Yet again the beast has attacked me in the early hours of the morning resulting in me having to deal with several attacks one after each other since 3am. The attacks or the condition is being aggravated by my neck and back today for some reason. This was one of the main reasons i ended up back in hospital last time as something trapped in the neck and ended up setting off attacks constantly with no break in between each attack. Thankfully it hasn’t got as bad as it was before and i am trying to take it easy so i don't aggravate it any more and cause even more attacks but it is very hard to ignore the constant pain in the neck and back.
From my last visit to the hospital we know i have a problem in the neck and weak muscles on the left side due to all the problems i have been having and the nature of my attacks but we are still unsure exactly what in the neck was causing the problem. I think it is something to do with the nerve swelling up and seems to be trapping something as i can feel a straight line down my back and over my shoulder that appears when the back and neck is really bad. It also makes the pain spread to the bottom of the back when i am moving about making it very painful and difficult to do the simplest of tasks. I am taking ibuprofen and paracetamol tablets in order to supress the pain but like my head nothing seems to help as i believe it is actually nerve pain that i am experiencing.
I am convinced it is the nerve in the neck and back that is playing up because i can actually feel something swell up like a shoe string down my back starting in the neck. It also travels over the front of my shoulder towards the heart but that feels more like a muscle cramp and isn’t as sharp as the back and neck pain. When the neck and back starts to play up i have noticed it always coincides with the swelling on the top of the head that goes over the scar and behind the eye. I also get a lump just on the eye brow that also seems to swell up when an attack is about to start. This is how i know it is the nerve that is causing the pain and why no pain killer on the planet seems to touch it.
Today has been a very painful day having to put up with the normal attacks i get and then also having to deal with the neck and back pain constantly aggravating my head and leaving me uncomfortable all the time. No matter what i try i just can’t seem to get the ache and pain in the back to ease i just have to wait until the neck calms down and the pain eases on its own accord. It always seems to become worst when there is wet or cold weather. This is why i believe that the wet and cold weather is my main trigger for my condition and i am dreading when winter returns and i have to go through the increase in attacks all over again. I just hope by that time the doctors would have found the right medication for me to help put it into remission and stop this beast from destroying what life i have left.
It is so hard to try and stay positive all the time and try not to think about your illness and how it is slowly draining the life out of me. I find myself locked away in my flat all the time not being able to go further than 10 minuets from your front door in fear of the attacks and pain all the time. Even when you go out in a vehicle you have to be careful as, if on a bus for example, the vibrations from the road seems to travel up the nerve and ends with it setting off a major attack. Also being alone in my flat all the time gets me down and makes my depression play up a lot more than normal. Friends keep telling me to get out and mingle a lot more but its so hard when you are in pain all the time or scared of the pain that is about to come.
Trying to have a relationship with a woman is almost impossible at the moment as i am always tucked away in my flat for safety and never get out anymore to meet anyone. I used to go out to the clubs and pubs when i first returned back in Wales but as i got worst and worst my life style went through a dramatic change and the quality of life started to slip away from me. I have tried very hard to maintain some sort of life style and try and keep in touch with the friends that live closest to me and of course my mother and brother but slowly they are becoming less and less. Many people are afraid of things that they don;t know or can’t explain and when i have an attack i have seen the fear in their eyes as they just don;t know what to do.
Even after educating some of my friends about my condition so they don’t feel so bad when i have an attack i am still finding that they don’t like to be around when i am bad and to try and find a woman that would take on someone with such an illness is almost impossible. It does make me wonder if i will have any sort of relationship in the future and what life has install for me. Every day i have to fight the depression that comes with this kind of illness, knowing that there is no cure for what i have and no operation that will help to heal me and all i can do is wait for the right medication combination to be found can sometimes make me feel as if life isn’t worth all this pain. Every day i have to keep reminding myself that there are people a lot worst off than i am and many people that have terminal illnesses. I should think myself lucky that at least i do have some sort of life style as there are so many that can’t even do the basic of tasks. In my heart i know that this condition will probably end up killing me but at least i will still be able to live till i am old, all be it a painful time at least i have that time.
