Sometimes i just feel like giving up and wonder is it all worth its having to suffer pain every day, and then i think about all the people out there that are also suffering and that feeling of not being alone for one second is what brings back my strength and hope that something can eventually be done about it. So far most mornings is when u have the worst attacks and t is so hard to keep going all he time. The depression becomes hard and gets on top of you and you just cry for hours for no apparent reason even just spilling a drink can cause out to break down.
There has been many a time i have just wanted i all to stop so much and had to push the dark thoughts to the back of my mind and ignore them. Feelings of hurting and feelings of ending it all are not normal feelings they are fake and its the illness that brings them on so i have to fight hard when they come. I am slowly loosing strength and hope i can continue going. Each time the depression comes its getting harder to shut these feelings away and for the first time ever i broke down in front of my fishing partner John witch was a bit embarrassing but he understood. He has been a god send to me and have helped me so much but now its time to get my mind off my illness and back on the fishing.
We have planned a trip to the local lake on Saturday 22nd February and we will fish right through the night and the next days and come home around 8pm Sunday evening. We know the days wont be so bad but we are making sure w can wrap up if the night becomes very cold and frosty and we will take every precaution possible. I am excited about getting out fishing and trying out some new baits that we are waiting for and some new rigs that we have been testing, I am just hoping nothing happened from now until then to stop the trip if that happened i don't know how i would cope, i need to get out of this damb flat staring at the walls all the time waiting to get out to go fishing is making me nuts.
Fingers crossed everything goes ok with the doctors and i don’t want to get any surprises when i go there as i don't think i could cope anymore i am on the edge and about to snap. Although i feel fine and my body seems back to normal after taking those weird tablets i am hoping it stays like this and when the summer comes the attacks will decrease as they normally do and i wont have so many so with his being a mild winter i should e ok. I will stay with the pregabilin at a low dowse as not to aggravate the side effects and the injections and oxygen and the wait for my next appointment with the specialist,
