Again the Beast attacks with sharp pain from behind the eye shooting over the top of the head into the neck. So sharp all you want to do is rip your head open to release the pain from inside. Water streams from your eye and your nose becomes blocked on the left side of the face. A small ridge swells up and appears over the top of my head leading from the scar at the front right over the back into the neck. It feels as though you have something stuck in your neck and every movement causes it to grind. Sharp pain shoots down the beck as the pain in the neck seems to set something off and the pain spreads down behind you left shoulder blade. All this happens in seconds and you have only just opened your eyes, wide awake and in agony.
No matter how many attacks you have you never can get used to the level of pain you get in and how bad it makes you feel. Knowing there is nothing anyone can do or give you to take away the agony and all you can do it ride the pain out and pray that it ends soon. Constantly wondering if its going to be your last ever attack and that the body can’t take much more. Living in fear of the attacks all day long, scared to go any where in case the beast appears. Trying to avoid crowded places and rooms and even transport, opting to walk rather than jump on a bus because you are afraid the vibrations will set of an attack and then have to deal with it stuck on a bus. Its really horrible to feel this way all the time and very hard to think of positive things when you are in so much pain, day in day out.
Being in hospital shook me up a bit and made me realise how precious time really is. Watching people recovering from strokes and other terrible conditions gave me food for thought. I know my condition is not curable but at least there are drugs that can be taken to help relieve the symptoms and agony and hopefully put it in remission. There were a lot of people in hospital that couldn’t get help and would be in a wheelchair for the rest of their lives. Also many that have terminal conditions that they are under constant treatment for. I was shocked to catch an infection the very day i was released from the hospital mind you. Also ending up having problems with yet another medication was also a kick in the groin. So far i have tried 3 different medication combinations and all 3 have failed or had problems.
I do sometimes wonder is it worth all the problems with all the messing about with different drugs and the side effects and agony it keeps putting me in. I have ended up with major problems with my bowels and am producing wind at a crazy rate it’s blowing me up like a balloon. Constipation so bad that laxatives have become part of a stable diet. Also back pains so bad its like watching an old man trying to move about. I have been on antibiotics for the last week but still seem to have the illness so looks like i need to go back to the doctor to see if i can get something else to try and shift it. I have also been given some multi vitamins to try and improve my immune system as it is very low at the moment and as i am just coming off steroids its important to try and stay healthy as they can reduce your natural defences.
I was going to go fishing this morning with my mate John as we have been dying to go for a while now but i had to cancel as my stomach is that bad today. He has decided to go on with out me and meet up with another mate and see if he can catch some tidy fish at one of the local ponds at Pentwyn. I really wish i was going with him as al my gear is set up ready to go. If i could get my stomach and the wind under control i can get out and about, and doing a bit of fishing, and being out in the fresh air and sun, will do me the world of good.
