined with the rest of the issues and the clusters is making for one miserable life at the moment.

The latest problem is pain i am getting across my back just under my left shoulder blade. This pain comes and goes but when it does come it really wipes me out in seconds, causes me to sweat suddenly and a feeling like i am about to pass out. Then once its gone it leaves a really sore tender patch  for a couple of hours. I reported it again to the doctor as this pain has been now on and off for the last 3 years but lately i am finding in bed it is waking me up. The doctor has done blood tests and nothing has flagged up so we will have to see whats next. I am really starting to find it hard to keep my head with everything going on at the moment. I am also going through my DLA to PIP changeover which is causing me even more stress as they tried to get me down to the office and despite me explaining my condition they still made me go down only for me to end up having a massive cluster attack 20 mins into the review so they had to stop and send me home. Now i am waiting for them to come and do my home review. Still haven't heard from them for a whole week., they were on my case when they wanted me to come down texting me every couple of days, crazy. 

Well this is now the second year it has put a stop to my fishing and i am having more problems from the nerve than i expected so i think its going to be time to get referred back to the spinal clinic and opt in for the cervical nerve root block despite the risks and just cross those bridges when i come to them. Surely i wont be in any more pain than i already suffer, i don't think the body can take any more. There isn't much more i can do in reality. I am doing what i can to manage the pain and conditions. I am being strict with my medication making sure i take what i should when i should and i am following all instructions from the doctors and specialists. So why is it i feel lost? Why does it feel hopeless? All i can do is put my head down and get on with it. Keep the though that I CAN beat this in the end and just keep pushing myself until i can push no more.   

The Beast is back...... here comes the cold wet weather!

Once again as the colder and wetter moths arrive and the temperatures start dropping the beast returns and bot what a come back its been. It was bad enough the damaged nerves in the neck and back causing so much pain it put a stop to my fishing early once again but now along come the beast. From managing my condition with between 1 and 3 tacks p[er day 50% of the week now all of a sudden they jump back up to 4 or 5 when bad and most days at least 1 or 2. I am finding the pain in the back and neck increasing during each attack and its aggravating the clusters resulting in double the amount of attacks i should normally get. 

Yesterday i had an attack that i will never forget, not only did i think i was going to die which normally happens during an attack but this was different. A strange feeling cam over my entire body towards the end of the attack. i have never felt energy drain like it. It feel like every thing slowed my breathing , my movements and my heart rate as if i was suddenly placed on slow mo mode but the rest of the world around me was still going fast.  The pain was so intense i couldn't even think and the amount of sweat pouring off my body was just unreal. I have had some bad cluster attacks before but this one shook me up. Iy must have been the 4th Attack of the day. I had aborted 2 with Oxygen and rode out the 3rd so i didn't have to use my injections and then on the 4th i was glad i did use the injection as i don't think i would have made it through with out. 

Now i have been suffering this condition for years and my main stress outlet was fishing. Its something i love to do so much and relax when i am laying calm inside the bivvy waiting for fish to bite. Peace and quiet and not a worry in the world. it helps me to forget about the clusters and my health problems and just concentrate on something i enjoy. Now the problem i have is over the last 4 or 5 years the nerve pain and damage has been steadily getting worst.  This has meant and rapid decrease in the amount of times i have  managed to get out fishing and i am finding it is starting to have an effect on my mental health. Its bad enough dealing wit all these health problems at the same time let alone the depression and anxiety it brings with it but now i am slowly loosing the only outlet other than this blog i have to help me deal with it all. 

I am starting to think i will have n other choice but to take the option of the cervical nerve root block which could result in loosing complete mobility in the left side or feeling and that would then make mt fishing very difficult. I know there is help out there for disabled anglers who want to continue the sport but when you are fighting to keep your mobility and independence it doesn't really make you feel any better. I will continue to fight this for as long as i possible can but things are not looking good. All i can do for now is take each day as it comes and hope to god this winter isn't going to be as bad as i fear it will be with the colder weather approaching. I am praying i manage to get out at ;least a couple more times before the worst of winter is here, and that is only if the back and nerve play ball. So far its just not behaving and causing me so many problems it makes you want to scream. All i can do is wait and see what tomorrow brings.........