For the first time in over 5 years i have ha to struggle hard with my depression. It just started out of a chain of things that went wrong yesterday. Being let down by friends whom you normally look after if they are in trouble but when the shoe is on the other foot its a different matter. I should really have been feeling happy and excited as i am going fishing on Saturday as long as the weather holds and my health is ok then we are off on our first trip of 2014.
The depression was so bad yesterday talk about having harmful thoughts about hurting yourself. For over 6 hours last night i had to fight the urge to do something stupid. This has really worried me a i haven’t felt like this for a long long time and the last time i did feel like it i was locked away in a mental hospital for my own safety and i don't want to end up in that situation again. All i want to do is concentrate on my fishing and get on with my life but it seems like i keep getting knocked back every step i take.
I ended up getting a few valium of a friend of mine and a couple of sleeping tables sat with a cup of coffee waiting for the valium to start to take effect and then took my sleepers and went to bed, It seemed to do the trick as i fell asleep straight away and didn't wake until 6 am this morning. Not even the Beast was able to wake me. So i managed to get a good full nights sleep. When i woke this morning i felt fine and then all of a sudden an over whelming feeling of depression and feeling low came over me like a dark cloud covering your whole body. It can only bee the same depression as nothing else as happened to set it off. Maybe all i did by taking the valium and sleepers was delay the inevitable and the depression has returned once again with vengeance.
So again i have another day having to battle with these feelings that i don’t want and don't even know where they come from. I have spend all week getting ready for my fishing trip and trying to make sure i have everything wee need for the trip. Something inside me tells me that something will go wrong on or something will stop us going. Its probably just the depression playing tricks on the mind like it does so i am hoping this cycle will break before the weekend starts.
