Sometimes i feel like running into the middle of a field and screaming as hard and as loud as i can until either my voice goes or i pass out through lack of air from not breathing in. That's what it makes me feel like being woken up in the early hours all the time. I actually feel like i am loosing my marbles. I am starting to get so frustrated over being tired all the time and walking around like a zombie during the day. I don’t know how much more i can take until i crack. It makes me so mad being like this all the time especially as i was starting to feel well again after getting through all the bowel troubles and walking problems and now i am back to the same old attacks and battle with the beast every day. The attacks have become more regular again not just because of the weather changes but also because i have been reducing my Pregabilin medication. I have dropped from 300 mgs morning and night down to 200 in the morning and 150 mgs at night.
The specialist at the chronic pain clinic seems to have hit the nail on the head with the side effects coming from my medication even if she was a little off putting during our meeting. She did explain that although some of these side effects are rare if you are on a high dose of the medication all it takes is one little thing to give you major problems such as taking the Verapamil and having an allergic reaction set off all the side effects and now it has taken nearly 6 months to get to the bottom of what was causing all the problems. I am hoping it doesn’t come back as the last couple of days, although i have been feeling fine apart from my head attacks, I have been getting wind build up and some pain in the back and legs. I suppose its going to take time for it to settle completely.
The one thing that is really bothering me the last few weeks is that the attacks i have been getting are actually getting worst. i never thought i could feel any worst during an attack than i was already but it seems to be spreading. not only does it effect the left side of the face and over the top of the head into the neck but it is now also travelling from the neck down the back behind the left shoulder blade and also over the front into the chest towards the heart. The attacks i have been getting the last few days have been so big that one attack actually lasted well over 3 hours. normally if i have an attack and don't take the injection so i have to ride the pain until it stops it normally lasts anything from 10 minuets up to just over an hour. I have never had one last as long as it did the other day and it really started to scare me as i thought i was about to have a stroke or heart attack.
I hate it when i get the really strong attacks as they always over power the injection making them useless and a waste of time taking them. Also that way i end up wasting the injections on the bigger attacks when i could save them and abort the slightly smaller attacks instead but it is so difficult to judge as you can’t tell how big or strong the attack will be until it has reached maximum pain and by then its too late to take the injection anyway. So you end up having to guess witch attacks to abort and what ones you will have to ride the pain. I am still waiting for the appointment with the specialist and have been waiting since June. I have received 2 appointments only to have them cancelled the following week so i am praying i will get my new appointment soon and we will be able to try a new medication to see if that will help control the beast and give me a rest from all the attacks.
He did say if it starts to get beyond the point that i can no longer carry on then he will admit me into hospital for a couple of weeks rest where i will be treated by a drip so i don't have to keep taking medications. The trouble with that is i will be bed ridden for the 2 weeks of rest and it will drive me stark raving mad. At least at home i have my computer and can stay in touch with people that way when i can’t go out visiting, witch seems like everyday just lately. i can’t remember the last time i went out visiting and its over a month since the last time i went out fishing so i really need to break the cycle at the moment and try and get out.
I am planning to go fishing tomorrow at our local lake with one of my mates and see if i can catch myself a nice big fish. At least i will get out for a while and get some fresh air in the lungs. I won’t be able to go until just before lunch as i have to pick up all my medication tomorrow as its that time again. I am hoping to get it sorted quickly and get down the lake as soon as i can but at least i will be able to get half a days fishing in and if the weather holds maybe even be able to go all day Saturday as well. So fingers crossed the weather holds and the beast starts to behave itself as the only worry i have is that the cold wind on the face my end up setting off attacks while i am at the lake. i don;t mind if i am Carp fishing as i have my bivi (tent) in witch i can hide away and take my medication until the pain is gone and then continue fishing when all is clear but when i am Pike fishing we don’t take the bivi (tent) as you are constantly on the move so if i do have an attack i will have to deal with it out in the open. At least i will have someone with me, in case of an emergency, who knows about my condition and he also knows what to do if and when i have an attack.
