Again i was woken by the beast this morning but thankfully it wasn’t a full blown attack and was only a strong shadow causing me to wake up early. I did try and get back to sleep but i just couldn’t no matter how hard i tried so i eventually got up to start a new day. I have been a bit withdrawn from everything the last couple of days after my visit to the chronic pain management clinic and being there was nothing they could do for me. They blamed all the aches and pains and wind down to my tablets and said its a trade off between the side effects of the medication i am taking and the attacks i get.
If i don’t like the side effects or can’t put up with them then i would have to stop taking my medication and end up having loads of attacks every day. I was so shocked it has taken me a while to get to grips with things. I am really surprised at the doctors attitude but can’t say i blame her. As soon as she saw i was taking methadone her attitude changed and immediately she said well i can’t give you any pain killers!! ARRRRGGGGGGHH! I didn’t want stupid pain killers the idiot! Immediately she thought of druggy and i was there after medication. I have been through so much over the last year i just don’t know if i can carry on like this. My mood has dropped and i am now crying most evenings due to the pains and problems i am having.
How the doctors can say chest pains and trapped nerves in the shoulder is down to my medication i don’t know and how she works out that my legs going numb and having walking problems is down to the medication i just can’t work it out! I know the side effects of any medication will cause terrible things to happen such as my bowels blowing up and causing me all the wind and discomfort and i can accept that it can cause muscle aches and spasms and maybe even cause me problems with my left arm going numb all the time. I have already accepted that i would get some side effects off the tablets and the medication i am taking but to blame everything on the medication is just unprofessional and crazy.
She said i may have Arthritis and she named Osteoarthritis as one of the problems and then said there is nothing they can do for that and i won’t get any problems from that for many years to come. She did recommend that i attend physiotherapy course as i am shut off and not getting involved in activities. When i turned round and said to her “well how am i supposed to attend when i get anything from 2 to 10 attacks in a day”? she soon shut up and said i would have to try and arrange something with the organiser in person. I can’t wait to see my specialist, Dr Pickersgill, and tell him what she has said. He will probably fall over in laughter.
Now i have the honour of explaining everything to my doctor and telling her how the medication i am on is slowly killing me according to the Doctor at the hospital and that i have to choose whether i want to live with these pains and problems or the attacks i get each day. There isn’t many things i get worked up about or angry but this is one of them. Don’t they understand what i have to go through each day. Every time she said well you get headaches, i would say NO i get CLUSTERS, she would then cough and continue her speech and then again would say “…. and because of your headaches..” I would again jump in and say “NO!” , “Cluster Attacks”, and each time she would ignore me and continue. This really made me angry and by the end of it i just switched off and i think she saw that and said there is nothing we can do to help you, you are taking Methadone and Pregabilin witch are both strong pain killers so there is nothing more we can give you so i will let your doctor know its the side effects of the medication causing these problems and will recommend that you go back to Whitchurch for Physiotherapy.
Why i have to go Whitchurch i don’t know as it is a mental hospital. I think it is probably because she said i was on the verge of a breakdown, and can’t they blame me! Anyone who would have to put up with all this would surely be on the verge of a break down. I really don’t know if i can carry in this game they are playing with my health. I just get this horrible feeling i am going to have to suffer like this until it eventually puts me in an early grave.
On a lighter note! I got my prize from the Halloween competition held on Facebook by one of the fishing sites. I managed to get the Guess Where question right and my name was then chosen at random from all the correct entries and i won a nice little 7 meter fishing pole that comes complete with all the accessories. I don’t really need it as i have a competition standard 11 meter one but i will still get lots of use out of it especially on the smaller lakes where having a shorter pole is actually an advantage to get into tight spots.
I am trying to stay busy today as my mind is really messed up at the moment. I still can’t stop bursting into tears and can’t think clearly. All i can think about is what the doctor was saying and how bad it made me feel. I have NEVER come away from an appointment feeling so bad and so low, and now it seems to have had a knock on effect with my mental health and i can’t switch my mind off. How can i cope with all these problems every day, how much more must i put up with and have to go through, how come i can’t get help, they make me feel like i am imagining it all and it doesn't really exist, yet the pain is there to tell you it does. All i can do is cry for help?!
