Unfortunately my break from the Beast has only lasted two days as i was again woken at 3am this morning with another strong attack. Once again it has left me with a sore neck and painful back. When i was at the doctors i did bring up my neck and the problems i was having but she old me its nothing to do with the nerves and would require physiotherapy. Sometimes i feel like i am banging my head against a brick wall and wonder sometimes why i don’t as i would probably get more sense from a brick wall than i would from my doctor. How she thinks it has nothing to do with the head i don’t know as it only plays up after i have had an attack and no other time. OK i agree with her that my back problems are something other than my nerve problem and i need an MRI on the base of the spine to make sure everything is as it should be and point out where the problems are coming from.
Today is the first day i will be on my new meds and am am praying that this medication will be the one to put the beast to sleep once and for all but there is part of me that is reserved fro disappointment. I know it won’t happen overnight and will take time to build up in my system so lets hope it will make a difference and it won’t be long before i can get my life back to as normal as it could be. I understand i will suffer this condition for the rest of my life controlling it with medication all the time but i think i could handle that as long as i don’t have the attacks all the time. I have had to learn to live with bi-polar disorder all of my life and being lucky as it wasn’t very bad and i only used to have mild mood swings until i became ill when it started to become very bad.
I have still managed to control my condition and over the last 10 years i have had help with medication as i did have one year where i went completely off the rails but thankfully with the help of my mother and the doctors i was put back on track and managed to gain control again. I am sure i can do the same with this condition. As long as i have the correct medication and am told what i must do i can manage myself on a day to day basis. Every now and again i do go through what i would call “my down time” witch is where i suffer from very deep depression and end up shutting myself away from the world not being able to face every day tasks that you would find normal. Even spilling milk whilst making a cup of coffee can set me off into an uncontrollable fit of depression and tears. Luckily i don't get so many of these periods like i used to and only had one down time last year where i felt every thing was getting on top of me and all the different things that where going wrong with my health really had an impact on the way i was living.
Thankfully my fishing has been a godsend and has helped me to focus on more positive things rather than my illness and doom and gloom all the time. This year i am hoping that with the help of the medication i will be able to get out a lot more and will be able to go over night fishing and even go for a week at a time if i feel like it. The only thing stopping me at the moment is the cold weather and the attacks i have been getting. I still have 5 years to go on my fishing tour of Wales so i really need to get myself together and get well as quickly as is possible. I am still having trouble when i eat and drink and it keeps trapping in my chest. The doctor has done the bloods and have sent them off to be tested so now i have a 5 day wait to see if i have this rare stomach bug that i could have caught whilst living in Cyprus. If i do have it then i will have to go on to some very strong antibiotics and may be very sick for a couple of weeks as when my mother had it and had the treatment it really made her ill for a while. If i don’t have it then we have a serious problem and it needs to be investigated as it is getting worst and worst each month that passes.
Apart from the head playing up and pains going down my left hand side on my back i am actually feeling better than i was at the end of last year. Lets hope i get even better and finally get myself back to the old me. I do need to start exercising as i have started to grow a bit of a gut and being slim and athletic all of my life having a bit of a gut is a new and very disturbing experience for me. I have never had a belly on my like i have now. I did used to be quite built when i returned back to the UK from Cyprus in 2001 but i seem to have shrunk in the wash. All of my muscles have disappeared and any definition has gone. My arms are no where as strong as they used to be and i can no longer walk as far as i used to. So this year i think is the year where i will re-invent myself and try to make something out of the remaining years of my life rather than just waste away hidden behind a door too scared to go out in case of an attack, it has to stop. So fingers crossed and chin up and watch this space…….
